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Turtlegram: Locked in a struggle with a coyote Wednesday night, Brian Hutchins used a wrestling technique he learned in his high school days and flipped the animal off his head after it attacked him in his yard.

“It jumped on my back,” said Mr. Hutchins, 49, of Glenwood Road, who said the animal felt like it weighed about 80 pounts. “It was trying to bite through my coat and it scratched me all up. I ripped it over my head. I’m kind of a roughneck. I always carry a knife when I go out back because you never know, and I stabbed it. I stabbed it about ten times and it ran off.”

It was around 8 p.m., and Mr. Hutchins was heading toward his chicken coop to put away his hens for the night when he was attacked. Coming from his walk-out basement left him a bit vulnerable because the coyote was on higher ground. There were two other coyotes in the yard, but they didn’t approach him, he said. With the coyote on his back, he said, he “used an old technique” that came back to him from the days when he was a wrestler at Keefe Regional Technical School in Framingham. But, he said, even after getting the animal off his back, he was still a bit scared because of the way it was acting.

The animals can carry rabies. Mr. Hutchins said he didn’t suffer any bites that broke the skin, and because the animal ran off, it couldn’t be killed and tested. The attack left Mr. Hutchins shaken. He said he was shouting as it happened, although his wife, Ruth Hutchins, was not home to hear him. When he called her on the phone, she raced home and was “freaking out,” he said.

“I won the fight,” he said. “I wasn’t going down. It was me, my knife and the coyote.”

Yea…..no. Just no. This definitely did not happen. Of course Lyin’ Kimmy Ring over at the Turtlegram fell for it, because that’s what the MSM does – reports bullshit from bullshitters.

Let’s see, where to begin?

First of all, a 80 pound coyote is a superbreed of canine, the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Coyotes weigh 40 pounds. They’re the pussies of the canine family. They’re slightly above foxes but wolves routinely make them their bitch in the wild.

Secondly, “It jumped on my back?” Coyotes don’t jump on people’s backs. They’re not cats. They’re dogs. They’re two feet tall and can’t climb shit. They’re also petrified of human beings (unless they’re rabid) and they’re not gonna fuck with a grown ass man in his backyard.

Thirdly, da fuq is with this bandaid?

How the hell did a coyote jump on his back and he ended up with a gash on his forehead? He claims the coyote didn’t bite him. So what the hell did it do? Scratch his pray to death? He wants us to believe that a coyote literally climbed his backside, balanced itself on his shoulders, and somehow managed to scratch his face up while coming from behind him? Oh, and those abrasions on his face look like they were probably caused from a fall. Possibly a drunken fall. A coyote did not scratch his face while climbing on his back. Just no. I mean, he’s not even trying. How does this possibly make it past an editor’s desk?

Fourthly, in case you can’t tell this guy very likely likes to hit the sauce. Hard. You can see the bruising around the bandaid on his forehead. Bruising that would come from being something like being punched in the head in a bar fight.

Fifthly, the Queef Tech wrestling techniques were a nice touch of Kevin Cullen he added to the story. As was this:

“I won the fight,” he said. “I wasn’t going down. It was me, my knife and the coyote.”

Very Cullen-esque. That man in the video can barely walk. He’s so grizzled and so Rutland it hurts. Don’t get me wrong, Rutland is a fine town. But it’s in the middle of nowhere so it’s got no shortage of folks like this who look like they’d fit right in in Colrain. If an 80 pound megabeast Coyote that can climb walls attacked him, he would not win the fight. But of course telling an unverifiable story like this might just get him the attention he so clearly desires.

Sixthly, a coyote did not do this to his jacket:

A knife did. A knife that he most likely used himself.

Seventhly, if the story is as he tells it, it means the coyote wasn’t rabid. Because rabid coyotes wouldn’t get scared and run off after that. And the two other coyotes wouldn’t stand there and watch.

He’s also got no dirt on his back, no wounds on any of his hands, and not a single drop of blood anywhere on his jacket despite stabbing a 80 pound coyote 10 freaking times like he was God damn OJ Simpson!!

Meanwhile everyone in the comment section is debating about whether or not he should’ve shot the coyote and if we should hunt then. Yes, obviously we should hunt coyotes. They are a plague and they don’t belong in our state. Get the fuck out and go back to Vermont where you belong.

But that’s what this guy and the Turtlegram want you to do – argue about coyotes. Because it distracts you from the fact that he’s a liar and the Turtlegram is fake news.