By J-Dub

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is J-Dub, and I write a sports blog named “Dubsism.” I’ve been a fan of Turtle Boy Sports since day one, even though I wonder why this site rarely talks about sports. I guess it really doesn’t matter; I do enough “hot-taking” on sports. The thing that matters is when I saw TBSports is willing to accept guest commentary, there was literally no way I could resist. Like I said, on my site, I keep it all about sports. There’s even a rant on my “About” page about avoiding politics.

The problem is that art imitates life, life imitates sports, sports is full of bullshit, and so is life. In other words, when you like to have rants, you don’t always get to control what might drop on to your tongue from that gumball machine on top of your neck. But since TBSports is willing to accept guest rants, here goes…

One of the biggest sources of bullshit we have in this world today is people who are simply too stupid to live. You see them every goddamn day; the guy so involved with his phone that he walks right into traffic, the dimwit who fills up his gas tank with a Marlboro hanging out of his face, or the mental giant who crawls over the safety fence at the zoo to get a “selfie” with that “super-cuddly polar bear.”

Some people call this “social darwinism;” I prefer the term “nature weeding out the stupid.” I am also of the considered opinion we need far more of this in this country. We spend so much money trying to protect stupid people from themselves, and it is an exercise in abject futility, if for no other reason that these people will always find ways to kill themselves.

Here’s a perfect case in point.

“(Newser) – Almost exactly a year after losing her 5-month-old baby in a freak airport conveyer belt accident, mother Nathania Terry is suing the luggage handling system supplier for wrongful death, negligence, design defects, and failure to warn. According to her complaint, which she filed in federal court last week, Terry placed her daughter in her car seat on a stationary conveyor belt so she could retrieve baby Vashti’s stroller.”

First of all, this is not a “freak accident.” Getting hit by a blimp or being blind-sided by a rabid walrus…now that’s “freak.” There’s actually a far more precise term for putting your baby on a conveyor belt. It’s called “inviting disaster.”

Think about it. Look at this picture and tell me that thing doesn’t look like it might move at any minute.

Not to mention, look at what is about a foot away from it…the FUCKING FLOOR! That’s right, the perfectly solid, non-movable, gets-shit-safely-set-on-it-all-the-time floor.

Just wait…it gets better.

“Without warning, the belt turned on with enough force to throw the baby into a crevice where two belts meet, crushing her to death, reports Courthouse News Service. “Ms. Terry frantically tried to rescue Vashti, but her efforts were unsuccessful,” the complaint reads.”

If you’ve ever flown anywhere, you know that the only thing slower in an airport than the line to get through security is the goddamn luggage belt. I’ve been in baggage claim areas where you could plant and harvest soybeans in the time it took to move my suitcase the 600 feet from the airplane.

So, there’s got to be more to this story, right?

“At the time, the baby’s American mother had just arrived in Alicante, Spain, where the Canadian father was waiting to take the family on a vacation in nearby Dénia. Terry was traveling with baby Vashti and her older son, reports the Daily Mail.”

There we go…that’s the part I’m missing. Everybody knows Spanish airports are notorious for their lack of floors, and Luggage Belt Baby Crushing ranks only behind bullfighting and Tapás-style dining as spectator sports across the Iberian peninsula. I used to vacation in Gibraltar quite regularly, and I can tell you there are Spanish airports where the floor is made entirely of saffron-rich paella.

Even then, I’d rather set my baby on that fish-stew floor rather than anything that looks even less safe than the American luggage mover. That thing looks like a flying saucer fucked a stainless-steel armadillo, and the description of the Spanish version sounds like the wringer on one of those old-time washing machines.

Whatever it looks like, I’m still putting the baby’s car seat on the floor, if for no other reason that you could scoop up a lot of paella with one one those, and that shit is so awesome its still delicious even after its been walked on by thousands of unwashed European feet.

“She is claiming in her lawsuit against Netherlands-based Vanderlande Industries that there was no warning that the weight of an object could activate sensors and turn the belt on, and no way to stop the belt from moving. Spanish authorities said last year that safety standards were met and the baby died because of parental neglect.”

So, let me get this straight. This moron had no idea that a device intended to move things might in fact move? Let’s get to the bottom line here. I know I’m going to get some seriously low-wattage bulbs who will write me about making light of the death of a baby, but let’s be honest. This is about the end of a bloodline that was going to end in a stupid manner at some point. Any kid born to a mother that puts him on a conveyor probably already lived through plenty of negligence, and even if he survived this, you know there are more brushes with death coming. Even if he survives to adulthood, he then just becomes likely to leave his own kid on the roof of the Family Truckster before he heads off to the car wash, or weenie-roasts the shit out of his whole family because he left a gas can next to the hot water heater.

In any event, this type of story proves we really need to stop protecting stupid people from themselves. We’ve wasted more money on that than the War on Drugs and Washington Redskins’ free-agent signings combined.