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The Kansas City Chiefs should have beaten the New England Patriots yesterday in Foxboro. And they likely would have, but unfortunately they had the game stolen from them by the dirtiest bunch of cheaters the NFL has ever seen. Again. Here are the Top 13 Ways The Patriots Cheated To Beat The Chiefs.

13. Travis Kelce made Tom Brady murder people

Brady hasn’t been himself lately, probably because no one was intentionally poking the bear after the Pats started 10-0. Well, that all changed before the game when Travis Kelce did this to TB12:

Well, now you’ve done it. Now you’ve pissed off Brady, and he had no choice but to rape and pillage your defense. But when you think about it, it was really Brady that started the whole thing by getting fired up right in front of the Chiefs. He provoked Travis Kelce and MADE Kelce MAKE him murder the Chiefs. #MurderGate

12. Illegal use of decoy by Gronk

The Patriots already have a distinctly unfair advantage because they employ a superhuman transformer known as Gronk. It’s bad enough that teams have to game plan around him, triple team him, and they can only tackle him by going at his knees. But now the Patriots are purposely using him as a decoy, having him pretend that a pass is going to him, when in fact it is going to some no name like Keshawn Martin. #DecoyGate

11. Brady sneaking around the rules

You would think Brady would’ve learned his lesson from Deflategate when he had the ball boys SNEAKING around, letting air pressure out of balls, which gave him super powers to throw touchdowns. But you’d be wrong. Football is played in the trenches, and when you’re at the goal line, you should give it to a running back who earns his way across the goal line. At least that’s what you would do if you were honorable. But this is the Patriots we are talking about, and Brady of course had to “SNEAK” it into the end zone like a little bitch. He’s literally never done that once in his career before so the Chiefs had no way to prepare for it. Very SNEAKY. #SneakGate

10. Gronk illegal use of shake n’ bake

Gronk is a power guy. He’s supposed to run through you and get balls that you can’t get. Like we pointed out already, he comes with unfair advantages. Now he’s added the illegal shake n’ bake to his repertoire which makes him an unstoppable, but also illegal, force of nature. #ShakeNBakeGate

9. Ninkovich is on steroids

What happened on that play is not something a normal human being could ever do. Rob Ninkovich literally took a 6’5″ behemoth and plowed him into the quarterback using only one hand. I mean, that guy had to have at least 50-60 pounds on him. You don’t do that unless you’re on crazy amounts of juice. #NinkJuiceGate

8. Edelman illegal use of kamikaze

International rules of war have outlawed use of the kamikaze tactic. It’s ungentlemanly and undignified. But then again Julian Edelman is a savage with no code of ethics, so it’s not surprising to  watch him literally turn himself into a Goddamn human missile on this play. #KamikazeGate

7. Andy Reid purposely took points off the board

Everyone knows that Andy Reid always makes great decisions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to clock management. His coaching decisions against the Patriots in Super Bowl 39 were legendary. Yet in this game he decided to waste all his timeouts in the first quarter, leaving him with none on this critical drive at the end of the second quarter. So Alex Smith had to waste a down spiking the ball to stop the clock instead. As a result they had one less shot at the end zone and had to settle for 3 points instead of 7. Andy Reid is incapable of fucking up like that unless he was purposely throwing this game because Bob Kraft paid him off. #AndyReidGate

6. Gronk not a licensed Uber driver

You can’t just go around town picking up strays on your own and think you’re gonna get away with it. We need rules and regulations in the livery business. Well, unless you work for the Patriots. Then rules don’t apply to you. That’s why Gronk thinks he can just turn himself into an Uber driver and take random guys from Kansas City on rides, without becoming licensed first. #UberGronkGate

5. Illegal use of Chung Foo

Remember when Patrick Chung sucked? Now all of a sudden he’s shutting down one of the best tight ends in the game in Travis Kelce. Probably because he’s using illegal Chung Foo. I mean just look at that play. It was a perfectly designed play to Kelce and he had not one, but TWO blockers in front of him. Then all of a sudden this psychopath wearing number 23 blows the play up and sets up an easy Malcolm Butler tackle for a two yard loss. Chung foolery at its finest. #ChungFooFighting

4. Amendola’s neighbors made him kill people

Amendola made the conscious decision not to field this punt, which is fine, because returners do that all the time. However, it is tradition in this league to get as far away from the play as possible when a returner elects not to catch the ball. Not Amendildo though. Ya see, poor Danny has been getting shit from his neighbors for the last week because he built a carport at his home in a Providence “historic district.” After the news put his address on blast some of Woonsocket’s finest whores started showing up at his house at all hours of the night. This obviously made him wanna kill people, and instead of just getting out of the way on that punt, he used his brain and facialized the moron who didn’t realize that he was fair game to be destroyed. Obviously Belichick MADE Amendildo’s neighbors upset him and turned him into a killing machine. #CarportGate

3. Clydesdale Brady

Brady might be the greatest throwing quarterback of all time, so he’s not allowed to be a runner. Imagine if Brady could run? There would be no stopping him. Completely unfair. Yet her he was in the first half turning himself into a prize winning Clydesdale, scoring what was CLEARLY a touchdown. #ClydesdaleGate

2. Chandler Jones illegal use of K2

Have you ever played football before? Yea? Have you ever played football…….on synthetic WEED??? Well you probably should, because as Chandler Jones showed in this game, it gives you special powers. Unlike regular weed which makes you slower to react, K2 synthetic weed gives you heightened sensorial awareness, which enabled Chandler to stick his finger on this ball at the last split second, causing it come out, and giving the Patriots a huge momentum turning fumble recovery. #K2Gate

1. Brady Illegal use of binkies 

The Patriots have lost 4 out of 6 games because Brady hasn’t had his binkies. Thus he’s been exposed for being the fraudulent, mediocre quarterback that he is. He’s not so great when he’s throwing to guys like Keshown Martin and Brandon LaFell. Then all of a sudden Gronk and Edelman come back and Brady looks for them time and time again on third down. I mean, Edelman had ten catches and probably a million targets, because Brady is literally obsessed with his favorite binky. Every year the NFL changes the rules in order to stop the Patriots. You can bet that this is the year that binkies will finally be outlawed. #BinkyGate

What an awesome win that was. Going into this game all I heard about from whiners around here like Felger and Mazz, is how much trouble we were in because our offensive line sucks. Supposedly this KC front seven was gonna eat them for lunch. Instead Brady had all the time in the world, was sacked ZERO times, and wasn’t really pressured at all. Because sometimes offensive lines have good games, and sometimes they have bad games. And yesterday they had a good game. There’s nothing wrong with our O-Line, and there never was.

It just goes once again to show that the Patriots  OBVIOUSLY lost those games towards the end of the season because they realized the outcomes didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was getting healthy. It’s why they gave the ball to Steven Jackson a thousand times and had chumps like Harper returning punts. Because when Gronk, Jamie Collins, Edelman, Amendildo, Stork, Vollmer, James White, Chung, and Hightower are all healthy, this team is unbeatable. Why risk injury to them when you can just pull some guy like Steven Jackson off the scrap heap and hope he’s good enough to get you the W? Even if you lose the game, it really doesn’t matter.

Once again I’d like to thank the big guy upstairs for blessing his chosen people with this amazing football team. I don’t know what we did to deserve this, but clearly God loves us more and always will. Who do we want next? Pittsburgh at home, or Denver on the road? That was a trick question. The answer is, it doesn’t matter. Getting back to the Super Bowl and shoving the Lombardi trophy directly up Roger Goodell’s ass is our destiny, and whoever has the misfortune of getting in our way next week is collateral damage.

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