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Today is Valentine’s Day, also known as the biggest scam ever pulled on men in the history of the world. I used to like Valentine’s Day growing up. You get a bunch of candy and cheap cards in school. Then when you’re in college you use it as an excuse to take out some lonely girl who doesn’t love you, blow the last $38 in your savings, only to get stiffed at the last moment because she “has class the next day.” That’s because Valentine’s Day can come on a Tuesday, giving women the ability to get their free meal, not feel lonely, and still keep their dignity.

Once you’re in an established relationship though, Valentine’s Day becomes the worst day of the year by far. First of all, the timing. We just had Christmas like six weeks ago. Christmas is of course the mutual exchanging of unneeded crap amongst loved ones. Secondly, if I’m in an established relationship, why is the burden still on me to be romantic on this fabricated holiday? If we share a bank account, then why am I still taking you out for dinner? Can’t we both just agree that it’s a colossal waste of money and get some Chinese food instead?

Look, once the courtship is over, that’s it. You’ll get your romance, but it certainly isn’t gonna be because some stooge marketed the shit out of Valentine’s Day and put pressure on every able bodied male to prove how much he loves his girlfriend by buying her a box of chocolates and taking her to Bertucci’s. Can’t we just agree that we love each other and we’ll go out to dinner another night? No? Well, the last thing I wanna do is get in a fight or God forbid cook my own dinner. Get your coat on babe, we’re going to Chili’s!! Because I totally forgot to make a reservation at a real restaurant. Don’t worry though, you can whatever you want. Chips and Salsa. Chicken fajitas. Whatever you want babe. It’s YOUR big day.

You know who’s having the best Valentine’s Day this year? Everyone in Sochi. Apparently there’s this thing called “Tinder,” which from what I gather is craigslist exclusively for sex. From what I take you go on there and just click on girls you wanna play scrabble with. If they click you, then you get together and consummate the one night stand. If you they don’t click on you then you cry yourself to sleep and/or lower your standards by clicking on uglier girls. Word is that Tinder is all the rage in the Olympic village right now. That’s how you celebrate Valentine’s Day right there. No dinner. No money. Just pure, unadulterated flings with people who don’t love you and don’t speak English.

TurtleBoySports is a family blog, so obviously we frown on such behavior.

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