Turtleboy Investigates

Are Worcester’s Roads Ready For School Thursday? Turtleboy Tour Of Worcester Investigates

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So the Worcester Public Schools announced this afternoon that they were cancelling school for the third day in a row. You know by now what this means – people are gonna say dumb shit on the Internet. Like this guy:


Let me get this straight. We knew this storm was coming, therefore we shouldn’t cancel school when mother nature takes a steamy, record-setting 34 inch white dump all over us? Perhaps the City of Worcester should’ve planned ahead and built a gigantic forcefield to protect us from the snow. Because apparently this guy enjoys sitting behind school buses on his way to work. Anyway, I wanted to see for myself if it was worth cancelling school since I’ve literally been bunkered in with Mrs. Turtleboy for 48 hours straight. I don’t care how much you love someone, that’s just not healthy for anyone. Time for another Worcester slum sociable – snow style!!

I started off by driving down Main Street towards Webster Square. Of course the first thing I came across was some genius who really, really wanted Burger King:


This went on for a good ten minutes or so until they realized that God didn’t want them to eat Burger King today and they gave up and went to Arby’s instead.

From there I headed over to Florence Street to see if the Clark hippies were protesting today. This is what I encountered:



This is right around the block from Woodland Street School, so yea, it looks like we’re definitely ready for school tomorrow. Definitely. A lot of the hundreds of students who go to Woodland Street walk up side streets like Oberlin:


If those streets aren’t ready for school buses barreling down them then I don’t know what is.

Next I was driving down Chandler Street. The FUN part of Chandler Street where people just kind of walk wherever the hell they feel like walking. Right across the street from Chandler Elementary School this was happening:


I have no idea how that person got in that position but imagine how fun it would’ve been if school was getting out right around this time. That whole area is a gigantic clusterfuck in July. But yea, let’s toss 400 children and a whole bunch of school buses into the mix. I’m sure that would go over well. And we all know that everyone in lower Chandler Street shovels too. So this looks like a really, really safe way for kids to walk to school:


I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong there.

After that I wanted to venture into Busgate neighbhoorhood. We know that place can always be entertaining. Here’s what Vernon Street looks like:


Fuck it, let’s have school. Back in my day we walked to Union Hill Elementary during the middle of Hurricane Bob. Sure those snowbanks are taller than 90% of elementary school aged kids and there’s no sidewalk for them to walk on. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have school!!!

So this area is probably the most crowded in the city, which means it was basically a free for all when it came to the snow. I had an SUV out there and I literally got stuck and had to borrow a shovel from a nice guy on Ward Street. Ward Street was easily one of the biggest adventures on my trip today:


Oh yea, and I don’t know how people can live in Massachusetts and not have four wheel drive. Can’t tell you how many times I saw shit like this today:


Why? Why would you do that to yourself? You know it’s gonna snow EVERY WINTER!! It happens EVERY SINGLE YEAR!! If you own a car like this, why even go out? It’s not like you’re only putting yourself through your urban adventure. We all have to wait for your ass to get out of the stupid jam you just put yourself in. I saw a lot of streets today where the people are basically fucked until the spring. Lots of them were in the Vernon Hill neighborhood. I have no idea what street this is, but it was one of my favorites:


Let’s just turn one street into two streets by building a wall of snow in the middle of it. Because, New England.

Basically every street in Vernon Hill has two layers on it. Like Maxwell Street:


First you have the initial layer of plow residue piled up against Billy Madison’s car there. Then you have all the rest of the fun crap that falls off of it and literally creates another 8-10 inches of snow that you don’t initially see but always end up getting stuck in. It got to the point sometimes where you don’t even notice there is a car buried under all that snow until the last minute:


Sucks to be that guy.

The city does a good job with the busy roads, but there’s always some truck that decided today would be a good day to drop off a bunch of crap at Jimmy’s Deli and Subs:


This always ends up fun. You’re basically playing a game of chicken when you finally have to make the move to go around this guy and hope the person coming from the other direction isn’t barreling down at you while sending out a really important Snapchat. I’m sure this will be a lot less chaotic with 20 school buses heading to Vernon Hill School and Quinsigamond Elementary.

I don’t know where Vernon Hill ends and Grafton Hill begins, but I think it’s somewhere around Harrison Street. Buses use this street all the time and kids who go to Grafton Street School, Worcester East Middle School, and Union Hill would probably use this to get their learn on:


Yea that definitely looks ready for school buses and small children!! Grafton Hill looks like it just got hit smacked in the face by God himself. Someone told me I should check out Mendon Street. So I did:


So did everyone on Mendon Street just forget to pay their taxes or something? It looks like the roads in Belgium after the Battle of the Bulge. They might not have plowed roads over there, but at least they have plenty of satellite dishes. Priorities people. Priorities. If I lived in this neighborhood I would’ve gotten lost every day. Everything looks exactly the same. I guess the only way to mark your territory is by picking a different kind of chair to defend your parking spot:


In the wild animals take a dump to let other animals know that they’re not welcome there. In Grafton Hill you just put half your kitchen table set in front of your house until your uncle comes home from YD Liquors with the unregistered 98 Dodge Caravan. I know that these things are kind of controversial:


But I’m all for it. Shoveling that crap is hard. The last thing you want is some vulture to bear the fruit of your hard work. To me these are more legitimate as any claim Christopher Columbus ever made.

Seriously though, every street in this area is a non-stop game of chicken:


What am I supposed to do here? I got nowhere to go. When this guy finally catches up to me he’s gonna have to veer to his right – directly into that pile of white shit. Yea, this is gonna go real well if we thousands of little Grafton Hill kids running around everywhere.

Another fun street I found over there is Acton Street. I assume most kids over here go to Rice Square. And I’m sure school buses will have no problem whatsoever maneuvering down Acton Street:


Oh good. Flammable. It’s especially fun when some guy in an ought one Pathfinder thinks it’s wise to drive directly over the four foot snow embankment to try to get into his driveway:


Another entertaining area is Belmont Hill. They’ve got Belmont Hill School and City View, two of the bigger elementary schools, within half a mile of each other. First you’ll have to navigate your way through locals who literally take the white shit from their parking spots and throw it directly back into the street:


And Shelby Street sure is fun this time of year:




What could possibly go wrong with a bunch of six year olds running up and down that street tomorrow?

And if you think Eastern Ave is lovely in the summer, wait until you see it in the winter. Hopefully you don’t run into this guy, who decided he was gonna park his car like this:


This was causing too many problems, so he decided to move it……to the middle of the street:



Oh yea, and Lincoln Street sidestreets like Paine Street are in tip-top shape too:


And I can’t wait to see what happens when a bus full of children gets stuck behind someone who thought it would be wise to live on a hill in Massachusetts without four wheel drive:


The biggest cluster I saw all day was on Chester Street. I’m assuming this is a Nelson Place neighborhood. You tell me, does this street look like it’s ready to go for tomorrow?


Of course the genius in the Elizabeth Warren-mobile decided that today would be a good day for a nice winter stroll. Notice that you can’t go around him because of course only half the street is plowed. Fuck it!!


The people that plow our roads do a great job, and this is in no way a shot at them. Like I said, the main roads are pretty solid. I can already see asphalt. But Worcester’s got a million side roads that buses and precious little children will need to use to get to school. If you think these roads are ready for thousands upon thousands of children to go to school on Thursday then I have a horse ranch down in Nantucket that I’d like to sell to you immediately.

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14 Comment(s)
  • Cheryl
    January 30, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    Thanks for the pictures! I had been feeling nostalgic for Worcester, but the storm has reminded me about winter in New England, so I’m better now. Hope everyone is safe and warm. 🙂

  • Harold
    January 30, 2015 at 11:28 am

    Hopefully the snow doesn’t melt. In all those pictures it helps cover up how much of a depressing dump Worcester is.

    • Finnish Goalie
      January 30, 2015 at 1:02 pm

      Shrewsbury Street is open for business, my friend. The invite is still there.

  • Brian
    January 30, 2015 at 11:09 am

    This article is wayyyyyy too long.

  • Bumper Stumper
    January 29, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    Just think that if you need Police, Fire, or EMS to respond to your house, how the hell are they going to get there with streets in these conditions? How about the fire hydrant that’s buried in the snow bank? More time is wasted trying to get to an incident to help people, but the residents make things worst by dumping more snow in the streets, parking illegally, not shoveling out the hydrants, being dumb-ass stupid! Get these “snow-day” kids out there with shovels instead of sledding up at Green Hill!!!

    • Finnish Goalie
      January 29, 2015 at 5:47 pm

      Pressed to service. God and State!!

  • Eric
    January 29, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Never ever live in Worcester

  • Maggie the Cat
    January 29, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    This Turtleboy Tour is one for the ages, an absolute classic!

  • vinnie
    January 29, 2015 at 11:46 am

    Short of the fact that Hurricane Bob happened while school was not in session, I would say youre pretty spot on with this one. I live off Venus Drive, near Chester street. This whole area was one giant clusterfuck.
    I also have a young kid. If this city had half a brain, they would enforce the sidewalk clearing so that kids could get to school without having to walk in the middle of the road.

  • Wabbitt
    January 29, 2015 at 12:13 am

    I’m just trying to figure out some of those unnamed streets. But it’s hard because they look like Tony Montana blew his nose everywhere.

  • Coach 341
    January 28, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    In your travels were Gibbs Robarge Orange Julius and the Nutty Professor out blocking traffic protesting the Lily White Snow

    • Jay
      January 29, 2015 at 6:30 am

      Hahaha! Of course not! Gibbs, Robarge, and Orange Julius are getting paid by the the taxpayers to stay home, whether it is a blizzard with heaping amounts of snow or sunny July day. And the Nutty Professor is a non-essential state worker, (not just during snow storms), and resting those buns for another day of wagging her finger at the people who fund her salary.

  • January 28, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    I am utterly shocked that you didn’t give us an update on the Stop And Shop parking lot on Grafton St.

    • January 29, 2015 at 12:37 am

      I came so close to stopping in. There is a massive pile of snow there.

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