The Welfarepcalypse Is Impending After Early SNAP Payments For February Have Been Announced, March Benefits “In Jeopardy”, Nationwide EBTs Machine Outages

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So I don’t know if you guys are aware or not, but the government is currently under partial shutdown. 800,000 federal employees are currently and rather abruptly out of work, but who really cares about that anyway? It was all essentially just political propaganda fodder and angry Facebook exchanges until it was announced that foodstamps may be affected. Then shit got real.



Like, Purge real. Bridgette over here was ready to go full on Viva la Revolution on the White House.

This is definitely the face of the resistance.

Terrifying. Get this woman her foodstamps, STAT!

Things really took a turn toward the End of Days yesterday, though, when today there was a nationwide outage of EBT machines.


It’s the welfarepcalypse y’all. Natasha called it.  This could be it, the closest thing you’ll ever see to a zombie apocalypse in your lifetime. Hundreds of thousands of pajama pants stumbling out onto the streets, leaving shopping carts of Hungry Man dinners and soda pop abandoned in barren grocery aisles, rioting. Buildings will burn, roadways will crumble. This is the End of the world as we know it, and because I buy my own damn food, I feel fine.


Don’t get me wrong, I do understand why people would leave full shopping carts abandoned and just leave – no one would be restocking the shelves if the credit card machine was suddenly announced to be down. They pay someone for that, and that’s good. But, here’s the thing. The “S” in “SNAP” stands for supplemental – meaning the assistance you get isn’t supposed to cover your entire food bill, just supplement it. There are ways to budget $640 a month for a family of four. But it’s not a particularly glamorous diet. I also understand Nearly three-quarters of adults who participate in SNAP in a typical month work either that month or within a year of that month of participation. But often in unstable jobs, and besides that, I find it equally irritating to have tax dollars subsidize large corporations (I’m looking at you, Wal-Mart), shitty wages and hours and lack of benefits as I do tax dollars supporting able bodied work-age people who just… don’t work. Social welfare is supposed to be temporary in nature, and the fact everyone is freaking the fuck out over this prospect is patently absurd. It’s even more absurd that the stripped down, un-sensationalist reality is that these so called “entitlements” are probably not in any real jeopardy anyway. Regardless, the mass panic of potentially not receiving benefits is insane, because why the hell are all these people depending on a handout, when by definition it’s not dependable? We live in a country built on industry, and self sufficiency is the legacy. We have to do better than this.

And get the hell out of here with the “people are going to starve” hysteria –  Sixty-nine percent of all Americans over the age of 20 are overweight or obese. I think we’ll be ok. I’ll give you an example of an ideally balanced, nutritionally sound meal – Rice and beans. Beans are a low-glycemic-index food that makes a person feel full, so they eat less of other things. Beans are also full of fiber, potassium, folate, iron, manganese and magnesium, and they are cholesterol- and fat-free. Brown rice is also a low-glycemic index food full of fiber, B vitamins, folic acid, Iron, Magnesium, Selenium, with only trace amounts of fat and sodium. A pound of brown rice currently costs only $0.89


And 20 lbs of dried beans can be purchased for just a little over $20.



Throw in some fruits and vegetables, which can be purchased frozen for as little as $1 for a ten ounce bag and pack as much nutrition as fresh, and look at you, sunshine. You’re surviving.

I know it may sound cold, but considering the starvation some parts of the world still truly endure

We’d love some rice and beans.

It’s just reality. Your parents weren’t chiding you about starving children in Africa because they expected you to ship over your uneaten peas and carrots, they were trying to teach you gratitude. God forbid you don’t get your government funded Mountain Dew and Cheese Whizz next month, though.

And unlike the emaciated children pictured above, we have a choice here – the job market. If you don’t get your foodstamps in March, or hell, even if you do, you can go out and get a job. A second job, even, if you have to. Although I doubt that’s what this hysteria will do. We can all just panic, threatened revolt from the safety of behind a keyboard connected to the internet, and then sigh a collective breathe of complicit relief when the Welfarepaclypse 2019 is averted.


The real question here, is, though, with all these early payments going out, who’s got foodstamps for sale here?



26 Comment(s)
  • Sally sue
    January 21, 2019 at 8:33 am

    Here’s a thought maybe if the men in this country supported their children and paid their child support so many women wouldn’t need SNAP. Granted there will always be lazy dirtballs but a lot of SNAP recipients are single moms struggling because baby daddy, hubby ect. walked away. Maybe men should act like men and feed their damn kids! Oh that’s right we women take the responsibility and blame meanwhile some men are walking away making 10 babies with 10 different women. Make sure the blame goes all around not just on the women.

  • HytHyt
    January 20, 2019 at 12:06 pm

    A family of four on $640 a month!?? That’s outrageous! I’d love that much money for food! Try a family of 5 on $300 for food a month, and they don’t qualify for food stamps. That’s $75 a week. It’s actually really doable. We aren’t living on ramen noodles either. Just minimize consumption of processed foods and learn from the internet how to best use what you can afford. Even if you are too busy to make stock from a whole raw chicken, you can buy a $5 grocery rotisserie and make stock from it. Yogurt is more expensive than milk, but it’s actually very, very simple to just make more yogurt (right in the same container as the first store bought container of plain)from 4 cups of milk and a few tablespoons of plain yogurt. You can do that over and over without buying more, as long as you keep saving a little bit of starter from the previous batch. Look up the instructions online, it’s stupidly easy. Eat a lot of eggs or beans. Make a lot of your own sauces and condiments (you can make ranch dressing from that cheap homemade plain yogurt!). Maybe once in a while though, the adults can still throw some frozen veggies and meatballs into ramen if really in a hurry and are going to eat processed. It tastes really good. Live within your income level and find ways to increase it if you truly can’t afford to take care of your family. If you can’t afford food, cut cable and get Roku and Netflix. If your phone plan is too expensive, get a cheaper one. Use the envelope system and budget before the month begins. Stop luxury spending. Nobody is entitled to anything, and you are responsible for making what you have work. I bet most of these people complaining have their thermostats set to 80 and won’t wear a sweater, have cable tv, brand name clothes, a new I Phone (mine is I Phone 5, and my husband has a small no contract no-name phone that can only make calls or text…no going online!) cable tv, smoke cigarettes, drink, get their nails done, and go through the drive through at least once a week. They also probably don’t know what a budget is and are surprised when they “unexpectedly” run out of money when there is a week left until they get paid. They have way, way less money than we do…yet they enjoy all these luxuries. Meanwhile, my husband and I are climbing out of debt rapidly so that later we can spend our money on things that are more fun than loan and credit card bills.

    • Danielle Capstick
      January 29, 2019 at 10:02 pm

      You write all this all though the people on SNAP are reading your recommendations. How
      Does it feel to have wasted so much budgeting talk?

  • Reactionary
    January 18, 2019 at 12:46 am

    EBT, DTA, Section 8 etc are gonna run out for good sooner than later. They can’t keep the open borders welfare state going forever.

    Hate to say it, but the best thing able bodied people can do is prepare for it.

  • Frank Rizzo
    January 17, 2019 at 10:54 pm

    i don’t even read any of the text or comments, i stay, above the fray. Frank Rizzo! By the way, where the fuck is Finn? Maybe he’s gettin’ fucked!

    January 17, 2019 at 6:47 pm

    I told you all about a month ago this was going to happen! I love it, I love our president & the fine work he is doing. Hahahahahaaaa I hope they all kill each other over tiny juices and humpty dumpty chips. I hope they all burn down their ghettos, riot and kill one another. While they do that and deal with the consequences of martial law. I’ll be watching it on the news while eating like a king!

    Dont like it? Tough shit, get a fucking job you leaches & you too can eat.

    I love how they try to justify shit food as feeding their children. When ever I’m in the supermarket and see some chick with 9 kids her 7 babies daddy’s and three shopping carts full of soda, t.v. dinners, coloured sugar water & fruit snacks. I know that pig is on every list for government assistance there is.

    Maybe next month I’ll be able to practice target shooting with live targets.. o I pray for the day!

    • Danielle Capstick
      January 29, 2019 at 9:58 pm

      You’re so brilliant! I wish I was so enlightened!!

  • Shoveling Against the Tide
    January 17, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    My disabled relative applied for SNAP. He has no expenses because we pay for all his shit,so he was denied. How do I get SNAP for the hundreds of dollars of food we not only buy buy cook for him each year? My SNAP benefits are negative from looking at my paystub every two weeks. Oh wait I HAVEN”T BEEN PAID IN TWO WEEKS !!! OH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Let me up, I've had enough
    January 17, 2019 at 2:24 pm

    Bristol TG – I’m pretty sure I pissed myself when I saw the caption under the picture of the emaciated children… “We’d love some rice and beans”

  • Maggie the Cat
    January 17, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    They shouldn’t be blaming Trump. They should be blaming Pelosi & Company, but they probably don’t know who Nancy Pelosi is. (Hint: She’s the ugly old one.)

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    January 17, 2019 at 1:46 pm

    That food stamp meme is fucking hilarious!!

  • z
    January 17, 2019 at 1:27 pm

    A couple of days ago the financial institutions my employer services (with maybe 900-1000 total locations) basically in the same area as the EBT photo all went down for a period of time in the morning. No ATMs, no working PCs for the tellers.

    Back in the 80s I caused that to happen on purpose once to prove at point when told it that it couldn’t be done. I had caused outages multiple times unknowingly until I determined “Hey, when that happened I was running this program with these options”. Just saying, it doesn’t take much to make stuff like this to happen.

    My Comcast internet and TV also went down in that time frame. Didn’t make the news and pretty sure it wasn’t us that caused it.

    But,let’s go with it’s a big government conspiracy.

  • mike
    January 17, 2019 at 1:00 pm

    I wonder how many Food stamp dependent people are supporters of Trump.

    Probably none, so why would he worry? LOL

    Oh no, he’s going to lose the beggar vote!

  • z
    January 17, 2019 at 12:53 pm

    I guess if there’s going to be food stamp riots that I should forego Aldi, PriceRite + Walmart for the duration. Thankfully I don’t drink Cafe Bustelo or Goya beans or I’d have to enter the maelstrom.
    I actually do shop at those 3 sometimes and do like them. But with food stamp riots coming they will be hit hard.

    I predict there will be a soda shortage at the bodegas. If you ever go into the W. Springfield PriceRite you can see people buying shopping carts full of soda. Which they resell in the Springfield bodegas.

    I hate Big Y with a passion, but not too many pajama wearers there. It will cost a bit more but my safety is worth it. Stop + Shop might also be a safe alternative.

    Be safe folks!!!

  • You'll thank me later
    January 17, 2019 at 12:50 pm

    I hereby proclaim March the official
    Go on a diet Month.

  • Sausagewallet
    January 17, 2019 at 12:24 pm

    Thanks for the heads up. I’m sure the supermarkets will be reasonable this weekend with the snap advance and first snowpocalypse of the season impending.
    What could go wrong?

  • Tom Blackburn
    January 17, 2019 at 11:57 am

    Saw somewhere that if food stamps aren’t issued, the initial estimate is 20,000 dead blacks.

    Sounds great, where do I sign up?

    • Kevins 9 Iron
      January 17, 2019 at 1:09 pm

      Your post is an example of the douchbags that Portnoy was talking about. In most cases as TB pointed out you guys are moron leftie’s that think that your fooling everyone.

      • Danielle Capstick
        January 29, 2019 at 9:54 pm


  • Jewoven
    January 17, 2019 at 11:29 am

    What about Israel they have a much,much, bigger welfare check from the U.S. I doubt they’d miss a penny greedy terrorists. This won’t happen remember Germany 1937-1945. The kikes do,lol.

    • Congressional Progressive Caucus
      January 17, 2019 at 12:16 pm

      You are so right. Chosen people, my fat ass.

    • Turtle Rider
      January 17, 2019 at 12:29 pm

      Careful! Posts like this trigger some of the libtard snowflake fags here!

  • Cloward–Piven Strategy
    January 17, 2019 at 11:28 am

    Smart people already know about me. People who want to be smart would google me right about now.

    • January 17, 2019 at 11:33 am

      Hasn’t gone anywhere since 1966. Next!

  • Osiris
    January 17, 2019 at 11:06 am

    $640 for a family of four???? That’s $21 per day, $147 per week…and people bitch about that?
    I have a family of four, I do the shopping, and I shop at Big Y, which isn’t exactly cheap.
    I have NO PROBLEM buying a week’s worth of food for under $150. Wanna know why?
    I buy bulk meat, buy frozen veggies, buy fresh fruits, and focus on sale items. Cook big meals, eat leftovers. No frozen meals, no soda, no junk food.

    These fucking hoodboogers that bitch about $150 a week for food for a family of four should be shot.

  • Sick of these Ratchet Fucks
    January 17, 2019 at 10:51 am

    Here come we Go fund scams! Here’s a tip for the street rats that are unclear… You don’t wanna starve? Go get a Fuckin job! Jesus H Christ these slugs are drains on society

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