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Black Friday is a special day in America. It’s the day we celebrate how thankful we are for everything we have by trampling each other to death in order to save a few bucks on a bunch of products that were made in a Chinese sweatshop and kept Americans unemployed. I’ve never participated in the madness, quite frankly because everything about it looks awful. I’m not going to bash anyone that does participate in this ritual, but I’m gonna be honest with you – I don’t get. What exactly is the appeal of a long line? I spend the majority of my time in life avoiding lines. When I got to Walmart I spend a solid 90 seconds skipping out every single line, and determining which one will be the fastest. When I drive I am more than willing to travel a longer distance on back roads and side streets in order to avoid traffic lights. And when I am forced to go shopping, you better believe it’s strategically timed so that I have as little contact with human beings as I can. Generally, bad things come from contact with human beings.

Oh yea, and another thing I hate is the cold. I don’t like being outside for more than 30 seconds any time past Halloween. So when I put on the news and I see what people are willing to do, I get very confused….

I love how the people waiting inside the Rockingham Mall refer to themselves as the “Smart Ones.” It’s as if there’s some kind of hierarchy amongst people these super savers. And what’s up with the 14 year old who was waiting in the cold since 4 PM on Wednesday? First of all, ummmm, where are your parents bud? As the kid says, “You should be spending thanksgiving day with your family, but we sort of have all of our family here.” Next time you get mad at your parents, just remember this poor kid, and realize it could be a lot worse. After all, what kid doesn’t want to sleep on the sidewalk of Walmart in 20 degree weather, so that his parents can save money on a new TV they don’t need?

On this Thanksgiving I am especially grateful that my family doesn’t have an annual tradition of making their kids wait in line with them outside of Walmart. At the same time though, I did miss on a lot of good Black Friday fights!!!! Check out some of the best from this year:

Nothing to see here folks. Just a bunch of people trying to kill each other so they can celebrate the birth of Jesus as cost efficiently as possible. There’s just so much to enjoy about this video. From the Walmart employee with no shirt on underneath his glow in the dark vest, to the old lady on a stroller who just quietly strolls by through the madness, to the middle aged man in hunting gear being walked out of the store by his hunting buddy while nursing his Black Friday wounds, to the aggressive woman who clearly doesn’t like being pushed around by “motherf*****s”. There is nothing more purely American than mob scenes like this. We’re a pretty sweet, delicious country and all, but we’re a couple food shortages away from mob rule and martial law.

And nothing says ‘Murica more than this video:

Who needs the running of the bulls when we have Black Friday? Take that Spain!!! I abhor violence and nobody deserves to be assaulted, but if you just in this crowd on Black Friday, you kind of have it coming to you. And nothing says pre-Christmas Walmart shopping like being handcuffed on top of a TV that you were just fighting over:

Word to the wise though – don’t mess with some Black Friday shoppers like these kids did:

It’s all fun in games until an angry Black Friday shopper attacks a bunch of 13 year olds for having fun on this obviously very serious and solemn day. Thank you globalization!!

So are you a Black Friday veteran? Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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