Pumpkin Spice Mafia: Hennessy Dipped Edition, Sex Toy And MLM Slinging Boss Babe Totally Almost Had Her Mom Stolen From The Worcester Wal-Mart, Advises To “Keep An Eye On Your Kids” Despite This NEVER Happening Ever

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Honestly, how many times must we tell literally everyone that no one is trying to recruit you into their cult or follow you around trying to steal your kids? It’s just not happening, guys.

In a since deleted post, this chick Angie Marie Valentin is trying to get you worked up over chicks who took her mom’s picture in a Wal-Mart:

Except it was the Worcester Wal-Mart, and this is just the Pumpkin Spice Mafia dipped in Hennessy. No matter how much you wish it would happen, no one is going to kidnap you from the absolute ratchet nightmare that is the Worcester Wal-Mart. You’re stuck there until you get your rollback priced white bread and your Great Value balogna. I’m pretty sure I’d go willingly if someone tried to kidnap me just to get myself the fuck outta there.

First things first, it really looks like your mom was following them, hon…what with the pictures only capturing their back in those first two. I’m no tailing expert or anything, but I’m absolutely sure that when you follow someone you’re the one who gets this view:

Don’t you think if they were following your mom and those kids that she’d get way more frontal photos of these women? If they were up to something, don’t you think they’d be walking away faster than that? Not only did she get a near perfect photo of some quality mom keister with minimal to no motion blur, but she was able to get two pictures from this view.

The only photo moms was able to get of one of the women’s face is hysterical. Tell me this isn’t the face of an absolutely annoyed as fuck woman…

That face says “I’m officially fed up with the Pumpkin Spice Mafia’s paranoid delusions that they’re being followed and/or about to be sold into sex slavery.” That or she’s laughing at your psycho mom who keeps snapping pictures of her like a fucking weirdo, Angie.

If she was some creepy cult lady or sex trafficker, why the hell would she stop long enough to allow this woman to take a picture of her face? That makes entirely zero sense. I would imagine cult people or sex traffickers or baby snatchers would realize when they’ve been found out and would promptly get the fuck out of there as to not draw attention. Instead, this chick practically posed for a photo.

Let me take a moment to remind you all that it’s not at all illegal to take someone’s picture without their consent.You’re in public, people can snap all the pictures they want. This Angie’s mom did. It’s not illegal, it’s creepy at best. There’s a really good chance that Angie’s mom’s picture is being uploaded to right now, or that the fake kidnapper/cult leader/sex trafficker sent it to her friends got a really good laugh at mom looking like shit in Wal-Mart as basically everyone does. I don’t break out my good leggings to go to Wal-Mart, I wear the leggings that I bought for three bucks at Wal-Mart to go to Wal-Mart.

After checking out Angie’s profile, I found this to be hysterical:

Yeah, but if you stand out from the crowd you might get snatched into a creepy cult! Probably a pumpkin spice themed cult! I also wouldn’t be wearing that jacked up perfume, either. But then again, she’s gotta pimp her MLM (multi level marketing) pyramid scheme sex toys somehow!

Stop it, Angie. Selling sex toys and other bullshit like your basic bitch perfume isn’t a “career”.  I guess being a graduate of The Salter School doesn’t leave you with a lot of options aside from selling Mary Kay and sex toys to bored housewives, though:

And make no mistake about it. Though Pure Romance may sell shitty makeup like this:

They also definitely sell dildos in “mystery bags” like this:

“Mild or wild? *excessive emojis*”

OK, stop it Angie. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. #BossBabe

What I don’t get is why make shit like this up? Why say a few ladies were following your mother around when 1) That shit has been proven time and time again to be untrue. The police have made statements debunking this shit. We’ve covered it a few times. No one is planning on recruiting your mom into a cult or stealing the kids she has with her. It’s a crowded store in Worcester fucking Massachusetts, no one is going to risk being caught like that in a heavily surveilled Wal-mart.

2) Even if they did run into each other throughout the store a few times, why do you assume they were following your mother? If I made a post every time I repeatedly ran into another customer at the same store more than once per shopping trip I would have to make a post about it every time I left the fucking house. No one is trying to kidnap me. We’re just buying some of the same shit.

3) You weren’t there. You saw none of this happen. Maybe momma has been hearing all the shit that’s been debunked and hasn’t gotten the memo. Don’t you think that if this was a real thing and that a “few more customers” were complaining about it that the cops would’ve put out some sort of statement? They can’t very well have a Facebook press release where they stand there and say “Angie Valentin’s mom is a paranoid old broad who reads entirely too much dumb shit on the Internet.” so they said nothing at all. Someone would’ve said something is this was a real thing, but it wasn’t.

You know this shit didn’t happen, which is why you deleted the post you made…but not before I could screenshot that shit, sweetie! It annoys the shit out of me when people make unsubstantiated claims of things that never happened solely for the purpose of getting attention or causing mass hysteria. All you were trying to do was gain sympathy for secondhand trauma that never happened in the first place and scare people.

Worcester Wal-Mart is where people go to get robbed in the parking lot, not to get kidnapped and/or sold into sex slavery. Not to mention if anyone is being followed or checked out at this particular Wal-Mart, it was 100% for loss prevention purposes only.


1 Comment(s)
  • Judge dread
    October 22, 2018 at 6:03 pm

    It’s almost like the pumpkin spice mafia members want to be sex slaves. The sex slaves they claim are way hotter than they are. I think there is some female jealousy going on here…

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