Nudniks

West Bridgewater Happiness Consultant Calls Cops On Neighbors For Playing Music At Their Wedding At 8 PM On A Weekend, Airs Grievances On Community Facebook Page

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All hell broke loose in West Bridgewater this weekend when some savages had the audacity to play music after 8 PM on a Sunday before Columbus Day:

Come on guys, Dwina is trying to watch Matlock!! How can poor Dwina ever find out who the REAL killer is if she can’t hear Matlock do Matlock things? What kind of animals are you?

Well it turns out that she called the cops and they responded to the house in question, where they discovered a wedding with music being played at a reasonable level. Dwina disagreed:

Her ear drums are now permanently ruptured, and she will have to get a hearing aid for her existing hearing aid.

She also kept insisting that people four miles away could hear the music too, therefore she wasn’t being unreasonable. Because evidently they were doing nuclear bomb testing at this wedding too.

Or maybe, just maybe, the sounds that people were hearing from 4 miles away were from a completely different and unrelated social gathering. Because those people said they heard the music all day, and this particular wedding didn’t start with the music until 6:

Loren and Wally were talking about it 105.7 this morning, and they played a clip of the music so you can get a feel for the volume yourself (starts around the 4:30 mark):

Not acoustic guitar music!! The humanity!! There were probably people in their mid 40’s dancing too!! Obviously this will lead to copious amounts of thrusting and/or butt sex and the next thing you know West Bridgewater becomes Brockton.

As you may have noticed Dwina’s profile does not have a picture, and she appears to no longer have a Facebook account (unless she pre-emptively blocked the 25 Turtleboy accounts which would be pretty impressive on her part). She did have some pictures of cats though:

Shocking, I know.

Evidently they were allowed to get away with this lawlessness because they’re well connected townies:

They could probably walk down Main Street and shoot someone in the head and get away with it too.

Then the groom showed up:

Looks like poor Dwina’s invitation got lost in the mail. Can’t figure out why. She sounds like such fun to be around at parties.

This is the bride and groom:

I don’t even need to meet these people and I can already tell they’re fun. Over 40 weddings are the best weddings because they don’t care what anyone thinks. They don’t have a DJ because DJs are for millenials. They have a live band that plays Guster, Dispatch, Tom Petty, Bon Jovi, Journey and Run Around Sue, and the dance floor is never empty. Any music that gets white people singing and doesn’t require being up to date with the latest dance moves.

My intuition was right:

“So glad you’re proud to be jerks.”

Translation – how dare you enjoy life instead of being a miserable hag who lives to vote against prop 2.5 overrides.

Finally someone had to step up the plate and do the right thing to end this madness:

Start a Change.org petition to ban fun in West Bridgewater.

Anyway Dwina, if you’d like to come on the Turtleboy Live show this Saturday night I’m sure Uncle Turtleboy and Bret would love to have you on so you can let people know your side of the story. Trigger warning – show starts past 9 and can get a little bit loud when they do the all caps voice. Let us know if you’re interested.

9 Comment(s)
  • Angry chef
    October 10, 2018 at 2:36 pm

    Had my wedding in my backyard and the whole neighborhood came out to have some fun. Pig roast, loud music and my wife water skiing in her dress. Even the whiny neighbors had fun. This was 9 years ago and most of my friends and neighbors are in their 50s/60s now and damn can they party. I’m 33.

  • Rodney Fieldanger
    October 10, 2018 at 4:59 am

    Sounds like Dwina’s vibrator ran out of batteries, again. Congratulations to the married couple. Marriage is great, everyone should try it at least once.

  • Dwina? Seriously??
    October 9, 2018 at 9:29 pm

    What the fuck is a Dwina ???
    Is it something between a Dawn and a Tina?
    Jesus !
    Her parents must have been a couple of beauts to hang that monniker on a kid !
    No wonder why she’s such a miserable, dried up old harridan !

    • Merriam Webster
      October 10, 2018 at 4:46 am

      ^^^^^^+1000 for using the word harridan, outstanding

  • Silly McDillypants
    October 9, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    The groom (and bride) gets a pass from me…
    If you search the Google for him, you’ll see the tragedy he has had to endure.
    I am glad he has found someone a measure of happiness.

    BTW, I live 3 miles away (less as the crow flies) and didn’t hear a thing!

    • Silly McDillypants
      October 9, 2018 at 3:14 pm

      “some measure of happiness”

      I need to proofread…

  • hank
    October 9, 2018 at 12:07 pm

    When I read what she writes, it sounds like her pubes go up to her belly button.

  • Ted Baxter
    October 9, 2018 at 11:50 am

    What a bitch. Everytime I drove by her house I would blow the horn.

  • Judge dread
    October 9, 2018 at 11:04 am

    Hey dwina,

    You know what’s deafening? Standing next to a idle jet engine on a tarmac.

    You know what sound you can hear 4 miles away? A train horn.

    Shut your mouth and get off the Internet you stupid attention seeking whore. I hope your neighbors put super glue in your door locks.

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