Want to have your business advert seen by over 900,000 people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click here to buy your I Am Turtleboy bumper stickers and decals.

Get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution tank tops before they’re all gone. Click on the pic!!!

Mrs. Turtleboy loves to drag me to the most terrible places on earth – Disney World, Hampton Beach, the Big E, etc. But this weekend she wanted to drag me to a local place which was basically the Big E before it went on steroids – the Spencer Fair:

Does your preferred outfit on a 95 degree day include blue jeans, a cutoff t-shirt, work boots, and your favorite hunting hat? When you get your kids dressed in the morning, do you have to choose which camouflage colored outfit they’ll be wearing to school that day? Do you like the smell of cow shit lingering in the air as you aimlessly walk around a dirty sea of vendors? If so, then you’ll love the Spencer Fair. Not Turtelboy though, it was exactly the nightmare I knew it would be.

First of all, it’s 10 bucks to get in. For that you get to walk around and look at shit. Literally shit:

You can also look at some of the most miserable, depressed looking animals outside of the Big E, including a sad turtle clinging to a small piece of shade

a pair of depressed kangaroos wishing they were hopping around

bored mules

tired monkeys

lemurs that are forced into swings and can’t get out

alligators in tubs

RBG would definitely like the black panthers, who sit there all day wishing they could eat you

goats who are forced to smell other goat’s asses all day

pet skunks

and of course who needs to take the butcher’s word for it when you can get a great look at a T-Bone by looking up a cow’s ass?

After the excitement of staring at these animals has worn off, it’s time to move onto the vendor tent. Now at the Big E it’s pretty much impossible to leave without a mop. But it’ more low key at the Spencer Fair, so you’ll have to settle for some of Grandma’s finely knitted something or others

or a vacuum

or some spray for when you leave a megadump lingering on the throne

Then it’s off to the agricultural Spencer Fair award’s tent. Yup, you heard right. They give out awards for the best agriculture at the Spencer Fair.

Show me better eggs than this –

you can’t. The candle contest competition was really heating up this year too

and people are still buzzing about the controversy surrounding the award winners for Spencer Fair’s Best Honey:

There’s tons of other cool crap to look at, like the hall of tractors

carnival games where strange sweaty men will offer you deals on unwinnable, rigged games

then there’s the Willie Nelson tribute show, but you better get there early because seats go fast!!

You will probably work up an appetite walking around looking at all the exciting things, so it’s best to carbo-load with some beef jerkey

And if that’s not your thing, then just stuff your face with some fried dough. Because at a fair, there can never be enough fried dough stands:

Opening up a fried dough stand at the Spencer Fair just doesn’t seem like the smartest business move to me. It’s like opening up another greasy pizza joint in Worcester. Because apparently the people of Worcester can’t get enough greasy pizza. The problem is the market becomes over-saturated. So what do you do with your deep frier then? Simple, fry whatever you’ve got lying around. Like Oreos.

After that you’ll catch your second wind in time for the big poultry show

And it wouldn’t be a fair if there weren’t some big ass pumpkins for you to stare at

Be careful though, all that walking around is likely to give you heat stroke

And I’m pretty sure the Spencer Fair is the only place in America that has attendants for the port-o-johns.

“Tips appreciated.” In Buffalo that would be an invitation to give a Patriots fan a feces shower.

Not to go off on a tangent here, but can I just say how much I hate the concept of a bathroom attendant. It’s the most awkward encounter in the world. You always see these guys at bars when you’re wasted. All you wanna do is go in there and relieve yourself as quickly as possible and there’s this guy there trying to put soap in your hand. And of course you feel like an idiot if you don’t tip him, and an even bigger idiot if you had no intention of washing your hands. Because you can’t help but feel bad for the poor guy who got stuck with the bathroom attendant gig. The problem is you’ll be back 20 minutes later because you’re drinking long island iced teas like there’s no tomorrow, so do you have to tip every time? And do these attendants exist in women’s bathrooms too? Am I alone in this world for hating when bars put you in these awkward situations?

Anyway, allow me to get back to the Spencer Fair. For whatever reason everyone in Spencer thinks they’re the descendent of a confederate general. You’ll never see so many people flying the flag of an imaginary country of traitors, which existed only in the minds of delusional Georgians, as you will in Spencer. Pretty much every vendor selling clothing has their own confederate flag fashion line:

Seriously, the obsession with this flag in Spencer is like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s everywhere. I’m convinced not a single one of them understands that it symbolizes a part of America that thought it was another country, and ended up starting the deadliest war in American history only to surrender like cowards cuz Uncle Sam shoved his boot up their ass and reminded them who their Daddy was. When these people look at a map one day and find out they’re living in the north this whole time, they’re gonna hate themselves for being Yankees.

And of course there are the Spencer Fair burnouts. Generally the Spencer Fair crowd is impressed by anything that makes a lot of noise for the sole purpose of making lots of noise.

Because there is nothing more Spencer than cheering on some 1998 David Prouty grad in a Van Halen t-shirt as he spins his tires aimlessly until you’re covered in toxic smoke. Then you cheer because they did a good job.

This picture right here is the most Spencer thing I’ve ever seen:

Spencer Fair uniform like you read about. Naturally the burnouts are done in a place that is incredibly fitting for the Spencer Fair – directly next to the graveyard:

Finally when we had seen all the Spencer Fair had to offer we got to head back home. Naturally we immediately got stuck behind some guy driving down route 31 on a tractor.

When you get to the the center of town there are people walking about in their finest Spencer-ware.

And of course if you’ve got a problem with anything we wrote in this blog, you know where to meet Turtleboy:

Take a number though, because there’s a line.

The bottom line is that Mrs. Turtleboy left this place saying, “I don’t know why I always think these things are gonna be fun, because they’re really not.” Nevertheless you can bet that I’ll be dragged here again same time next year.

Want to have your business advert seen by over 900,000 people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click here to buy your I Am Turtleboy bumper stickers and decals.

Get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution tank tops before they’re all gone. Click on the pic!!!