Turtleboy Investigates

Since Everyone Cheats To Get On Jeopardy We Might As Well Too

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I’m a big Jeopardy fan. Watch it every night with Mrs. Turtleboy right after we feed Turtleboy Jr. his good night cough syrup. I’ve been trying to get on this show for years but it’s hard. To get on you have to take the Jeopardy online test, which comes around once a year. They ask you 50 questions and you have 15 seconds to answer each of them. Generally speaking if you get 35-40 right you have a good shot at getting a call back. If you do get the call then you go to an in-person tryout before finally making the show.

The test isn’t easy though. I like to think I know a lot of random shit, but I can’t seem to get more than 30 right every time I take it. Consequently I have never gotten the call back. But I was watching Jeopardy last month when this happened:


Goddamn Stephanie. How is that even possible? Kristin, who wasn’t even a very good contestant, was the only player allowed into Final Jeopardy that day because she was up against numbnuts McGee and the prom queen. Ya see on Jeopardy, if you don’t know the answer, you’re not supposed to buzz in. You don’t get points for trying your best. Stephanie clearly missed that memo.

So when I saw this the first thing I thought was – how the hell did this moron make in onto the show and I haven’t? How the hell did she get 35-40 questions right on the online test? Because those are wicked hard. She obviously cheated right? Well to test this out I decided I would cheat this year. Using the name “Turtleboy” name (for scientific purposes of course) we had two Turtleboy’s and one of the Turtlegirl’s work on this together. We figured three turtles were better than one. But as you will see in the video, we found a way towards the end to make sure we got EVERY question right.

Here’s the video:

I don’t fuck around with Shakespeare. Name any play and I’ll tell you the major characters. I challenge any protester to a Bard-off.

Yea, once I figured out you could just copy and past the questions into Google that became a lot easier. Did we cheat our faces off? Of course. But so did Stephanie when she took the test. Obviously. How has Jeopardy not figured out how easy it is to copy and paste those into Google? They only give you 15 seconds so you don’t have enough time to type the questions in manually. Come on Alex Trebek, get your shit together.

If only we had figured this out earlier we could’ve gotten at least 45 right. By my count we ended up with 35 right, which may or may not end up with a call back. Luckily there’s one more test tonight. I highly suggest you give it a shot by signing up on Jeopardy.com and seeing how many you can get without cheating.

Anyway, if you don’t wanna watch the whole video, here are the 50 answers, followed by the questions at the bottom. We bolded the questions that we got right.

1. This Dianna Gabalon series takes place in Scotland in the 20th and 18th centuries.

2. President Fitzgerald Grant was in officer during this drama.

3. It’s an atom that becomes electronically charged by gaining or losing an electron. 

4. This Ohio city is named for a Roman-inspired society of revolutionary war officers.

5. Testimony by witness who didn’t see an event but was told about it is inadmissible because it’s considered this. 

6. The Roman Senate house took place in this popular meeting area. 

7. He wrote the 1759 tales “Candide.”

8. A green robot is the logo of this operating system. 

9. The Roman counterpart of Mars, in Greek myth he was the God of War.

10. The President bestows this, the highest U.S. military award, in the name of Congress. 

11. A wandering person or tribe that begins with the letter “N.”

12. This major European river is the longest one emptying into the Black Sea.

13. This star of comedies like “The General” was known as the “Great Stone Face.”

14. Laura Wingfield collects fragile animal figurines in this play by Tennessee Williams. 

15. Lincoln defeated this fellow Illinoisan in the 1860 Presidential election. 

16. This black volcanic glass is names for the Roman who supposedly discovered it.

17. A 2014 MOMA exhibit was devoted to the paper cut-outs of this 20th century french artist.

18. Soon after his January 2015 election, the new Prime Minister of this country traveled Europe to renegotiate his country’s bailout. 

19. An instance of seeing the truth for the first time is called a “Come to “him”” moment. 

20. It’s the one word title of Cheryl Strayed’s memoir of hiking the Pacific Crest trail by herself.

21. This device stretched it’s victims agonizingly. 

22. The “G” in GIF and .PNG stands for these.

23.  Rosalind, Orlando, and Jaques are characters in this Shakespeare comedy. 

24. The magazine called her “living” has a circulation of over 2 million.

25. The daughter of Haitian immigrants, Mia Love joined the LDS church and represents this state in Congress. 

26. Take me to church was a God-send for this one-named singer. 

27. This poem by Allen Ginsburg says, “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness.”

28. Your thigh bone contains this long bone. 

29. Sugar, brandy, and of course cherries are flambeed and spooned over vanilla ice cream to make cherries “this.”

30. The second battle of this was in August of 1862. 

31. This man is Obama’s current secretary of state. 

32. This 8-letter word is the opposite of an ideal society and is the general term for a society characterized by human misery. 

33. On September 24, 2013, this religious holiday began at sundown. Yom Kippur began on October 3. 

34. This wild dog of Australia is also the slang term for a cowardly person. 

35. “The ebony idol of Quearqueg” is chapter 95 of this novel. 

36. It’s the capital of Estonia. 

37. “I’m here to remind you of the pain you left when you went away,” sang Alanis Morissette in this song. 

38. Last name of the brothers who in 2014 said they’d get $889 million together to support the GOP.

39. A theoretical physics institute in Copenhagen is named for this man. 

40. “Jesu Joy of Man’s Desire” is from a cantata by this composer. 

41. To bind the hands and feet to a cross. (the middle letter is “c”)

42. Idaho is on this state’s western border, with Canada to it’s north. 

43. This University is adjacent to the city of South Bend, Indiana. 

44. He took over as the leader of the Soviet Union in 1985. 

45. She wrote, “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

46. This, “which the lord God had taken from man, made he a woman.”

47. Na is the symbol for this element. 

48. 2014 brought us this superhero team: “Days of Future Past.”

49. In November of 2014 Jay Sekulow was on the bestseller list with the “Rise of” this jihadist group. 

50. Between and inside are this part of speech.


1. Outlander

2. Scandal

3. Ion 

4. Cincinnati

5. Hearsay

6. The Forum

7. Voltaire

8. Android

9. Ares

10. Congressional Medal of Honor

11. Nomad

12. Danube

13. Buster Keaton

14. Glass Menagerie

15. Stephen Douglas

16. Obsydian

17. Henri Matisse

18. Greece

19. Jesus

20. Wild

21. Rack

22. Graphics

23. As You Like It

24. Martha Stewart

25. Utah

26. Hozier

27. Howl

28. Femur

29. Cherrie’s Jubilee

30. Bull Run

31. John Kerry

32. Dystopia

33. Rosh Hashanah

34. Dingo

35. Moby Dick

36. Talinn

37. You Oughta Know

38. Koch

39. Neils Bohr

40. Bach

41. Crucify

42. Montana

43. Notre Dame

44. Mikhail Gorbachev

45. Judy Blume

46. Ribs

47. Sodium 

48. X-Men

49. ISIS

50. Preposition

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6 Comment(s)
  • June 15, 2015 at 10:48 pm

    Thank you for sharing details.

  • Who's Your Daddy
    April 17, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    Mom is right, I screwed off all 4 years and had to go to BC.

  • JoeMomma
    April 17, 2015 at 7:14 am

    Don’t hate on UMass, if you had paid attention in high school you might have gotten in.

    • Yes
      April 17, 2015 at 11:51 am

      LOL! Might have gotten in? You think I would waste my time going to a PUBLIC school? How laughable. Thank you for that Friday afternoon pick me up.

      GET IN, LOL!

  • Yes
    April 16, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    UMass sucks

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