All-Star Criminals Nudniks

Police Park Huge Surveillance Truck In Front Party House & Applaud Themselves For Restoring Peace- Turns Out It’s Only Quiet Because The Criminal Who Lives There Went To Florida And Got Arrested Again

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I got one hell of a laugh this morning when I woke up, poured my coffee and saw this fugly mug on the news YET AGAIN. You know when you read a news story and you are 10000% certain that it’ll just keep getting better over time?

Yep. That’s how I started my Tuesday.


The kid in the photo above with the crazy eyes and patchy face pubes is Ian Kessel. Once upon a time, Ian (an avid track and field and basketball athlete) transferred from St. Johns Prep and was killing it as a running back at Haverhill High School before heading to IMG Academy in Florida. Things seemed pretty promising.

Until January 2016 when he got nailed for armed robbery and pissed everything away like a first class dicknose.

Ian and a couple of his pooncake friends asked a former teammate to meet them at the Forest Acres apartments in Bradford to they could buy some weed.

Pot? No big deal. It could be heroin or fentanyl or carfentanil (that’s the stuff they use to knock out elephants and SUPER smart people use it hoping they don’t die and/or kill the first responders who blast them with narcan when they flat-line.) The Mingya Valley is overflowing with dope, overdoses and drug trafficking so a little MJ is harmless, right?

Well they had the kid get into a Jeep, asked for $10 of grass, put a gun to his head and robbed him of $600.

$600. Split 3 ways. What an astute, meticulously planned heist carried out by a trio of gully Einsteins.

Kid had a pretty good map laid out for him and he blew it for 200 bucks. That’s what? A pair of Jordans and a Richies Italian ice? 2 movie passes and concessions at The Loop? A new outfit from La Moda and a kitchen tattoo? Come on..

The kids he was hanging out with? They’re the embodiment of rotten broccoli farts on a humid day. They already had prior records (surprise, surprise!) But Ian? He threw it all down the crapper for some dirt weed and pocket change.

Since last year he’s been to court a few times and was allowed to ditch his GPS ankle bracelet pretty early in the game at the request of his lawyer, James Sultan (the same lawyer who represented Aaron Hernandez in 2015.)

He was originally required to stay in the custody of his parents but that was also lifted and he has since been approved to travel while waiting for his next court date in September.

I figured when he got bagged for shoplifting in April he’d be in hot water. Nope.

(I love how they wrote “she”. It’s a nice kick in the junk for being a stupid little assclown)

Fast forward: Recently, Ian has been doing a stand-up job at pissing off everyone in his neighborhood on Lexington Ave. His neighbors claim that his parents are MIA, there are parties at his house every night, cars from MA and NH are coming and going at all hours of the day and everyone’s generally fed up. In fact, The HPD has gotten so many complaints from neighbors that they parked their surveillance truck in front of his house to make their presence known. In a news interview Detective Lieutenant Robert Pistone was awfully proud of how quiet it’s been since the nuisance abatement vehicle was put there last Friday.

Great! Wonderful News! You park a jumbo-sized police vehicle in front of Dillhole McGee’s house and everyone lives happily ever after!

Except the only reason the neighborhood has been so serene all weekend is because Ian was down in Florida where he just got bagged AGAIN, this time for possession of pot and resisting arrest.


And evidently while he was down there he let a one armed, blind orangutan give him a hair cut and shave. Too bad he couldn’t stretch that $200 grand-prize robbery dough and splurge on a decent barber. Now he looks like a late 90’s boy-band member that got thrown through a wood chipper face first.

But not all is lost because he’s recently rekindled his faith in our lord and savoir… and toddlers with tats and brown liquor. Potato/potahto.

See turtles? This is what happens when you screw around, hang out with braindead crotchlobsters and throw your future away.


Something tells me this isn’t the last we’ve seen of Ian.



4 Comment(s)
  • BobnMic
    July 1, 2017 at 4:14 am

    Man I want to own one those bad boys without the markings. I just don’t think it would fit in my garage. So in a competition regarding road rage with that bad boy? I win. Boom. Mic drops- squealing sounds. Boom. Roll over Beethoven…

  • Worcesterite
    July 1, 2017 at 1:41 am

    I hope an anaconda finds him in FL…

  • Wabbitt
    June 28, 2017 at 7:40 pm

    Shouldn’t a surveillance truck be a bit more… inconspicuous? That think looks like it’s ready to lay seige to Baghdad.

  • Maggie the Cat
    June 27, 2017 at 1:11 pm

    Maybe Florida will keep him. Does anyone know how I can borrow that truck?

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