No-Score T-Ball Is Ruining The World And 70s Hairy Bush Face Shot His Mom/Landlord/Roommate In The Head Because He Got Fragged In COD And Threw A Tantrum After Losing At Something For The First Time Ever.

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One of these fitness kings is Matthew Nicholson. The other one might as well be.


Press release from Ceres, CA police department

This is exactly the kind of shit you get when everyone gets a trophy. I have a long-held theory that no-score T-ball is ruining the world.  Matthew Nicholson is the embodiment of that theory. It is impossible to truly know the thrill of victory without the agony of defeat. It’s the very reason we don’t take Brady for granted. New England fans over the age of 30 know that it sucks to suck.

Despite the fact that he looks like he could be the stunt double for Seth Rogan’s grundle, somehow Matthew Nicholson did not know what losing felt like. Because of no-score t-ball. I remember when my young cousin started playing t-ball. I couldn’t believe it. The ball just sits there. Waiting to get hit.

Ten or fifteen years have passed since this abomination called No-Score T-Ball first appeared on my radar, and what I’ve noticed during that time has convinced me that it is the root cause of the upcoming apocalypse. T-ball is not baseball. It’s what baseball would be if it died and someone buried it in the pet cemetery and then tried to resurrect it. It would still seem an awful lot like baseball, but with hidden deadly consequences for the entire planet.

When I played, if we won a game, we’d all pile into the back of our drunk coach’s pickup truck and get treated to Dairy Queen. And even that had its limitations. For instance, coach wasn’t a taxi service. You got your ice cream and walked your ass home so it didn’t make you fat. When we lost we’d have an extra practice right after the game and not get any ice cream. This caused us to appreciate winning. Simple, common-sense strategy. Now how do you decide if you’re going for ice cream after a game? Ya can’t! Because someone who clearly didn’t win enough outlawed riding in truck beds. Plus, you didn’t win. Ever! Because if there are no losers, there are also no winners. Oh, and allergies.

Now we have groups of middle school kids who have never actually competed but are made to believe they’re winners because they didn’t lose. Hey, I’ve never given up a hit in the World Series, but this doesn’t cause me to believe that I’m a World Series champion. These kids though, they think they’re winners, and they get older. And they assume that everything belongs to them and that they’re special, but in reality nothing belongs to them, and they’re super wicked mega average.

Obviously this story of a grown man killing his Mom because he lost a video game is a huge tragedy. A mom/grandmother/wife is dead. Because she protected her man-child from the pain of losing. Many people will rush to this jackhole’s defense, clamoring about mental illness and whatnot. I don’t care. In the end it still comes back to no-score T-ball. Obviously he has mental issues. But guess what? His mom isn’t gonna wake up and declare that she was lucky because the guy who shot her in the face was insane so his bullets don’t work. Nope. Dead is dead. According to Fox40 in Modesto, The police had been there within the past 6 months for domestic violence, so maybe the gun should have been just a bit less accessible. Matthew Nicholson does not appear to look at a situation in a very rational manner. Just think about this whole incident step by step:

First, mom hears shouting from the able-bodied adult who hasn’t managed to find his own place after a decade of adulthood. She goes into what I can only imagine is the main office for his chapter of the He-Man Women-Hater’s club, the basement, and reassures Uncle Matt that even though SnugglePuppy2006 is pwning his ass, he still has worth.

Obviously, after nearly three decades without a single contribution to humanity, he believes her. In the ensuing excitement, his Turtle Beach headset is destroyed. Here’s where he really begins to stray from the path of the righteous. Obviously he was playing Madden and Brady just posted 104 points on his ass so he was feeling froggy.  The vast majority among us would swear out loud after breaking our headset. Some of the more intense among us might even direct the swear at someone in the room, and the slightly unhinged may even push someone. Nicholson, however, makes it known that he is now going to kill his parents. KILL HIS PARENTS! His headset broke, and his immediate reaction was to look at his mom and say “I’m going to kill you and dad.” That right there is batshit crazy. But this puddle of disagreement was just getting started.

His next step was to actually retrieve a gun, shoot a couple holes in the wall, then shoot his mom in the head. Holy crap. Then he went to shoot his dad, who is a spry 81 years young. Dad wrestles the gun away from his 28 year old son and he flees the scene. I’m not even gonna pretend there’s anything sane about that, but the root cause of these actions was no-score T-ball. How do I know Spaghetti Arms Rogan doesn’t have experience losing? Because his 81 year old dad wrestled a gun way from him. There is no set of circumstances that would lead to an 81 year old wrestling a gun away from me. I am stronger than all 81 year olds in existence. Facks.

Ya know what isn’t new? Lunatics. Ya know what is new? Twenty eight year old gamers living in their parents’ basement. If this oxygen thief had been allowed to lose when he was a child, he would have lost often. He would have known shame and humiliation. He would have disliked those things, and learned how to win. He would have gotten a job and used the money to get his own place. If the job didn’t pay enough to allow that, he would have gotten a better job. And he would’ve played video games on the big TV. And even if he did all the same things at his house that he did at his parents’ house (minus the whole murder thing) he would have enjoyed it more, because it would be his, and it would be earned. And his mom would still be alive.

You’ve got people putting the blame squarely where it belongs

IT professionals! Go Jeff! Clearly Matty Cakes was planning to read the Bible, when suddenly a first-person shooter distracted him and he got addicted and shot his mom. Then you’ve got the defenders like SJW Jami Gilbert giving what-for to the DA.

I agree Jami with no E. You can’t just be trusting old people these days. What probably happened was that there was an intruder who shot Mrs. N, then Mr. N wrestled the gun away from the hoodlum. Once Matt realized the situation was under control he raced to his sister’s house to make sure there wasn’t a second shooter. The DA is ignoring the FACKS!!

Honestly the story of Matthew Nicholson specifically is not the main reason for this blog. It’s not local, and somehow I don’t think shaming him is gonna have much of an impact. The reason for the blog is to bring attention to the unintended consequences of fairness and political correctness. Some things are gonna suck. That’s OK. What you do with those things is what matters. So go hug your kids and tell them they suck. The life you save could be your own.

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2 Comment(s)
  • January 23, 2018 at 7:26 pm

    MA! The meatlof! Phuck!

    I’m so dainty and such a little step dancer. I’m a big shot on sports radio too. I don’t use chlorseptic for a sore throat I use big strong MEN.

  • Stud McMuffin
    January 23, 2018 at 9:59 am

    Biggest thing I remember from my last season of little league was an 8-5 record which meant we got ice cream 8 times and shit the other 5. And no damn participation trophy.

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