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Man, I’m starting to like England. The hilarity when Trump showed up there is just too much. No matter how you feel about El Presidente, you have to realize this is hysterical:

A giant orange, raging baby balloon that looks like our commander-in-chief. As the Brits say “Brilliant.” I’m not saying I’m against, or for, Trump. I’m just saying that’s fucking funny.

The only thing that rivals that is this ridiculously hilarious video that was posted on my Facebook wall:

Can we just address one thing right off the bat? Look, if you’re pregnant and engaging in a physical altercation with someone as the aggressor, don’t think yelling out “I’m pregnant” is going to help you especially when you keep whacking dudes off the head with metal baskets. It’s not a good look and you’re the asshole for endangering the life of your baby, not the guy who’s getting the bag beaten out of him.

This happened at a place called Poundland, which British Turtlegirl tells me is their version of our Dollar Tree so everything makes sense now. The guy in the grey shirt is accused of stealing from the store. I’ll never understand why anyone rips off a dollar store, but nothing really surprises me anymore. People rip off donation bins. Nuff said. Alright, let’s break this shit down, shall we? The alleged thief is the guy in the grey shirt and check out the smile on the employee in the black shirt:

That is a man who was just waiting for somebody to test him, and BOOM right in the kissah:

Grey shirt goes down!  At this point Pregnant Patty makes an appearance and does not disappoint:

Wielding that basket like a champ because you know this ain’t her first rodeo. She then ditches the basket for some sort of box and begins beating Black Shirt about the cranium. Because what’s more important than protecting your unborn child? Winning a brawl at a dollar store. Every ratchet knows things, it’s a worldwide fact.

Here’s where she’s yelling “I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant!” like it’s some sort of magical shield against the people that she’s beating the shit out of. This is a major moral dilemma for me. If a pregnant chick is smashing you with whatever she can find, how the hell are you supposed to you protect and defend yourself? Blue Shirt whacked her in the head and ,honestly, if I were in the same position I might do the that too should it come down to it. What are you supposed to do? Let her kick your ass because she claims to be knocked up? You don’t know for sure so split the difference and go for a part of the body that isn’t a baby containment unit. Good call, Blue Shirt. Moving on to the beasts of baskets:

Grey Shirt gets a bitch hit in but really this clusterfuck of a fight is so wild that no one is gonna win. Then Purple Shirt shows up again  in the middle of the shit to defend the honor of his dollar store and is ready to rock:

Then Pregnant Patty steps back up to yell about how she may or may not be harboring a future fugitive, because you know she’s gonna be a great mom if she did earn a fuck trophy presumably by allowing Grey Shirt’s purple headed dragon into her pit of fire. “You hit me and I’m pregnant!” Well, stop hitting him and you’ll be left alone, dumbass! No one was fighting you until you started fighting. Funny how that works, huh?

Uh oh, looks like there’s trouble in paradise! Although, pregnancy brain is a real thing and she probably meant to get either Black, Purple or Blue Shirt and mistakenly laid hands on the possible baby daddy. By the way, can I just say that hat is amazing? What is it with the English and awesome hats? Pretty remarkable how that thing stayed on even while getting walloped upside the noggin.

Shit happens.

It warms my cold, dead heart to see that ratchets are a universal struggle. You’re gonna find them anywhere, even in a land known for its prim, proper and polite general demeanor. And I got a giggle out of the recorder saying “Buy one, get one free.” Hahahaha my man, that was fabulous! I’d buy that guy a pint.

I’m guessing this is just what tea time looks like in the parts of England that have dollar stores. I’m also guessing that the same rule applies there as it does in the US of A: The second a dollar store hits you’re town, you can expect to see and influx in the dregs of society. I love the dollar store, but only because me and my BFF happen to be craft addicts and they have the cheap stuff you can make anything out of (Hi Alec!). And because they have the soap I like best. But really, once that shit opens it’s just a matter of time, no matter where you are in the world.

Manchesterturtlette@gmail.com

Esther Manch on the book