Mainstream Media Fails

Peyton Manning Is Retiring And The Digital Handjobs He Is Getting From The Media And Bob Kravitz Are Embarrassing

Peyton Manning Is Retiring And The Digital Handjobs He Is Getting From The Media And Bob Kravitz Are Embarrassing

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Peyton Manning is going to announce his retirement today. Brace yourself because any sports coverage outside of New England will be unbearable for the foreseeable future.

You will not see any mentions of the fact that Peyton Manning stuck his balls in a woman’s face and attempted to ruin her career by having his father testify that she slept with black guys.

You won’t see anyone mention that Peyton had HGH shipped to his house in his wife’s name, the season before he had the greatest statistical season in NFL history.

You won’t see anyone mention that he is retiring because literally no team in the NFL is interested in employing him as a starting quarterback.

You’ll see lots of people fawning over the fact that he is the NFL career leader in touchdowns, but you won’t hear them mention that Peyton has 251 interceptions, 101 more than Tom Brady has.

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You’ll hear people mention that Peyton is the all time NFL yardage leader, but they won’t mention that he has 1,600 more passing attempts than Brady. Nor will you hear them mention that Tom Brady is on pace to pass all of these records in the next 3 years.

You’ll hear how awesome Peyton was, but they won’t mention that he has been sacked 100 times less than Tom Brady because he played behind some of the best offensive lines in NFL history.

You’ll hear what a winner he is, but they won’t mention his NFL record 9 one-and-dones in the playoffs.

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You’ll hear that he was 3-1 against Tom Brady in AFC Championship games, but they won’t mention that all three of those wins came at home.

You’ll hear that he was 3-1 against Tom Brady in AFC Championship games, but you won’t hear about that time Peyton lost 41-0 to the Jets in the 2002 playoffs.

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You’ll hear that he was 3-1 against Tom Brady in AFC Championship games, but you won’t hear about 2003, 2007, 2010, 2012, or 2014, in which the Patriots made the AFC Championship game, but Peyton’s teams failed to meet them there.

You won’t hear that Peyton’s 13-3 team in 2007 never got the opportunity to lose to the Patriots because they were upset by the Chargers.

You’ll hear all about his record setting season with the 2012 Broncos, but you won’t hear about their first round upset loss to the Ravens, in a game in which they were favored by double digits, thus ducking a head to head matchup with Brady.

You won’t hear about how Manning once again missed an opportunity to play Brady in the AFC Championship game in 2014 because his team lost at home (once again) to the Indianapolis Colts, who then lost the Patriots by a billion points.

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You’ll hear them mention his 2 Super Bowl rings, but no one will mention that the first came against the Rex Grossman Bears and the second was the worst statistical performance for a quarterback in Super Bowl history.

You won’t hear any of those things because the media isn’t interested in facts. They’re interested in a fairy tale, and Peyton Manning is the perfect protagonist. Unlike Tom Brady who has children out of wedlock and lives the life of a movie star, Peyton represents good ol’ southern hospitality and values (besides that time he stuck his balls in that woman’s face).

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And guess who is first in line to give Peyton his farewell handy?

Ah yes, Bob Kravitz. The same guy who made up deflategate so he could get Twitter followers and force his children to love him again

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Leave it to Bobby boy to write one of the most embarrassing, man love columns of all time. But seriously, Bobby wrote Peyton an “open letter.” LOL. Try to be an obnoxious 22 year old woman on Facebook a little harder. You can’t. There is nothing worse than a self absorbed person who writes an “open letter.” Here’s a couple excerpts:

This is just right, walking off into one of those brilliant Denver sunsets over the Rocky Mountains,a second Lombardi in hand, your mind-boggling legacy fully completed. If there’s a record for men at your position, you own it. Not to mention those two Super Bowls.

I know you’re not supposed to call things gay in 2016 because it’s politically incorrect. But I am without words. This is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen, and I live in Massachusetts.

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To think that you could come back after four neck surgeries and sundry other injuries, and win more MVP’s and reach more Super Bowls, finally winning that one this year over Carolina, is mind-boggling. Normal people don’t do that. You’re not normal, and I say that as nicely as I can possibly mean it.

Yea, let’s just ignore the fact that Bobby’s man crush came back from those injuries and surgeries thanks to a banned substance that he had shipped to his home in his wife’s name. Let’s ignore that he won the Super Bowl this year despite having a worse stat line than Trent Dilfer did in Super Bowl 35. These facts should never get in the way of a good Peyton rub-down.

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Last year, I wrote a piece about a Terre Haute woman who was dying of cancer, only had a few months, maybe weeks to live. She told me one of her last wishes was to actually speak to you. A week later, I got an e-mail from her friend to say that you had called this dying woman and had absolutely made her day.

This is a grown man in his late 40’s worshipping another grown man who is younger than him in an open letter. This is the most the most embarrassment I have ever felt for another human being. It reads like Marsha Brady writing fan mail to Davey Jones. 

I can remember one day at training camp, we were sitting in a golf cart, and we must have talked for about 45 minutes about autographs. You kept insisting that it was important to write your name legibly, and not in chicken scratch, because people wanted to be able to say, “Look, I got Peyton Manning’s autograph.” Your dad taught you that, along with lots of other things about being a professional. I kept thinking, “Who spends time thinking about the quality of their autograph?” And then the answer dawned on me: You do.

Wow, what a mind boggling anecdote!!! Thanks for sharing Bob!!! Peyton Manning really is a great guy. Sure he has a tendency to teabag women against their will, but he spends time making sure to write legibly when he writes an autograph!! What a class act!

Then there was the day you called me out of nowhere, and man, you were HOT. I can’t remember what you were angry about, but I’m sure it was something I had written. So we went back and forth, both of us getting more and more ticked off, and at one point I said, “Y’know, Peyton, that’s absolute bull—-.” Well, my older daughter was walking by my home office at that moment, she looked at me in amazement and mouthed the words, “Peyton Manning?” And the funny thing is, we came to a meeting of the minds and our relationship was never better than it was after that little tiff.

Seriously Bob, how much do your kids hate you? First Anderson Cooper had to save your relationship with them, then Peyton Manning. Awesome story though. You guys must’ve been wicked pissed at each other to be that HOT!!!

What’s even more puke-inducing is the reaction this article has gotten from people like San Diego Chargers safety Eric Weddle:

Sports Illustrated’s Peter King, who along with Kravitz spearheaded the crucifixion of Brady over PSI:

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And even Adam Schefter retweeted it:

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Which Bobby is going to probably print out and put on his fridge:

This is why people don’t take the mainstream media seriously. Because no objective person who read this ode to Peyton Manning can possibly not feel uncomfortable reading it. I usually can’t stand Bobby, but for the first time I am genuinely embarrassed for the man. This is the worst case of self emasculation I have ever encountered.

The bottom line is that the only thing that will ever matter in sports is winning. Tom Brady has four rings, all of which were the direct result of his iconic postseason performances. Manning has 2 rings, one of which he had literally nothing to do with. You will see lots of people saying that Peyton is the greatest of all time – a concept so ridiculous that we won’t even waste our time entertaining it. These are the same people who think LeBron is better than Jordan. They are products of the loser, everyone gets a trophy generation, and they have been raised to believe that winning doesn’t matter. Stats do. But since we live in New England, where winning was invented, we know better than that. We know who the GOAT is and he’s not done winning yet.

 

 

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3 Comment(s)
  • The guy
    March 7, 2016 at 9:09 pm

    I can without a doubt say that had I written anything resembling this I would never hear the end of it from my friends. This is the fruitest man on man written tugjob that has ever or will ever be. Thank you Bob.

  • #18
    March 7, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    I’m hanging them up so I can jizz on cheese pizzas.

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    March 7, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    I thought it was cold in here. Turns out I just have douche chills from reading Kravitz’s slow, methodical handy.

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