Turtleboy Investigates

Pumpkin Spice Mafia Freaks Out After Basic Becky Posts About Nearly Being Kidnapped At Millbury Target, Pube Prince Employee Who Got Her Worried White Knights The Comments

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We’re almost halfway through September which means one thing – the Pumpkin Spice Mafia is gonna be posting on Facebook a lot. And what’s hot in the Uggs and hoodies community these days are posts about creepsters, preferably at crowded department stores, trying to kidnap you and your kids for the purposes of sex trafficking. Here’s the latest one from Millbury…….

So let me get this straight. She was at Target with her kid, an employee approached her and told her that he didn’t “want to scare” her, and then proceeded to cause her to freak the fuck out by telling her that a guy she hadn’t seen had been “following her in the aisles.” Because it’s very strange to see people walking in the aisles at Target. VERY strange!!

Of course the REALLY creepy part was when he was LOOKING at her!! In public!!! The white girl horror of it all!!

Naturally she did what any reasonable person would do, immediately stopped shopping for whatever she was there for, grabbed her child, and ran for her life.

Then she went back to the store (with reinforcements of course) and demanded to see the security footage so she could possibly identify the sex trafficker.

Yup, this story checks out.

Regardless of the fact that this is clearly the biggest overreaction of all time, the pearl clutching commenced….

Yup, Savanna is right. The guy was clearly there to kidnap your crotch fruit. There’s no other possible explanation.

And now the cops are involved….

Remember when that Smith College dude whined because people called the cops on her without any evidence that she had committed a crime? Turns out it happens to white people too. What time are we marching on City Hall?

Others are demanding increased police presence due to the abundance of hysterical basic bitches on social media….

Seems like a good use of public resources.

Soon all the other STK’s (survivors of Target kidnappings) came out with their horror stories and it turned into a huge bootleg #MeToo…..

Stop the fight!!! A shady guy said something to her in a seedy part of Worcester!!! That’s literally never happened before!!

The stories kept getting better and better….

“I’ve almost been abducted.”

Who hasn’t ALMOST been abducted before? Luckily most abductions are not successful on the first try. Dudes in rape vans usually have to try 4-5 times before a successful kidnapping in a department store.

Tell us your abduction story Jade….

That is one frightening sentagraph right there!! Poor girl tries to go to McDonald’s, sees two sketchballs, (who naturally are driving a rape van and not trying to keep a low profile) gets followed by them, runs to Burger King, the rapists blockade the entrance with their rape van, and the victims make a daring escape onto the highway where they eventually lose them after a dramatic high-speed chase!!


Next thing you know duckfaces in distress were tagging their white knights so they could announce to the world that their women would not be allowed outside of the house without a male chaperone who naturally will be armed….

This is all a perfectly reasonable reaction to a Facebook post from a stranger.

Here’s another….

An empty basket. That can only mean one thing –

She literally had a group of girls walk her to her car at Burlington Coat Factory for fear of being kidnapped. Be more basic. You can’t.

This clamtrap had a panic attack at Marshall’s when she encountered her kidnappers…

Scary shit!! But not everyone in the Pumpskin Spice Mafia is willing to be a passive victim…..

Oh snap, she was in MMA for almost a full calendar year!! Ain’t no one kidnapping this basic bukkake broad….

Imagine what women in third world countries would think if they saw stuff like this:

“A nightmare.” She left Target because an employee told her a guy was walking in the aisles and looking at her for 10 minutes. Meanwhile Honduran women are marching their kids across deserts for the chance to leave here illegally, despite the fact that we have an epidemic of human traffickers at discount stores everywhere.

What about the cops? According to the OP they have reviewed the footage but are NOT letting her see the tape….

Yup, this keeps getting more and more believable. The cops reviewed the footage, saw the stalker, and did not ask the “victim” if she recognized him. That’s how police work works.

Or, maybe, just maybe, the cops saw an innocent person who happened to be shopping in the same part of the store she was for 10 minutes, and decided this was just a case of pumpkin spice syndrome.

Then the employee who got Becky all fired up chimed in…. 

“It was me who got you worried over nothing! Me, me, me, me!!!! I am Spartacus!!”

This is your white knight hero of the day folks….

The Prince of Pubes basically saved her life.

Oh wait, no he didn’t. Because it turns out these cult kidnapping Facebook stories were debunked months ago. And at the end of the day all this brave Target employee did was drive a male and female customer out of the store before they could buy anything, because he determined that one of them was a kidnapper.

I don’t know how many times we have to post about stories like this before people finally get the message. If you see a stranger post a story on Facebook that seems to unreal to believe, it probably isn’t real.

Stop. Believing. Everything. You. Read. On. Facebook.

9 Comment(s)
  • Henry Fool
    September 16, 2018 at 8:33 am

    It’s too bad fifty Turtleboys couldn’t gather at Target and follow one of these hysterics around as a large clump of menace.

  • Michael Hunt
    Mike Hunt
    September 13, 2018 at 12:12 am

    That fucking turtle picture is one of the best things I’ve ever seen!

  • I’m not sayin it was aliens
    September 12, 2018 at 10:22 pm

    Millbury Target? As in Shoppers World or something? As in the giant plaza with a police detail all day every day directing traffic? Perfect location for an abduction! 

  • Judge dread
    September 12, 2018 at 1:30 pm

    All of these entitled cunts that responded to her Facebook post calling the experience “scary”, “terrifying”, etc need to check their privledge.

    You know what fucking scary is? Scary is being at an illegal rave that got busted in East New York in Brooklyn(next to Brownsville is the most dangerous area of Brooklyn) walking the streets at 3AM looking for a bootle car service or subway to get back to Manhattan because the Manhattan car service 212-777-7777 refuses to pick u up. Having drug runners and strapped gang members eye ball u and follow u around wondering what the fuck a white guy is doing on their turf.

    These sheltered entitled bitches are full of shit and probably live with their parents in a $950k house in Winchester or Wellesley

  • warpedhead
    September 12, 2018 at 12:28 pm

    I’ll bet as soon as Target gets wind of this that employee will need a new job…

  • gtfo
    September 12, 2018 at 11:17 am

    Thanks to the internet I stopped going to stores years ago. Just can’t handle the idiots who frequent them.

  • I See Dumb People
    I see dumb people
    September 12, 2018 at 10:59 am

    Fuicking idiots .. It was probably Loss Prevention making sure the ratchets dont steal anything !!!

    • Fuzzy Dunlop
      September 12, 2018 at 3:59 pm

      This is exactly the same thing that first came to mind reading this. 

  • ncfoothillybilly
    September 12, 2018 at 10:05 am

    I guess this van wasn’t inconspicuous enough.

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