Turtleboy Investigates

Ranking The Walking Dead Characters From Least To Most Likely To Die From Lucille, And Who We Want To Die The Most

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The Walking Dead is one of the most popular TV shows in American history for a reason. I didn’t get into it at first because I’m a grown ass man who wasn’t gonna watch a show about zombies. But I just started watching in Season 6 and it was pretty good. Then I needed something to do while I was at Planet Fitness besides watch the Food Network, so I started watching from the beginning. It really is a great show, and it has little to nothing to do with zombies. They’re just there. But they’ve brought out the worst in pretty much everyone who is alive. Makes you realize that if there were some catastrophic event that wiped out the government, only the assholes would survive. That’s what makes Rick Grimes’ posse so intriguing. They’ve been battling between keeping their humanity and surviving at all costs since the show began, while everyone else has been fending for themselves.

I only have three big beefs with this show:

  1. They kill off the best characters and keep the worst ones. They’re fucked going into Season 7, and all I can think is “Shane would fuck up all these assholes if he wasn’t so hung up on a chick he nailed on time.” And why did they have to kill off Andrea and Tyrese but they left us with useless characters like Sasha and Eugene?
  2. There’s not enough flashbacks. I wanna know more about what these people were like before the world went to hell and they all turned into animals.
  3. They’re obsessed with cliffhangers, which they totally don’t have to do because they’re the highest rated show on TV without that old trick.

Anyway, whatever they’re doing is working because I can’t remember being this excited for a show as I am about Sunday’s season premier of 

The Walking Dead. 

If you don’t watch the show the concept is pretty simple – there’s a bad hombre named Negan who has 11 of the good guys lined up (Rick, Carl, Glenn, Maggie, Rosita, Abraham, Sasha, Eugene, Aaron, Daryl, Michonne) in the middle of the woods and surrounded by his army of thugs. Negan is a post-apolcalyptic dictator whose policy is “give me half your shit and I won’t kill you.”

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It’s like paying taxes in the real world but you don’t get anything out of it except for the right to keep on living for a little while longer (I guess it’s really not that much different from paying taxes in Worcester). And just to show every new group he comes across how serious he is, it’s his policy to kill one of them using a baseball bat covered in barbed wired that he’s named “Lucille.” Season 6 ended with a 15 minute scary as shit monologue from him until he finally chose the person he’d be killing. He then bashes their brains in, but you don’t know who it is because you see it take place from the victim’s perspective. This trailer is chilling:

So what the writers wanted us to do was debate who he killed for six months in order to get people juiced up for the show. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy into it, but yet here I am talking about it because I can’t stop thinking about it. So we’re gonna run down the 11 characters and rank them from least likely to be killed, to most likely to be killed. Then we’re gonna rank them from who Turtleboy most wants to die, to least wants to die.

Likelihood of Dying:

11. Tie – Carl and Rick

The writers have already announced that both Carl and Rick are alive. Obviously you can’t kill the main character, and Carl is still technically a kid, and I don’t think they were ready to go there even though they’ve killed off kids before.

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9. Maggie

They’re not gonna kill a pregnant chick. Anyone who thinks they’re gonna kill Maggie is an idiot. No fucking way.

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8. Daryl 

They can’t kill Daryl Dixon. Chicks dig him too much. He’s like Jesse from Breaking Bad. Too important to the show. Plus, he hasn’t even got laid since the apocalypse and everyone wants him to bang Carol. Oh, and Dwight (from the saviors) is gonna be a big character this season (and I would bet Dwight ends up joining the good guys), and the ongoing rivalry between those two is gonna be a big storyline in Season 7.

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7. Rosita

Why would they writers kill her off? That would be incredibly anti-climactic. She’s been on the show for a few seasons, but she’s hardly a major character. If Negan bashed her brains in we’d all get over it pretty quickly since I find it hard to believe she’s anyone’s favorite character. She’s just the spicy chick that Abraham used and then discarded when he found greener pastures.

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6. Sasha

She’s kind of like Rosita, except we know a little bit more about her. But she’s just not relevant enough to kill off. They can’t leave you in suspense for 6 months and then have you find out it was Tyrese’s stupid sister who was killed.

 

5. Michonne

It ain’t gonna be Michonne. Too good of a character and not meant to die this early. Although I will say this – Rick just recently brought Michonne to the bone zone. Remember what happened to the last chick Rick fell for? She got eaten by zombies. Before that was his wife and Carl shot her in the head. Would be a hell of a story line if she died too, but I just can’t picture that happening.

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4. Aaron

He’s the newest character, and the one that fans have the least attachment to. It would be pointless to kill Aaron. But, on the other hand Aaron has proved himself to be pretty damn valuable to the group, and one of the last original Alexandrians left alive. Would be interesting, but more than likely the dead person is gonna be one of the top 3.

 

3. Eugene

It would make sense. Eugene has no reason to be alive. He’s a huge pussy and a liar. But he just recently grew a sack and suddenly has utility now that he knows how to make bullets. Wouldn’t it be an ironic twist of fate if he died right when he was finally able to fend for himself? That’d be cool.

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2. Glenn

Negan kills Glenn in the comics, and he’s nearly been killed a thousand times on the show. He’s survived the unsurvivable but yet he’s still standing. I think we can all imagine the writers killing him off now. It would be one heaviest moments in the show’s history since Glenn, along with Carol, Rick, Carl, and Daryl, is one of the only original characters still alive. Plus, couple that with the fact that it’s because of his pregnant wife that they find themselves in this situation. I could totally picture Glenn’s baby being his long-lasting legacy to the world, but him not being there for it.

 

1. Abraham

Unfortunately it’s probably gonna be Abraham.

“Eyes on the road champ.” “Taking it like a champ.”

Too much of a coincidence. People like him were made to be awesome for a while and then they get killed. He seems like a great guy, but when you get down to it Abraham is a selfish prick. He lost his family because they were scared of him because he turned into an animal five minutes after the apocalypse started. He’s probably killed a shitload of innocent people, and he ditched his girlfriend (who traveled over 1,500 miles with him) for no reason the second he saw another chick he wanted. He’s flawed, and they like to kill off flawed characters. I could even picture a two for one situation in which Negan chooses Eugene and then Abraham jumps in to protect him and takes one for the team. Plus, he’s the muscle of the group. Negan has all the reason in the world to kill him if he wants to be able to control this group going forward. Sorry Abraham.

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Who Turtleboy wants to see die the least

11. Sasha

I have absolutely no use for this chick. Why is she still here? Why do they dedicate entire episodes to her mental health issues? Why would Abraham ever leave a nice piece of Chipotle pie like Rosita for a damaged basketcase like Sasha?

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10. Eugene

Some people like Eugene because of his character development. Not me. He talks way too much and there’s no reason he should be alive this long.

 

9. Aaron

Got very little use for this guy either. He’s cool and all because he’s pretty resourceful and extremely loyal. But he’s just way too serious all the time, and I kind of feel like he’s been kissing their asses ever since he brought them into Alexandria because he wants to bang Daryl.

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8. Rosita

Ehhhh. She looks good, and she’s a valuable fighter, but I can’t say I’d lose much sleep if they killed her off. I’m emotionally invested zero in Rosita’s long term survival.

 

7. Carl

I’ve kind of reached my breaking point with Carl and wouldn’t mind if they just got it over with and ended him. He still kind of has this thing for Shane and has questioned his Dad’s leadership too many times. Plus, ever since he put his Mom out of her misery he’s been walking around telling the world like he’s captain bad ass. Dude, she was about to die anyway.

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6. Glenn

Glenn is about to be a Daddy, which is sad and all if he’s not alive for it, but at the end of the day he’s still just a pizza delivery boy.

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5. Rick

It’s not gonna happen, but wouldn’t it be cool to see what they did without their leader? Would that mean Abraham is the new leader? Because that would be awesome. The Saviors would be up shit creek without a paddle.

 

4. Maggie

Is it bad that I don’t have the pregnant chick ranked first? It’s not like she’s pregnant in real life. If they kill off her character a baby won’t die, so it’s OK if Maggie dies. But Maggie is a bad ass and a survivor nonetheless. She’d be a big loss for the show.

 

3. Michonne

Michonne is pretty cool, and her backstory is interesting because she lost her baby because of her junkie brother and boyfriend. Plus, she’s a bad ass. She chopped off the Governor’s eye for crying out loud. She’d big a gigantic loss.

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2. Daryl

Daryl Dixon is the man. He seems like a redneck racist like his brother until you get to know him. He’s really a loving and caring man who just happens to say very little and is a whiz with a crossbow. If they killed him off people would riot.

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1. Abraham

Sucks it has to be him. Really does. He’s the funniest character in all six seasons, and some of his one-liners are legendary. Plus, he’s such a fucking badass. I’d hate to see them have to deal with Negan without him in the war chest. He’s had a great run, but his time has come.

See ya Sunday night!!

 

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4 Comment(s)
  • time to let go
    October 22, 2016 at 6:32 am

    Kill ’em all. The show has been rinse-repeat for a while now.

  • Shackleford
    October 21, 2016 at 5:32 pm

    Please no, I’m begging you, do not turn into barstool sports

  • TargetPractice
    October 21, 2016 at 5:05 pm

    It’s definitely Abraham. In the comic, he should have taken the arrow to the back of the head last season, and they were foreshadowing his demise all last season. Comic book says Negan kills Glenn, but they wouldn’t have cock teased
    So hard last mid season about Glen’s death to kill him now. The producers have no balls to kill Rick, michone, Carl, Glenn, or Maggie. And the rest of the cast isn’t significant enough to make an impact on what should be such an important moment, it should be Abraham, unless they go higher up the ladder. My dark horse for that is Carol, which will really piss me off.

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      October 21, 2016 at 6:00 pm

      I think he will just cut off Rick’s right hand… I don’t think the “right hand” reference means a person…

      I forgot who was sitting next to Rick so I don’t know who died. Can’t wait for the 23rd.

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