Let me formally introduce you to this tub of high cholesterol and raw sex appeal…. Joshua Abrams, of Stoneham.

Besides his obvious mastery of the flexing-in-mirror selfie and maintaining his smokin’ hot bod (he’s in good shape, just ask him),

Joshua also keeps himself busy doing shit like this:

Ok, seriously, if you got through all 9:22 of this video in one shot, I commend you. Quite the feat without a bottle of Valium and shots of tequila nearby. If you couldn’t get through it, I don’t blame you. Let me give you the TA;DW (Too Annoying; Didn’t Watch) – This douche canoe bothers an officer for allegedly “parking on the wrong side of the road,” lectures him about civil rights, then demands to search the cop, questions whether or not he has anything illegal on him, and then attempts to assert his authority to issue a citation for a marked lanes violation… which, for those of you keeping score at home, is exactly no fucking authority at all. None. All while possessing one of the most punchable faces I’ve ever seen.

To elaborate a little more – it goes a little something like this.

“You can see that I’m a little agitated, I’m kinda angry, and I’m normally not like that… “

Yes you are, Josh. We’ll come back to that.

“… and the reason why is…me and two of my friends were standing in front of a church, on a sidewalk, enjoying a moment of silence in memory of friend that passed away.”

Totally believable. Who hasn’t randomly stood with a couple buddies in front of a church in the middle of the night to honor a fallen friend with a moment of silence? There’s no way anyone could think that was suspicious activity. Nothing to see there.

“A Wakefield police officer, Sgt. Burnham, drives on the opposite side of the street… he yells something out the window, something to the effect of ‘are you guys dealing drugs?’ Something like that.”

Again, totally plausible. I mean, an officer who spots that he thinks might be a drug deal would absolutely yell out the window to ask you if you were dealing drugs and give you a chance to run.

“So he swerves on the opposite side of the road… drives on the wrong side of the road and almost strikes and old lady… So I yell ‘drive more safely’… That’s the only thing that stops him from striking this old woman.”

You’re such a hero, Josh. I mean, the officer was most definitely going to ram into the little old lady if you hadn’t piped up and told him to “drive more safely.” I bet you were the #1 Hall Monitor in your middle school, too.

“He does an illegal u-turn. He’s now behind her, he wants to be in front of me, so he’s honking the horn at her, telling her he’s trying to f’in enforce the law… This old woman breaks down into tears… She’s so upset and frightened by this cop… she blows through a stop sign and parks for a good portion of this video.”

Here’s a rough diagram of Sergeant Burnham’s maneuver, as described by Josh.

Nobody burst in to tears but you, soyboy. Stop lying.

“Just because he thinks I don’t know my rights, didn’t give him the right to violate them.”

And you’re a sovereign citizen too. We know. Shut the fuck up.

Now that Josh has finished his monologue, we move to the recording of his interaction with Sgt Burnham.

Josh: I’m not gonna give you my name.

Sgt Burnham: Ok

J: Is there anything else?

S.B: No, I just want to know why you were talking about me being on the wrong side of the road.

J: Because you’re a police officer.

That last sentence pretty much sums up his whole mentality. Sgt. Burnham sounds calm and reasonable, but because he’s a uniformed police officer, guys like Josh think it’s their right and duty to harass them and give them attitude for no good reason. Try this kind of behavior on your waiter at Applebee’s, I dare you. You’ll be up on the internet strung up by your nuts faster than you can say, “Set up the GoFundMe.” But if it’s a cop? For some reason it’s fair game to these types of shitsacks.

J: I’m not gonna tell you my name. I’m not gonna tell ya anything

S.B: I didn’t say you had to tell me anything. I’m talking to yo-

J: Well to even ask me!

Yes, the great offense of one person asking about what his name is. Does this bucket of gelatinous rage get upset at the Starbucks baristas like this, too?

Seems legit. It’s pretty funny that Cries O’No-nuts wants to make the Sergeant here out to be the bad guy, though. Because he’s really not a bad guy at all. And it goes beyond his cool, calm and agreeable demeanor in the face of a raving whinesack running his cumcatcher, as seen in the video.

Sgt. Burnham has been with the Wakefield P.D. since 2010, after starting his career with the Lynnfield P.D. He’s also a Marine Veteran, meaning he volunteered to fight against ISIS and Al Qaeda, but now if stuck dealing with assholes like Josh Abrams. He also volunteers his time to coordinate donations to Toy for Tots through the Wakefield P.D.

Oh, and he also led an active shooter training to help keep kids in the community safe.

Josh, on the other hand, is a career criminal whose greatest hits include “possession of a class A substance”

“Driving with a suspended license”,

“Assault and battery”, “Evading taxi fare”,”violation of abuse prevention order”, and “failure to appear”,

And, about two months ago, “Armed assault with intent to rob”, “unarmed robbery” and “witness intimidation”.

Wow, you guys. Josh really looks like the hero here. No wonder he looks “suspicious” loitering around with his buddies – he’s a drugged up, woman-beating, violent thief. Why don’t you want to show ID, shitdick? Got warrants maybe?

He’s also an absentee father two years running.

Maybe stop committing crimes, Joshy. Parenting works better that way. Oh, yeah, and he uses his kids as props to win back the heart of whatever ratchet broad dumped him last, from the comfort of his mom’s basement.

Bundles of dope work better, I hear. But go ahead, use your kid instead. Because that’s healthy. Can’t imagine why he’s not allowed to take a more active role in fucking those kids up.

And did I mention he lives off of Mommy?

Yep. Definitely a great guy we got here. What a winner.  Fuck 12, amirite?!

And in the biggest bitch move possibly, Whiny McBitchtits wasn’t done with just one video berating a productive and respectable member of the community. Oh, no. He marched his fat useless as right down to the station the next day to go crying to the same police station he attempted to rip apart the night before. For 17 minutes of pure eardrum torture.

What a fucking loser. Oh my good gravy. He sounds like the snotty bitch in fifth grade attempting to dime out her classmates for talking while the teacher was taking a piss.

“What is the punishment going to be?” 

Talking to you is punishment enough, you whiny little bitch. I assure you. Look at this guy listening to his 15 minute bitch-fest:

I’ve seen that face before – it’s the face my husband makes every time I prattle about some shit he cares nothing about, like curtains or grocery store sales or the shitposting I do online. Congratulations, little Copblock lady. You got ‘umm hmmm’d’ to death like the bleeding vagina you are.

What a fucking cuckhold. Here’s a few pro-tips, Josh. Get a job, your mom is tired of taking you clothes shopping. Stop using your kids as you “wahh I’m a victim look at me,” props of the day. Your ex girlfriends hate you, if your kids don’t hate you already rest assured they will. Everyone hates you, and bothering police officers while they’re just trying to do their jobs isn’t going to change the fact that they’re men, and you’re not. Stop picking up your camera phone and proving to the world that you’re a whiny little bitch with an axe to grind – your arrest record will grind to a halt if you start following the law. But most of all, shut the fuck up already. We all hate the sound of your stupid voice.