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Did you wait in line for hours outside of a store so you could be first in line for some Black Friday deal? If so you are clearly a moron. For starters Monday is Cyber Monday, and the deals are just as good. Secondly, is your time not worth anything? Wait, don’t answer that one. Already know the answer. Thirdly, how far would you go to protect that 30% off television that you’ll be spending your government checks on? Would you jump into a display of Tang? Would you punch someone? Would you kill a man?? I’m just wondering because every year the Black Friday insanity keeps making me believe that ultimately there is no hope for humanity. It’s kind of like The Walking Dead. We’d all like to believe that in a crisis we will bond together and help each other out in order to survive. But in reality the savages amongst us would try to kill us all in order to save themselves.
We were gonna go down to the Wrentham Outlets to document some of the madness ourselves, but why waste all that time and go so crazy when you can just watch it all unfold online? Here are the Top 5 Black Friday Debauchery Videos For 2015. Just remember while watching this that the whole purpose of this is to buy things in order to celebrate the birth of the most peaceful, loving, compassionate man who has ever existed.
5. Unknown Walmart.
In this video a Walmart employee gets in on the action, getting into a good ol’ fashioned Mexican cat fight with one of Walmart’s finest.
The best part is how the employee fixes her hair and goes right back to work:
Just another Black Friday in the books at the local Walmart!! If you have to work on Black Friday it’s pretty much assumed that at some point you’re gonna have your hair pulled by some cow who doesn’t think you’re being friendly enough to her.
4. Coos Bay, Oregon Walmart.
For whatever reason in Coos Bay there seems to be some deal on cheese that’s just too good to pass up. This guy wanted to get to said cheese, but his path was blocked by a display of Jimmy Dean sausage and some OJ. What he did next will live in Black Friday lore:
Gotta love how this guy’s wearing camoflauge. Because nothing says white trash more than the guy wearing camouflage while swimming in Jimmy Dean sausage display at the local Walmart. The best part is that he looks like he’s navigating through a tough mudder to get to the greatly coveted cheese. Because you can only buy cheese on Black Friday.
But hey, all you suckers are paying full price for you cheese. Jokes on you!!
3. El Paso, Texas Walmart.
Apparently on this border town there were some sort of deal on gigantic flat screen TV’s. Luckily the crowd was smooth and orderly and they all waited their turn to grab the bounty. LOL. Just kidding. IT was bedlam and this guy was arrested after he punched a cop:
Here’s an idea. Let’s wait in line for hours at a time (because time ultimately our time is worth nothing), fight the GED express for a television we don’t need, get arrested and rack up $4,000 in court costs. But it will be totally worth it to save $100 on yet another TV you don’t need!! LOL. This video right here is why Trump Wall is the hottest thing going in America right now.
2. El Paso, Texas Walmart.
Yup, same exact place. Same exact TV’s they’re fighting over.
That’s a muff sandwich if I’ve ever seen one. The humanity!! Black Friday nudnik of the year goes to the guy who saw these two meat eaters fighting over a kill:
And saw a moment of opportunity:
Follow around two models of fitness like these two and wait until they drop baby zebra from their fangs while fighting for the carcass. Then nab it and run away. That’s the only way to shop on Black Friday.
1. Kentucky shopping mall all-out honky brawl.
Boom – right in the kisser!!
What’s funny is that these two savages are more than likely voting for Trump because he promises to keep all the Mexicans and the terrorists out!!
Have you noticed a theme with these savages yet? Yup, that’s right. They all film vertically. Only a savage still films vertically in 2015. Animals.
P.S. None of these people can even hold a candle to the Indiana savage child from a few months back, who defended his mother’s honor with a shampoo bottle over the head and a curb stomp to the face:
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