Stupid Lowell Criminal Coochie Commando Allegedly Steals Car, Get Pulled Over Driving It With Suspended License When She Can’t Figure Out The Headlights, Leaves FedEx ID, Bag Of Weed, Scale, and And Vagrant Crotchrot King’s Cell Phone Behind

Meet Meghan Coan, a junkbox with a lengthy criminal record hailing from the shittopia ghetto that is Lowell.



Meghan clearly likes the ladies, and boy is she a catch, so if you like to your clam shucked by a degenerate in a snapback and some knee-length jorts, check her out!


Her hobbies include taking other people’s small children to go shoplifting while shitfaced,

Lowell Sun:

“Meghan L. Coan, 20, pleaded innocent recently in Lowell District Court to child endangerment, disorderly conduct and two counts of shoplifting after police said she was so intoxicated on May 30 that while pushing her 2-year-old cousin in a stroller, she overturned the carriage in the A.J. Wright shopping plaza on Plain Street in Lowell. Two witnesses told police they feared the infant may have struck his head on the pavement.

Coan was in court last week for a pretrial conference. Her next court date is Sept. 9.

Her attorney, Glenn Randall, admitted this is one of the more unusual cases but said his client has professed her innocence.

According to court documents, at 6:47 p.m., two witnesses called police for a well-being check. They reported that a woman was walking erratically while pushing a baby in a stroller when she fell down and overturned the carriage.

“They were horrified at what they witnessed,” Lowell police Officer Jason Burd wrote in his report.

The witnesses told police they saw Coan stumbling into traffic with the stroller on Plain Street. They said Coan even began pushing the carriage on the ramp to the Lowell Connector, but then turned around and resumed pushing the carriage on Plain Street.

Police spotted Coan pushing the baby carriage on Plain Street a short distance from the plaza.

When officers confronted Coan, they reported smelling a strong odor of alcohol. They said she appeared unsteady on her feet, used the carriage for support, and had slurred speech.

Coan allegedly denied having anything to drink that day but said she was hung over. The police report indicated, however, that a plastic cup filled with beer was in the stroller’s cup holder.



…….After Coan was arrested, police searched the stroller and found merchandise with the tags still on them in a compartment in the stroller. They reported finding $62 worth of items from Target and $45 from AJ Wright.”

Violating restraining orders, slashing tires and getting handcuffed in the back of a police cruiser multiple times in one day,

Lowell Sun:

“Meghan Coan was arrested by Lowell police on a warrant on Wednesday about 11 a.m., booked, taken to court, and then released.

She was back in police custody less than nine hours later.

Coan, 23, of 162 Powell St., Unit 2, who has a history of arrests that include charges of shoplifting, violating a restraining order, and child endangerment, was first picked up on Wednesday about 11 a.m., on a warrant connected to a case in which she is charged with larceny from a building.

Coan was booked and taken to Lowell District Court, where she was released after appearing before a judge.

About nine hours later, at 8:18 p.m., police got a call from a retired officer, Dennis Sargentelli, reporting that someone was slashing tires on vehicles near Wilder and Parker streets.

Police said Sargentelli, who is 65, chased the suspect until officers arrived and arrested Coan.

She was charged with wanton destruction of property. She was still being held at the police station Wednesday night.

She was scheduled to be in Lowell District Court for the second day in a row today, this time for arraignment on the destruction of property charge.”


And, of course “recovery.”

Meghan also taking 3am joyrides in Lowell with no headlights and a suspended license….





…In a car she allegedly “borrowed” out of a parking lot from a complete stranger while he was sleeping and oblivious.


It literally blows my mind that she somehow got away with just a summons on this one. Way to go, Lowell police. When she refuses to answer any questions and just keeps repeating “I work at Fed Ex, I’m just getting off work,” it might be a good time to see if she knows the name of the owner of the vehicle she’s cruising around in unlicensed in the wee hours of the morning – just a thought. Crack police work, Ace detectives. They apparently didn’t even search the car, as when he picked it up from the tow yard, the owner discovered several items tucked in between his seats:

  1. Her FedEx ID car
  2. A bag of weed
  3. An unlocked cell phone full of text messages that look a lot like drug deals.


And even better, the phone also contained a contact from the owner’s work who was more than happy to give up his all of his information, including address,


Making it easy to identify the him as this gem of a human being:


Who has quite the prolific criminal history himself.



He seems nice.


But hey, they may be career criminals who ended up leaving their extremely damning personal belongings in the stolen car of a complete stranger, but at least they are considerate enough to leave a clear trail for the cops. Thanks to them, even the Lowell PD can now take it from here!

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18 Comment(s)
  • Shawn Houghton
    April 4, 2019 at 10:01 pm

    I’ve known Jay Ward since middle school. He’s always been a bag of shit. Nothing about this surprises me

  • Big Wick
    April 4, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    I hate piercings. Creeps me out thinking about the eyebrow one getting violently pulled, and the lip one getting infected. Her lawyer? Glenn Randall Guy? Figures! Why do people like this even exist?

  • Please Conjugate Low
    April 4, 2019 at 8:39 pm

    Low Lower Lowest Lowell Lawrence

  • Please Conjegate Low
    April 4, 2019 at 8:36 pm

    Low Lower Lowest Lowell Lawrence.

  • whatevuh
    April 4, 2019 at 8:15 pm

    never a good sniper around when you need one . . . .

  • Joel Schriberg
    April 4, 2019 at 7:42 pm

    Filthy slutpig

  • Clive McFartland
    April 4, 2019 at 6:19 pm

    I like Randall.

  • Kosh Naranek
    April 4, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    Can we please call in a orbital kinetic strike on Lawrence?

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    April 4, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    When you think of “Stench trench” she comes to mind. Good God! Is that a massive scar on her leg?. There ain’t enough bleach to clean that taint.

  • Joe Biden
    April 4, 2019 at 5:13 pm

    …”Her hobbies include taking other people’s small children” Mine too.

  • Big Bird
    April 4, 2019 at 5:09 pm

    Her clit is mightier than Snuffalupagus’s trunk.

    • Y
      April 4, 2019 at 9:23 pm

      Like a hanging walnut.

  • The angry taint
    April 4, 2019 at 4:56 pm

    her wizard sleeve must truly be magical because she is dating ben foster

    • Y
      April 4, 2019 at 9:21 pm

      Spot on (minus the meth):

  • Y
    April 4, 2019 at 4:22 pm

    WWI – Walking While Intoxicated

  • Randall Guy
    April 4, 2019 at 4:14 pm

    Her cock is bigger than mine.

    • Michelle Obama
      April 4, 2019 at 4:23 pm

      It’s not as big as mine though.

    • Randall Guy's Dad
      April 4, 2019 at 5:07 pm

      That ain’t too hard to beat. Now git!

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