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Remember when Old Balls was bragging about how he was Worcester’s #1 blogger? That was awesome. I think we can all agree that watching a delusional old man become more senile with every column he publishes on Telegram.com, is nothing less than spectacular entertainment. But somehow today he found a way to sound even older with his hilarious take on Tom Brady an Deflategate. Let’s check out what he had to say about it…..

I’ve been called a traitor to my race on numerous occasions,

No you haven’t. That’s literally never once happened in your entire life, Mr. Old Balls. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you WANT IT TO, so you can live out your fantasy of being Matthew McCounaghey in A Time To Kill. But it’s 2015 in Massachusetts. No one gives a shit if you married a black woman except for you. You can’t seem to stop talking about it Old Balls.

and now I’m going to put myself in jeopardy of being tarred as a traitor to my home professional football team, the New England Patriots. I thought Tom Brady should have received at least a five-game suspension rather than the four he was given by the National Football League (NFL).

Of course you think Brady should’ve gotten a longer suspension. You saw an opportunity to be an asshole and you just couldn’t resist. It’s what you Mr. Old Balls.

In the spirit of full disclosure, my team growing up was the New York Giants, because the Patriots didn’t exist when I was a kid.

He’s just so old it’s magnificent. At this point I was just waiting for him to talk about how he used to spend his Saturday’s at the five-and-dime shops buying salt water taffy.

On Sunday afternoons my father and I would watch the Giants, who were led by quarterback Y.A. Tittle, running back Frank Gifford, and linebacker Sam Huff. Their arch-rivals were Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers and running backs Paul Hornung and Jim Taylor, and the Baltimore Colts and their great passer, Johnny Unitas.

Johnny Unitas? Frank Gifford? Paul Hornung? Holy shit. I think I figured out why he doesn’t like Brady – Old Balls is still mad that the NFL legalized the forward pass. If it was up to him every team would still have the four horsemen formation and the goalposts would be at the beginning of the end zones. This reads like every column Nick Manzello ever wrote ever. And I can’t get enough of it.

The Patriots came in with the American Football League (AFL), and they were pretty pathetic except for when they reached the Super Bowl in 1986 and were blown out by the Chicago Bears. I did root for the Patriots in their 1997 Super Bowl loss to the Green Bay Packers, and I was rooting for them to win their first Super Bowl in 2002, viewing that game all alone in my winter home in Ruth, Mississippi, population 500, a semi-dry county with no sports bars. On a 19-inch television I saw the Pats win the championship on an Adam Vinateri field goal.

He watched the 2002 Super Bowl alone on a 19 inch TV? I can acatually picture that happening. Joyce McNickles brought him down south for the winter so he wouldn’t be so cranky, plopped him in front of a black and white TV in the middle of nowhere and left him there so he wouldn’t embarrass her in front of her radical Mississippi hippie friends.

I kept rooting for them until they began to dominate the game, and then I started hoping they’d lose to whatever underdog team they played. It gave me great pleasure to see them lose the only two Super Bowls they’ve lost in this millennium to my old New York Giants team.

Old Balls hates winners.

Because I’m not a Patriots fanatic, I think I’ve got a better handle on this ‘deflate gate’ scandal, which is pretty ridiculous when you consider the amount of attention it’s getting compared to the multitude of issues we should be dealing with, not the least of which is the injustice in the justice system. It’s kind of laughable, because Pats fans are fuming at the injustice of their quarterback’s four-game suspension, but a Black man goes to jail for 15 years over a certain amount of crack cocaine while a white man with the same amount of powdered cocaine gets 6 months in jail or probation. I know, I know, everything with A Keen Observer is about race. What are you gonna do?

I know right? Why are we talking about sports when should still be arguing about institutional racism and the Nazi police forces roaming the country. Old Balls is gonna go nuts if we don’t have another race riot soon.

Be that as it may, let’s look at some of the lame excuses folks are using to rationalize Tom Brady’s cheating.The Patriots won that game 45-7, they say, so what’s the big deal? Obviously they would have won if the footballs were fully inflated. Boys and girls, the final score doesn’t absolve anyone from breaking the rules. If Richard Nixon had known the Democrats would put George McGovern up as their presidential candidate in 1972 (Nixon won 49 states) he wouldn’t have had to have his white thugs break into Watergate. He would have won anyway, even without the break-in, so we should have cut him some slack and not impeached him because of the final score.

Yea, except Richard Nixon was never impeached. Besides that he’s kind of got a point. Nixon’s got this terrible historical rap because of Goddamn Watergate. I used to hear about Watergate growing up and thought it was some huge thing where dead hookers got thrown into the Potomac River. Then I found out it was just a bunch of nobodies who broke into democratic headquarters and tried bugging the phones, and Tricky Dick trying to make it all go away.

That’s it??!! Where’s the dead hookers? What kind of ghetto ass political scandal doesn’t have dead hookers? Old Balls is right. Nixon didn’t need Watergate to meet McGovern. It was a stupid scandal that got overblown because everyone hated Nixon for being a winner. Same exact thing that’s happening with Brady and Deflategate. Lynyrd Skynyrd was right – “Watergate don’t bother me, does your conscience bother you? Now tell the truth (Old Balls).”

The bottom line is Nixon was a politician. If you’re not bugging your opponents’ phones then you’re not trying. Welcome to politics, bitch.

Another cause for whining is the comparison between Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice, who punched out his girlfriend in an elevator, an act that was captured on camera. Ray only got a two-game suspension until the public screamed bloody murder and then he was suspended for the season. Domestic abuse and violence against women are horrible and unacceptable, and the NFL, concerned with its image, is doing the right thing by suspending players guilty of these acts. But as bad as they are, they don’t affect the outcome of the game.

Yup. He went there folks. The Telegram and Gazette just published a blog that in no uncertain terms states that deflating footballs is WORSE than beating the shit out of a woman and dragging her unconscious body out of an elevator. As “bad” as domestic violence is, at least that stuff doesn’t “affect the outcome of the game.” Old Balls punched those words into his typewriter, mailed it certified mail into the Telegram and Gazette, and they made a conscious decision to publish it. But please, keep telling us how Turtleboy is the sexist blog.

Players get four-game suspensions for smoking marijuana. Pot on Saturday doesn’t affect the score on Sunday. Deflating a football so you can get a better grip on it makes a quarterback—like Tom Brady—less likely to fumble. Supposed he’d dropped the ball on the Patriots’ first possession and the Colts ran in it for a touchdown—isn’t it possible the outcome of the game could have been completely different?

Wait…….what??? Is Joyce not feeding Old Balls his meds? So let me see if I’ve got Carlo’s thoughts straight here. If Tom Brady hadn’t purposely deflated the footballs he might’ve fumbled on the first possession of the game, despite a Colts pass rush that was non-existent. Then the Colts would’ve picked up the ball, ran it in for a touchdown, and beat a team that outscored them 45-7. Please, someone get this man a televions show, stat!!.Turtleboy Jr. and I could sit on the couch and watch him rant all day.

If deflating the football didn’t make a difference, then here’s a profound question: why was it done in the first place? It’s all about the grip of the football. Patriots fans also need to get a grip on reality with regard to this issue. 

I’m not even going to try to bother explaining to Old Balls how the Wells report doesn’t even come close to proving that the Patriots purposely deflated footballs. I’m just gonna let him keep on ranting. The more he says that some missing PSI is worse than beating the shit out of women the bigger a joke the Telegram becomes.

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