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There’ve been a lot of epic rants from disgruntled coaches and athletes, all of which turned out to be hilarious. From Dennis Green’s “They are who we thought they were,” to Jim Mora’s “Playoffs”, to Allen Iverson’s “Practice?”, all have had one thing in common – losing. Another thing they all had in common was that they were spontaneous. However, Southern Illinois coach Barry Hinson just upped the ante this week with his now legendary post game rant after the Salukis lost to the Murray State Racers 73-65. Enjoy…..

How do you make people care about a 2-8 team from Southern Illinois? That’s how. Poor coach Hinson is obviously very upset, but he can rest easy knowing that at the end of the day, no one really cares about his crappy basketball program. A lot of delicate and fragile souls (almost exclusively at ESPN) aren’t fond of how the coach handled this situation. Obviously they think he should’ve taken his terrible basketball team out for Dairy Queen after disgracing the great Saluki tradition. There he could give them all a trophy for having a pulse and then they could play ring around the rosey, before topping that off with some finger painting.

Was what he said really that bad? I don’t have an issue with it. Like most people I found it absolutely hilarious. If it wasn’t for his Missouri accent though it wouldn’t have been half as funny. My biggest beef with it is that it wasn’t really from the heart. It was all scripted. No one can possibly be that quick witted and hilarious without writing it out before hand. It’s just not possible. Just so many classic one-liners and zingers packed into a singular two minute rant. Let’s break it down and see if the delicate souls over at ESPN are right about this…

“An off game? Yea Marcus had an off game. Marcus was absolutely awful. That’s about as PG rated as I can say it. He was awful, our guards were awful. Our three starting guards had one assist and seven turnovers. They must think it’s a tax credit. It’s UNBELIEVABLE how our starting guards played.”

OK that tax credit line was 100% scripted. And I’m not gonna lie – I don’t really get it. Maybe I don’t understand taxes enough since my Dad still does them for me. Either way, how do your guards only have one assist? Well for starters (no pun intended), Marcus Fillyaw only played 14 minutes. The other two guards combined for 38 points, and they forced five turnovers too. Coach didn’t mention that. Some people are upset that he called a specific player out. God forbid he hurt the feelings of a Division 1 athlete, who is getting a free college education at the expense of the taxpayers. You can never hurt someone’s feelings. Ever. Hurting people’s feelings is the worse than Stalin’s purges, Kristallnacht, and apartheid put together.

“And let’s talk about our big guys. Two for eleven. How can you go two for eleven? My wife – MY WIFE, can score more than two buckets on eleven shots. Because I know my wife will at least shot fake one time. But those guys aren’t listening. They’re uncoachable right now.”

I dunno about Coach Hinson’s wife, but my wife most certainly would not have the instincts to pump fake in the paint. I’ve never seen her play basketball, but the pump fake isn’t exactly some instinct we’re all born with. Her shit would get stuffed. I call shenanigans on him for this comment.

I got a bunch of momma’s boys right now, and we just won’t buck up and bow our necks, and we gotta get through that. I’m tired (pronounced taaaaard) of coaching a guy and having him roll his eyes, or put his head down or feel sorry himself. Im tired of that. This is big time. People lose their jobs. They don’t put their head down – they go and get another job.

Momma’s boys – brilliant. I am 150% with him on this one. Nothing is worse than the cocky eye roll from a bunch of losers. If you’re gonna roll your eyes at the coach then you better be really freaking good, and you better be an established winner. Since Southern Illinois is terrible, any athlete who rolls their eyes at the coach needs to be sent to Siberia for re-education programming. And he’s right, this is big time. People lose their jobs over stuff like this. Such as Coach Hinson. Unfortunately the only coaching job he’ll be able to get after this is at Quinsigamond Community College.

“You saw how we turned the ball over. I mean, we made three turnovers tonight where we just came down and gave them the ball. I swear, one time I thought on of our players said Merry Christmas. I thought it was a gift. I thought they signed the package over.”

Fantastic one liner, but obviously scripted.

“The point is that every time they don’t do something what we wanna do in practice, we just put em on the treadmill or pushups. We’ve done that a bit but we’ll just be more consistent with it. To me when you’ve got a young team it’s a lot like house training a puppy dog. You know what? When the dog does something wrong, (makes slapping motion), BAD DOG!! Now I’m not gonna hit em, I’m not gonna swat em, but…bad dog, get on the treadmill.”

This actually seems to be spontaneous, and it’s hilarious. I wanna sit down with a bag of popcorn and watch the next Southern Illinois practice. I imagine it’ll be ten nudniks on treadmills while the coach’s wife shows the only two bench warmers who aren’t rolling their eyes how to properly execute the pump fake. Bad dog.

“There was a sniper in the gym. Did you see that? I mean, we had guys falling down. I mean we had a guy snipered at half court. Two guys snipered at half court. It was unbelievable. I would’ve thought Navy Seal Team Six was up there. I mean our guys were coming across there, nobody around them and just fell down on the ground. How does that happen?”

Most scripted rant ever. Still funny though. I can relate to these players though. I used to get sniped all the time in my church league games.

So did it work? Well one of the “bad dogs”, Davante Drinkard, went on Twitter immediately afterwards and tweeted the following:

“I can’t believe the little man had the nerve to call us mama’s boys. Smh. I guess this is where Our team learns to point the finger.”

To me, this singular tweet (which has been taken down) completely justifies every single thing the coach said. That’s because this nudnik is a very, very bad dog. In this game the senior had a whopping two points and shot 1-6. Oh yea, and he’s a center. Instead of manning up and taking accountability for the fact that he is the biggest waste of taxpayer money since Obama’s latest vacation, he goes on the most commonly used media social networking site and whines because his coach called him a “Momma’s Boy.” God forbid. There is no worse thing you can call a person than a “Momma’s Boy.” I wanna give this 6’9″ goober a wedgie for blaming the coach for the fact that he is a giant waste of space. “This is where our team learns to point the finger”? Oh boo-hoo. Here’s what he should’ve said:

“Coach is right – I’m a giant disappointment. I could complain about how mean he’s being, but that would kind of just prove his point, wouldn’t it? I mean after all, I was a highly recruited athlete and have never averaged more than 4 points a game in my whole career. I’m also a 6’9″, 250 pound center, but despite that I have never averaged more than 2 rebounds a game, and my career shooting percentage is under .400. Oh yea, and that’s only slightly lower than my free throw percentage. I’m terrible at those too. I really need to look at myself in the mirror and hold myself to a higher standard. I don’t like when coaches are disappointed with me, and there’s obviously something I can do to improve my game.”

That’s what a winner would say. A Momma’s Boy though? They’d go on twitter and complain about being called a Momma’s Boy.

Here was his scouting report out of high school:

“He has a terrific disposition and really wants to get better. He’s a play-hard guy, a rebounder, a defender. He can be a good defensive player and rebounder for us early and develop his skills in our program.”

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