TurtleBoy Sports 2013 Festivus Airing of Grievances

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I really hate Christmas. Sorry if that makes me the grinch, but unless you have kids, or are a kid yourself, it’s just a giant pain in the rump. People always ask me what I want for Christmas starting right around Thanksgiving. I never know the answer. That’s because I’m a grown up, and when I want something I just go buy it. The whole premise of giving gifts on Christmas is that everyone needs something right now. This is complete BS. What should happen is that we all just give out vouchers for Christmas that are good for one calendar year. If at any point during that year you realize you really want something and don’t wanna go out and buy it, you call in your gift at that moment. “Hey Stan, I just realized that I need a new lawnmower because my other one shit the bed. I’d like that Christmas gift now.”

That’s how it should be done, but instead we all just agree to exchange crap back and forth. I buy you crap you don’t really need. You buy me crap. We exchange crap. Then we have no money for a couple weeks. That’s Christmas.

So when Frank Costanza invented Festivus back in the 90’s, I think he was onto something. Festivus is an awesome holiday not only because of the feats of strength, but because of the airing of grievances. It gives you the opportunity to look back on the year and list all of the people that have let you down in so many ways. It’s therapeutic to look back at the year and decide who has failed you the most. And this year there have been a bunch of people that have let down TurtleBoy, and now you’re gonna hear about them.

MLB, NFL, and NBA refs

I’m not sure if refs have ever had a worse year than they did this year. I know people like to complain about the refs when things don’t go their way, but this year it seemed like it was one epic disaster after another. I could list them all but it would take me until New Years. The ones that stand out the most though are –

1) The “obstruction” call on Will Middlebrooks in the World Series

2) The “no pushing” penalty in the Pats-Jets game

3) The no call on the Gronk molestation in the Pats-Panthers game

But there are many, many more in both college and professional sports. I know reffin’ ain’t easy, but these guys have been absolutely abysmal at their jobs and could all easily be replaced by a boat full of Irish immigrants.

Aaron Hernandez

Dude, do you even murder bro? Seriously, you are the worst murderer ever. First you got yourself caught up in the gangster lifestyle even though you lived in a mansion in North Attleboro. Then you killed Oden Lloyd, not in some back alley of Boston, but a quarter mile from your house. Oh yea, and you left a trail of bread crumbs to your front door and mountains of evidence in the form of bubbalicious. The worst part about your whole murdering scheme is that you got busted after the NFL draft and after Wes Welker ran to Denver. I could care less about you as a person, but the fact that Tom Brady no longer has you to throw to is simply unacceptable. Luckily for Hernandez he’s gonna be out of jail in four years tops. Write it down. It’s a simple 2 on 1 situation. Hernandez has the cash, he pays for one of his friends’ lawyers, they both point the finger at the other one, Hernandez gets a few years for being an accessory, and he’s out of jail before his fiancé is for getting rid of the murder weapon. Luckily for Hernandez the Oakland Raiders will still be in existence so he’ll have a job waiting for him too. But you really screwed us this year bros.

Manti Te’o

As a diehard Notre Dame fan, I was looking forward to Notre Dame proving all the critics wrong by defecating on Alabama in the National Championship game. Manti was the most dominant player in the country and I still believe he should’ve won the Heisman. Then in the biggest stage possible he was suck city dodge. Eddie Lacy threw him around like a Puritan woman who disagreed with her husband. Turns out his mind wasn’t in the game because he was coming to terms with the fact that he was having an online relationship with a fat, gay Samoan man who had pretended to be his dead girlfriend. Still can’t believe that actually happened. It was like a bad Lifetime movie. Easily the biggest hoax of all time. Then when Manti went on Katie Couric and they asked him if he was gay, instead of just saying, “No,” he said “FAR from it. Faaaaaarrrrrrrr from it.” Right Manti. Because having a relationship with a gay man for over a year is Faaaarrrrr from being gay.

I do feel bad for Manti, and I feel like he was victimized in all of this, but what the hell dude? You’re supposed to be this superman of a football player. You can have any babe you want. The last thing that should affect your play on the field is an online relationship with a fat, gay Samoan man. You let us all down man. Sure, we’ve all done the online thing before. I spent countless hours in 1999 on AOL sending strange girls from Shrewsbury messages to the effect of, “A/S/L? ne pics? You going to Palladium on Sunday?? Then you grow up though dude. When you’re a star football player you can meet actual women and they will like you because you’re good at football. No need to go online anymore brotha. Rookie move that cost us any shot at being competitive with a team that was much better than us.

Timon and Jafar

These two jagoffs ruined the most peaceful day of the year – Marathon Monday. As a member of the running community I can confirm that people in the running community are a lot of things – dorky, talkative, insane, etc. But we’re not really jocks. Just a bunch of people that want to live healthy and support good causes. We’re not meathead football players that go around picking on nerds. We are the nerds.

For whatever reason these two thought that runners needed to be punished for the ills of our society. The same society that gave these two refugees a safe country to live in, free public schooling, college scholarships, and a sweet wrestling leotards. Jafar has to live the rest of his miserable existence knowing that he is by far one of the most incompetent terrorists of all time. No exit plan? Run over your idiot brother? Hide in a boat? Worst part is for him that the whole purpose of terrorism is to scare people into not doing something. Next year when even more people run in the marathon he’s gonna realize that watching all of those youtube videos was a giant waste of time and the evil American empire continues to defecate all over his entire ideology. Should’ve sticked to being a stoner.

Gish Jen

Still waiting for this obviously brilliant and enlightened coffee shop-going intellectual from Cambridge to explain why she felt the need to write the following sentences in the Boston Sunday Globe on the day after the Boston Red Sox celebrated their World Series Championship:

“For Boston has, after all, always been as a city upon a hill, except. Except that the Sox were the last baseball team in the league to integrate. Except that Celtics legend Bill Russell had his house broken into and his bed defecated on. Except that we had all that trouble around busing. And what about our redlining of Jews? It’s hard not to recall these things and wonder: Did we fail the Tsarnaevs somehow? It’s not clear that we did. And yet for people who knew Dzhokhar especially, who had seen him at school, who had studied and partied and played sports with him, the lurking fear has been that we failed to truly open our hearts, that we accepted him, but only up to a point.”

Outside of Cambridge, in a little place we refer to as “reality”, everyone disagrees with you. Everyone. Not a single normal human being out there looked at your article and thought it was appropriate or even came close to a coherent and rational thought. The fact that she saw nothing wrong with what she did and attempted to play it off that only conservatives would be offended by such idiocy, further proves how out of touch she is. Did we fail the Tsarnaevs? Nope. Did we open our hearts to Jafar? Yup. Did we accept them fully? You betcha. And how did they repay us? By blowing up women and children. She may or may not be the reason that AFW sold the site to us at TurtleBoySports. Either way, she is the winner of the 2013 Festivus Airing of Grievances.

Honorable mentions

Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin for taking a locker room problem and turning it into bullygate 2013.