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So I was watching the new last night and saw some more footage from the tree lighting ceremony in Boston that the wannabe protesters ruined. Then I saw this clip from it and it broke both me and my turtle’s poor little hearts:

Congrats protesters!! You guys really made a difference that night. I bet that poor little girl will think twice the next time she tries to go see Santa Claus!!!

I’m so confused though. The cop who comforted this terrified little girl was a black woman. But she’s a cop? How can that be? Doesn’t she realize that upper middle class white people are standing up to protect people like her from…..people like her? They even blocked some bridges and ruined Christmas for her. So confused right now.

Boston Mayor Marty Walsh said it best:

“When you frighten little children, you are not making your point. They came there to see Santa Claus and had people screaming in their ear.”

Here’s the bottom line people – if you support the protesters then you support terrifying four year olds to the point that they cry. End of story. Undebatable. You can start comparing yourselves to patriots, or Ghandi, or whoever. But the bottom line is you make four year olds cry. Congratulations.

Hey kid, stop crying!! There’s a bunch of college kids who are trying to teach you about white privilege and institutional racism by rhyming as much possible. They even learned about it in their sociology classes and watched some Youtube videos that their friends posted on Twitter. Why do you care about Santa when there’s institutional racism going on? I know you’re just a little kid but that’s no excuse for apathy.

Anyway, Turtleboy Sports Facebook page has been invaded by people who think it’s cool to strike fear in the hearts of four year olds and make them cry. Here’s some of the really, really smart things that these geniuses have to say:

Rule #1 of the hippy protester – bust out your thesaurus when in doubt. Doesn’t matter if what you’re saying is ridiculous or insane.

Then there’s the HILARIOUS analogy they like to draw between people who make four year olds cry and the great revolutionary leaders in world history:

Let me explain why this is so idiotic. First of all, the movements this guy lists all led to something. Civil Rights Act, Voting Rights Act, Indian independence, the 19th Amendment, American independence, etc. Where is your “movement” going? What exactly are you trying to accomplish here? What’s the end game? You can’t overturn a decision reached by a grand jury. And besides, normal Americans sympathized with all those groups you listed. No one sympathizes with jagoffs who block traffic and make kids cry.

But let’s look at women’s suffrage just for a minute since this was mentioned. Quick history lesson for these you hippy geniuses. There were two types of leaders in the women’s suffrage movement. Rational people, led by a woman named Carrie Chapman Catt, and nutjobs, led by a woman named Alice Paul.

When the U.S. entered World War I, Catt made the controversial decision to support the war effort, despite the widespread pacifist sentiment of many of her colleagues and supporters. NAWSA women’s work to aid the war effort turned them into highly visible symbols of nationalism.

The republican work of NAWSA stood in contrast to the more radical and aggressive tactics of the National Woman’s Party (NWP) led by Alice Paul and Lucy Burns. In 1917, the NWP staged controversial demonstrations in Washington, D.C. to draw attention away from the war and back to women’s suffrage. Catt was successful in turning NAWSA into a patriotic organization, entirely separate from the NWP, and was rewarded when President Wilson spoke out in favor of women’s suffrage in his 1918 State of the Union address before Congress.

Oh I see. So people didn’t take Alice Paul seriously because they held controversial demonstrations. Sounds familiar. And people that actually had the ability to create laws and enact change (President Wilson) started to favor women’s suffrage because people like Carrie Chapman Catt worked WITH them and were peaceful and rational? But, but, but…I wanna protest!!

Oh yea, and let’s not forget how women’s suffrage was passed. The 19th Amendment was voted on in the Senate in 1918. It failed by two votes. So what did the women’s suffrage leaders do? Stand in traffic? Ruin Christmas? Make four year olds cry? Nah, that sounds like a really dumb way to try to accomplish your goals. Instead Carrie Chapman Catt gave a shitload of her organization’s resources towards the election of William Harris (Georgia), David I. Walsh (Massachusetts), Selden Spencer (Missouri), and Henry Keyes (New Hampshire). All four of them won close elections and defeated incumbent anti-suffrage senators who had voted against the 19th Amendment in 1918. Then the new Senate voted again in 1919 and suffrage passed. Magic.

Stupid facts.

Maybe if the protesters want to get something done they should try to change the laws. Because ya see, both police officers who were not indicted this past week got off the hook because they didn’t break any laws. Cops don’t make laws. Governments do. Smart people realize this and do something about it. Dumb people stand in traffic.

Then there’s this excuse:

Yea kids, fuck your Christmas. Don’t you kids realize that Santa’s not even real? The whole thing is “falsely exaggerated.” Why are you four year olds so obsessed with consumerism? Don’t you little kids go on Twitter and follow cool hashtags? You think your right to see Santa is more important than my right to block traffic? You don’t have the right to be a kid and enjoy the Christmas season. Because….human rights.

Yea I’ll definitely go get my KKK hood. Because if you don’t think entitled 20 year olds who make four year olds cry are the next Ghandi’s then you’re pretty much a Klansman. Everyone knows that.

I love this excuse. Truly hilarious. By making four year olds cry they are saving lives in the future. Ya got that? It might seem like they’re ruining Christmas but in reality they’re saving these kids from future police executions. These people are actually modern day heroes!!

Ya know why I’ not worried about Turtleboy Jr. ever getting killed by the police? Because I’m gonna teach him to respect authority and stay away from compromising situations so as to have limited interaction with the police. Hopefully this can keep him away from these Nazis!!!

Oh, thanks for arbitrarily deciding what is most important for me and my family. See that right there? That’s the problem in a nutshell. Here’s the thing – most of these protesters don’t have kids. It’s almost exclusively college students and annoying adults who couldn’t find someone brave enough to marry them.

They don’t know what it’s like to have to get Turtleboy Jr. to a dentist’s appointment. They don’t know how impossible it is to reschedule this appointment when we’re blocked from driving down the street. They don’t know how it feels to see the innocent smile of Turtleboy Jr. when he gets to see Santa for the first time. They also don’t know how much it hurts to watch Turtleboy Jr. cry because a bunch of 20 year old entitled bullies yell at him for participating in consumerism.

They don’t care about any of that stuff because for them life is a fantasy land where you protest in your free time, go to some classes during the day, and get wasted on the weekends. I know, I’ve been to college. It’s a four year fantasy ride that bears no resemblance whatsoever to reality.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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