Mainstream Media Fails

Rowdy Rutland Piper Story That He Was Attacked By 80 Pound Mega Coyote Is The Worst Lie Ever And The Greatest Mainstream Media Fail Of All Time

Follow @TurtleboyNews on Twitter by clicking here

Follow Turtleboy on Instagram by clicking here

Follow and like the Turtleboy Sports Forever, the newest Turtleboy Sports page and Clarence Woods Emerson to keep up with the hilarious turtle rider commentary.

Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information.

If you like free speech and want to support what we’re doing, feel free to donate to the Turtle fund:




 

 

 

 

 

Turtlegram: Locked in a struggle with a coyote Wednesday night, Brian Hutchins used a wrestling technique he learned in his high school days and flipped the animal off his head after it attacked him in his yard.

“It jumped on my back,” said Mr. Hutchins, 49, of Glenwood Road, who said the animal felt like it weighed about 80 pounts. “It was trying to bite through my coat and it scratched me all up. I ripped it over my head. I’m kind of a roughneck. I always carry a knife when I go out back because you never know, and I stabbed it. I stabbed it about ten times and it ran off.”

It was around 8 p.m., and Mr. Hutchins was heading toward his chicken coop to put away his hens for the night when he was attacked. Coming from his walk-out basement left him a bit vulnerable because the coyote was on higher ground. There were two other coyotes in the yard, but they didn’t approach him, he said. With the coyote on his back, he said, he “used an old technique” that came back to him from the days when he was a wrestler at Keefe Regional Technical School in Framingham. But, he said, even after getting the animal off his back, he was still a bit scared because of the way it was acting.

The animals can carry rabies. Mr. Hutchins said he didn’t suffer any bites that broke the skin, and because the animal ran off, it couldn’t be killed and tested. The attack left Mr. Hutchins shaken. He said he was shouting as it happened, although his wife, Ruth Hutchins, was not home to hear him. When he called her on the phone, she raced home and was “freaking out,” he said.

“I won the fight,” he said. “I wasn’t going down. It was me, my knife and the coyote.”

 A carpenter who operates Hutchins’ Handyman Services, Mr. Hutchins said he was glad he was in the Carhartt jacket he wears most days. The coyote grabbed onto the jacket, trying to bite Mr. Hutchins, but was unable to penetrate the material. Mr. Hutchins said that without the jacket, he probably would have been more seriously injured.

Yea…..no. Just no. This definitely did not happen. Of course Lyin’ Kimmy Ring over at the Turtlegram fell for it, because that’s what the MSM does – reports bullshit from bullshitters.

Let’s see, where to begin?

First of all, a 80 pound coyote is a superbreed of canine, the likes of which we’ve never seen before. Coyotes weigh 40 pounds. They’re the pussies of the canine family. They’re slightly above foxes but wolves routinely make them their bitch in the wild.

Secondly, “

It jumped on my back?” 

Coyotes don’t jump on people’s backs. They’re not cats. They’re dogs. They’re two feet tall and can’t climb shit. They’re also petrified of human beings (unless they’re rabid) and they’re not gonna fuck with a grown ass man in his backyard.

Thirdly, da fuq is with this bandaid?

How the hell did a coyote jump on his back and he ended up with a gash on his forehead? He claims the coyote didn’t bite him. So what the hell did it do? Scratch his pray to death? He wants us to believe that a coyote literally climbed his backside, balanced itself on his shoulders, and somehow managed to scratch his face up while coming from behind him? Oh, and those abrasions on his face look like they were probably caused from a fall. Possibly a drunken fall. A coyote did not scratch his face while climbing on his back. Just no. I mean, he’s not even trying. How does this possibly make it past an editor’s desk?

Fourthly, in case you can’t tell this guy very likely likes to hit the sauce. Hard. You can see the bruising around the bandaid on his forehead. Bruising that would come from being something like being punched in the head in a bar fight.

Fifthly, the Queef Tech wrestling techniques were a nice touch of Kevin Cullen he added to the story. As was this:

“I won the fight,” he said. “I wasn’t going down. It was me, my knife and the coyote.”

Very Cullen-esque. That man in the video can barely walk. He’s so grizzled and so Rutland it hurts. Don’t get me wrong, Rutland is a fine town. But it’s in the middle of nowhere so it’s got no shortage of folks like this who look like they’d fit right in in Colrain. If an 80 pound megabeast Coyote that can climb walls attacked him, he would not win the fight. But of course telling an unverifiable story like this might just get him the attention he so clearly desires.

Sixthly, a coyote did not do this to his jacket:

A knife did. A knife that he most likely used himself.

Seventhly, if the story is as he tells it, it means the coyote wasn’t rabid. Because rabid coyotes wouldn’t get scared and run off after that. And the two other coyotes wouldn’t stand there and watch.

He’s also got no dirt on his back, no wounds on any of his hands, and not a single drop of blood anywhere on his jacket despite stabbing a 80 pound coyote 10 freaking times like he was God damn OJ Simpson!!

Meanwhile everyone in the comment section is debating about whether or not he should’ve shot the coyote and if we should hunt then. Yes, obviously we should hunt coyotes. They are a plague and they don’t belong in our state. Get the fuck out and go back to Vermont where you belong.

But that’s what this guy and the Turtlegram want you to do – argue about coyotes. Because it distracts you from the fact that he’s a liar and the Turtlegram is fake news.

37 Comment(s)
  • Doogie Howser
    April 21, 2018 at 5:22 pm

    This story is suspect. ‘Yotes are cowards, but I had a situation with an animal at work and a Carhartt jacket which solidified my loyalty to the brand.

    I work in healthcare, and my health clinic drew up a contract with a local school to start a program to encourage walking in the community as a health intervention (obesity). It was outside of school hours and voluntary. A dog approached the group one day during the group. In an attempt to avoid an injury to a child, a lawsuit, and an incident with the DCF junta tribunal, I attempted to shoo the dog away (no hardo). It nipped at my arm, and community members came over to scare it away. It tore the jacket but did not break the skin (I was also wearing a heavy duty, military issue, fleece).

    The kids were out-of-control (and parents, I had some trying to get kids to fight each other because of their beef) and I ended up leaving at the end of the contract to work in a place with less liability. It was in an extremely impoverished area. Carhartts are quality.

  • Mike from Maine
    April 21, 2018 at 5:18 pm

    Framingham Tech back in the day. Dumping ground for bone-head D/F students.

    “I’m kind of a roughneck”. BAHHAHA… OMG what a douche. “Carpenter” running a sandman service. Handymen are the bums of the trades that have been thrown off every job by every reputable contractor.

    80 lb German Shepherd like animal, lands on your back biting and you have the precision and dexterity to get a knife out of your belt sheathe and stab the animal 10 times in all that chaos? With not a single defensive wound? Not to mention your belt being blocked by your spare-tire gut and floppy jacket.

    Most likely he fell down and hit his face all on his own.

    If there was an animal it was probably his neighbors friendly dog he decided to kill and is trying to avoid charges of animal cruelty like that South Shore Schlub who shot his neighbors Golden Retrievers.

    TB you got this one right complete and unequivocal fantasy bull-shit.

    • Cynder
      April 21, 2018 at 6:13 pm

      You’re so right about the ‘handyman’ part. This guy took money from an elderly woman in one of the surrounding towns and left the job incomplete. All work had to be redone as it was not up to code. Yes, I personally dealt with Hutchins. He was all lies and excuses. “See you in court”, was all he said. Too bad elderly abuse is not taken more seriously by our system. Now he’s giving coyotes a bad name.

    • Finn
      April 22, 2018 at 8:04 pm

      Mike From Maine,

      I wanted to give your post a million thumbs up. Perfect. 🙂

      Fondly,
      Finn

  • Napoleon Dynamite
    April 21, 2018 at 2:35 pm

    I call fowl! Was he choking his chicken? Do the chickens have large talons? Chickenfucker? It is Rutland after all

  • Adam
    April 21, 2018 at 1:55 pm

    The biggest evidence that this person might not be telling the truth is the fact the world’s record for the largest coyote ever found is 75 lbs.

  • Robbie Watson
    April 21, 2018 at 12:54 pm

    I wish the orientals would do one of those weird cgi reenactments videos, and when he starts stabbing at the hound of the baskervilles his sound effects are added in.

  • Chip Striker
    April 21, 2018 at 12:43 pm

    This retard has guaranteed himself at least an 8th seed in next years bracket.

  • deflateddoritodinks
    April 21, 2018 at 11:14 am

    Unfortunately inpatient beds at insane asylums are a thing of the past like bugy whips, or this jabroni would be occupying one.

  • Wile E. Coyote
    April 21, 2018 at 9:07 am

    I would have taken him out but my acme rocket failed agian I better call Dick Vulva

  • Whinycunt
    April 21, 2018 at 8:10 am

    Please do a poll to see who believes and who doesn’t. I think readers here are smarter than people I talk to. Everyone around me seems to think it’s true. Snicker. The first thing I said when I saw the video is where’s the blood and blood trail? And no one wants to think even that deep into it. Wtf.

  • Travis
    April 21, 2018 at 5:44 am

    Just waiting for Kevin Cullen’s first-hand knowledge of the story

  • Brian Hutchins Hen
    April 21, 2018 at 2:40 am

    I totally believe Elmer Fudd but i do think he may be a bit confused i dont think is was a coyote at all i bet it was the Chupacabra. Or possibly a wild rooster trying to fuck the hens.

  • Coynado!
    April 21, 2018 at 12:40 am

    Sharknado was nothin’. The new terror is Coy-Nado! Killer coyotes on the loose and killing everyone! In theaters next year.

  • Cynder
    April 20, 2018 at 11:14 pm

    I, personally have had to deal with Mr. Hutchins, unfortunately. That being said, I’m extremely leary of his story.

  • Kevin cullen’s Mom.
    April 20, 2018 at 10:29 pm

    Did my son report this? If so it’s probably true. Good thing they dug me up to get a quote. Can someone put me back now ?

  • Talisman
    April 20, 2018 at 10:24 pm

    I heard the coyote hit the ACME hardware store on the way over and Elmer here ran into the tunnel that was painted on his fence.

  • gqqser2
    April 20, 2018 at 9:29 pm

    80 lb Coyote. GTFOH. Jumped on your back… WTF? I hunt these fuckers and every one I’ve seen in 10 years is a smallish 30 lb dog. Biggest I’ve killed is 31 lbs. These fuckers are hard to kill because they are scared shit of people. Full camo and face mask is required to get them in range. Slightest move and they are gone. This guy is so full of shit.

    • NR
      April 20, 2018 at 9:56 pm

      It’s the Bigfoot of coyotes. He should contact the Discovery channel.

  • Who Cares
    April 20, 2018 at 9:15 pm

    Interesting GoFundMe he created 7 months ago. He’s a regular hero.

  • NR
    April 20, 2018 at 8:26 pm

    Let’s face it, 80lbs jumping that dude from behind, he wouldn’t be standing. Would have had serious injuries. At least make the wounds look like claw marks and/or bites. We didn’t get to see the knife. You’d think he’d show that in his tall tale telling.

    • Mike
      April 20, 2018 at 8:44 pm

      No Way…..the Black market bullshit is the biggest fail in media history. Even mahty said he would go to the opening. What do we have to do to get the MSM and politictions to admit they were played????

    • Rte2tentresident
      April 21, 2018 at 11:29 am

      He has 2 Go Fund me pages. There’s another from a Brian Huthcins, supposedly from Corona, CA that was set up for his sick cat. (Half of these GF Mes seem to be about exploiting little old cat ladies). BUT the cat in the picture is the exact same one as shown in the GFM for the Rutland Brian Hutchins. What an coinkydink!

  • Rod Belmont
    April 20, 2018 at 8:00 pm

    First Cullen, and now the Coyote Stabber. Turtleboy is on a roll! This guys story is about as authentic as the new black market opening with their “White Lives Matter” graffiti. It’s all hate. Turtleboy, this site is full of hate. We must embrace the coyote stabbers of the world. No blood? It’s a miracle! Perhaps it’s all fitting for a 420 day. What a high!

  • Brian “killa” Hutchins.
    April 20, 2018 at 7:40 pm

    So I stabbed it and I was like “uh uh uh uh”. And then it ran and was like “aarf aarf aarf”. This makes NH look like Beverly Hills.

  • NR
    April 20, 2018 at 7:28 pm

    Went on a little bender while the wifey was out, probably supposed to be off the sauce…took a nosedive down the stairs and had to come up with something. Wife probably alerted news, because…rabid coyote that’s not bleeding from 10 stab wounds…and Don Vito Corleone there would need the course of rabies vaccination for those wounds if caused by an unknown coyote that, if it would attack like, that would be suspected of rabies.

  • TJB
    April 20, 2018 at 6:37 pm

    Judging by the injuries, facial abrasions from diving headfirst down a carpet covered staircase. But, yeah….coyotes.

  • Elmer Fudd
    April 20, 2018 at 6:15 pm

    Wow. What a non-story. Grasping at straws what with Kevin Cullen in the news and all.

  • Lt Dan
    April 20, 2018 at 6:11 pm

    Looks like Kevin

  • Salma Hayek
    April 20, 2018 at 5:42 pm

    Meanwhile, back to my tits…

  • Screw PC
    April 20, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    Check your asshole for martian probes, fat boy.

  • Local real local
    April 20, 2018 at 5:13 pm

    The 80 pound thing that jumped on your back was either Joe Petty or your wife was trying to tell you she is horny. If it was your wife, you aren’t nearly as strong as you suggest. If it was Petty, I would turn in my man card and hold my head in shame, forever.

    Score another for the Turtle.

  • EmfnT
    April 20, 2018 at 5:05 pm

    The part that got me was where the article said he was coming out of his basement bulkhead so the coyote was up higher than he was. If that’s the case, then he would have been facing the coyote as he came out of his bulkhead, and it would not have jumped on his back. But…Cool story, bro.

    • z
      April 20, 2018 at 6:45 pm

      I have been eyeball to eyeball with a coyote on a trail at Skinner State Park that overlooks the Connecticut River. It’s winter, I going uphill, the coyote is going downhill. We end up about 5 feet away from each other. We both looked at each other and said “Oh Oh” and both of us went back the way we came. Did scare the crap out of me.

      I’ve jumped 3 bears in the woods while hiking or mountain biking. I’ve hit a deer in the head with my elbow while mountain biking. Deer is about a foot off the trail. I don’t see him until the last second and the deer didn’t see me. I believe I heard the deer say “Dude, WTF?” Other than giving the deer a possible concussion(I’m serious), we all turned around and went back the way we came. Screwed up a days hike or mountain biking but it is a pretty big buzz kill.

      The guy is most likely lying. But don’t discount the fact that animals that could pick a fight with you are not out there. They are. They just know that discretion keeps them alive for another day.

      If he says he stabbed it 10 times and he’s a bad-ass with a knife, I’m surprised there was no followup by him or the paper. 10 wounds is going to bleed. There’s has to be blood laying around somewhere. If you got it good and it’s wounded it may not have traveled far before dying. If not dead and wounded, you may have seriously pissed it off and now you have a more dangerous animal (if it did attack and if he stabbed it).

      • Kevi
        April 21, 2018 at 2:15 am

        I got jumped by three bears too! One was too small, one was too big, butt one was just right!

    • Hughbo Mont
      April 21, 2018 at 12:30 pm

      Unless he was moon walking backwards up the bulkhead stairs.

  • Wile E. Coyote
    April 20, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    On behalf of coyotes everywhere, we enjoy our meals basted and medium cooked, not wasted and half-baked.

    That guy is so full of shit, I can smell it from the outskirts of Albequerque.

Comment on this Post

*

RELATED POSTS
Boston Globe Covers 4-11 Boston College, But Not 12-1, #22 UMass
Boston Globe Apparently Will Run Any Article As Long As It Shits On Good Things Like The Ice Bucket Challenge
Boston Globe Writer Calls Dedham, Brookline, Walpole, Everett Football Coaches And Players Intolerant Homophobes, So Patriots Should Sign Michael Sam