Turtleboy Investigates

Of Course The Manbunned Meat Muncher Who Shot David Ortiz Wears Flat Brimmed Chicago Bulls Hats 


The other day they arrested Eddy Féliz García for helping to shoot Big Papi in the Dominican, but not before a jury of LA Gears delivered street justice to his face over and over again.


According to his Ma Dukes and his attorney he’s just a driver who dindu nuffin though.

Solano said his client did not shoot Ortiz, but works as a motorcycle taxi driver and may have unwittingly driven the shooter to the scene, CNN reported.

However, the Dominican police did make another arrest today, and their media is reporting that the guy who might’ve actually shot David Ortiz was arrested, and he’s a lifetime criminal named Oliver Mirabal.

He’s allegedly part of the “Gilbert Gang,” which is easily the weakest gang name in the history of gangs, and the reason why they felt so insecure that they had to shoot the guy who has done more for that island than any other person alive today.

Many in the media are speculating that he’s the one who actually shot Big Papi, and if you need more convincing just check out his Facebook page.

Flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat, AND a jacket that he sewed Chicago and Bulls patches onto. Nuff said.

It doesn’t matter what country you’re in, if you see someone wearing a flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat, odds are they’re either about to kill somebody, or they have food stamps they’d like to sell you for half price. That’s not me saying that, that’s just science. Hold onto your wallet and walk in the opposite direction. You’ll thank me later.

He has a second Facebook page where he posted this:

Seems like a nice guy.

Oh, and according to the Dominican media this guy was sentenced to five years in prison in 2015 for…..EXECUTING 4 PEOPLE!!



In other words, Judge Janet Kenton-Walker is applying for jobs there. She’d fit right in.

And that ladies and gentlemen, is how your country becomes and remains a shithole. By letting gangbangers out of prison after a couple years after they were involved in the execution of 4 rival gangbanging drug dealers. Because who in the DR hasn’t executed someone before? You get a couple mulligans before they come at you with a 10 year sentence.


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40 Comment(s)
  • judge dread
    June 16, 2019 at 3:01 pm

    Flat brined Bull’s Hats is all I needed to now.

  • brianmorris1976
    Dick Trickle
    June 15, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    I want that third world Bart Simpson shirt.

  • Just The Facts Joe Friday
    June 13, 2019 at 10:15 am

    The Red Sox over payed Ortiz by millions.
    In his own third world shithole he was worth 8K.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    June 13, 2019 at 9:01 am

    A manbun is the last thing a man puts on his head before he puts a dick in his mouth.

  • Just to recap:
    June 13, 2019 at 8:11 am

    Big Papi bangs wife of drug Lord.

    Drug Lord hires idiots to kill Big Papi.

    Idiots fail.

    Idiots are on video failing.

    Seems to me the idiots are safer in police custody. They don’t have much time left in this life either way.

  • shitheads from a shithole
    June 13, 2019 at 5:30 am

    if u was in the icu in pain and trying to sleep and dees ratchets fighting in the hallway, hot ratchet is still a ratchet, rich ratchet is still a ratchet

  • Clarence Woods Emerson
    You’re mother
    June 13, 2019 at 2:55 am

    I’m calling BullShit!!!! No way every fucking dude featured wears a Chicago bulls hat. Totally photoshop

    • You Mutha
      June 13, 2019 at 9:21 pm

      You are mother. Hey weirdo I am not your mother.

  • Get Some Strange
    June 12, 2019 at 11:49 pm

    Fake News ch 7 ch 5 and ch 4 say we dont know motive.
    Thats funny because some sources say putang allegedly was the motive.

  • bill fleming
    June 12, 2019 at 6:14 pm

    Is it more dangerous to visit the Dominican republic or ride the MBTA?

    • yolo
      June 13, 2019 at 5:27 am

      same thing man

      • Captain Trips
        Captain Trips
        June 13, 2019 at 2:51 pm

        Good answer!

  • AddAdickTome
    June 12, 2019 at 5:01 pm

    Go fund my sex change

    June 12, 2019 at 5:00 pm

    the handgun has the markings of a Police Department stamped on it.

  • Police Are Looking For A Man
    June 12, 2019 at 4:04 pm

    I am suprised abc nbc msn and cnn didnt go with the usual a man was shot and police are looking for a man. That way you wont realize just how much crime non whites commit.

  • Bingo Fuel
    June 12, 2019 at 3:44 pm

    Let me get this straight

    Ortíz the family man was purportedly Playing fungo with the wife of a drug lord and most every media story and Red Sox MGT won’t discuss the reason why he was shot

    I’m sure that was his first side piece too….Love the wife thanking everyone for the prayers lol

  • He knew he was taking roids
    June 12, 2019 at 3:20 pm

    Fuck how can I sponsor him for a work Visa. We need more of these find humans. Fuc papi to if your fooling around with third world drug lord side pieces you deserve what you get.

    • Ortiz Got Got Yo
      June 12, 2019 at 3:35 pm

      Ortiz hit it and now he guts to quit it. He likes good pussy and he likes good trees.

  • randiguy2006
    I love it it when you call me Big Papi!
    June 12, 2019 at 2:21 pm

    Everyone’s hero and “family man” Big Papi was dipping his bat in the wrong rosin bag!

    • Juicy
      June 12, 2019 at 2:33 pm

      Pa Pa Pa Playa for keeps

  • Shithole country
    June 12, 2019 at 2:07 pm

    Hey Dominican Beetlejuice the Haitians called they want there shrunken head back

  • Hon. Shelley Joseph
    June 12, 2019 at 1:02 pm

    I would let him stick it in my ass

  • Not A Nice Vacation Destination
    June 12, 2019 at 12:20 pm

    If the Democrats have their way this is what every city in America will look like. But the democrats will live in gated communities

    • Christopher Lettiere
      June 12, 2019 at 12:32 pm

      Raheem Kassam Blasts Sky News, Sadiq Khan Over ‘Shithole London’

    • AOC Yeah You Know Me
      June 12, 2019 at 12:59 pm

      I be down wit da homies. I cant live on 179k per year. I need a raise or its racism

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      June 12, 2019 at 2:39 pm

      Do people shit on the sidewalk in the DR like they do in LA or SF?

      • Ratchet Rollins D.A.
        June 12, 2019 at 3:37 pm

        Of course they do thats their culture and I will not prosecute

  • Hood Pussy Rivalry
    June 12, 2019 at 11:59 am

    Dey be sayin dat ortiz be gettin funky wit a bosses freak of da week. Dats why ortiz got shot yo.

    • John Forbes Kerry
      June 12, 2019 at 12:23 pm

      Poor poor Manny Ortez.

    • z
      June 12, 2019 at 12:28 pm

      If true, then Jefe should have done it himself. Macho culture I guess is only for some people.

      You are being cuckholded and you get someone to carry out revenge. Probably the reason you are cuckholded in the first place.

  • eugene
    June 12, 2019 at 11:54 am

    D.R,isn’t that were Dr. Moreau set up shop?

  • Goodman Browne, Puritan from the 1600s
    June 12, 2019 at 11:54 am

    Those gaudy costumes are the mark of Satan.

  • Gash Basher
    June 12, 2019 at 11:42 am

    Spics absolutely love Aéropostale

  • Colby Fiske
    June 12, 2019 at 11:27 am

    as a POC he has not had the same privileges as David Ortiz who is white now. Hopefully the judge goes easy on him and he can become a respected member of his community

    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      June 12, 2019 at 11:56 am

      I agree wholeheartedly with Mr. Fiske. Manny Ortiz is no longer perceived as a person of color.

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    June 12, 2019 at 11:19 am

    Is there a law abiding person in the Dominican? If there is, I bet they are 1 in a million. Went once to Punta Cana about 5 years ago. Armed guards outside the resort. Will never ever go back to that shithole. One and done.

  • hartf811
    June 12, 2019 at 11:15 am

    Nuke it. Lawrence, Lowell, New Bedford, Lynn, Fall River, Springfield, Chicopee, Woorats, most of Methuen. Create a virus to kill off Domicans everywhere.

    • mrme
      June 12, 2019 at 11:57 am

      I think you are being racist. You left out Brockton!!!

      • bigdaddy
        June 12, 2019 at 12:48 pm

        and Webster , Spencer Fitchburg , Southbridge so many to choose from
        BTW I think I see where Judge Shelley Joseph might be able to fit right in

  • Dr. Strangelove
    June 12, 2019 at 11:11 am

    Nuke it.

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