Spencer Fair Is The Most Spencer Thing Ever

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Mrs. Turtleboy loves to drag me to the most terrible places on earth – Disney World, Hampton Beach, the Big E, etc. But this weekend she wanted to drag me to a local place which was basically the Big E before it went on steroids – the Spencer Fair:


Does your preferred outfit on a 95 degree day include blue jeans, a cutoff t-shirt, work boots, and your favorite hunting hat? When you get your kids dressed in the morning, do you have to choose which camouflage colored outfit they’ll be wearing to school that day? Do you like the smell of cow shit lingering in the air as you aimlessly walk around a dirty sea of vendors? If so, then you’ll love the Spencer Fair. Not Turtelboy though, it was exactly the nightmare I knew it would be.

First of all, it’s 10 bucks to get in. For that you get to walk around and look at shit. Literally shit:


You can also look at some of the most miserable, depressed looking animals outside of the Big E, including a sad turtle clinging to a small piece of shade


a pair of depressed kangaroos wishing they were hopping around



bored mules


tired monkeys



lemurs that are forced into swings and can’t get out


alligators in tubs



RBG would definitely like the black panthers, who sit there all day wishing they could eat you


goats who are forced to smell other goat’s asses all day



pet skunks


and of course who needs to take the butcher’s word for it when you can get a great look at a T-Bone by looking up a cow’s ass?



After the excitement of staring at these animals has worn off, it’s time to move onto the vendor tent. Now at the Big E it’s pretty much impossible to leave without a mop. But it’ more low key at the Spencer Fair, so you’ll have to settle for some of Grandma’s finely knitted something or others


or a vacuum



or some spray for when you leave a megadump lingering on the throne


Then it’s off to the agricultural Spencer Fair award’s tent. Yup, you heard right. They give out awards for the best agriculture at the Spencer Fair.

Show me better eggs than this –


you can’t. The candle contest competition was really heating up this year too


and people are still buzzing about the controversy surrounding the award winners for Spencer Fair’s Best Honey:



There’s tons of other cool crap to look at, like the hall of tractors


carnival games where strange sweaty men will offer you deals on unwinnable, rigged games



then there’s the Willie Nelson tribute show, but you better get there early because seats go fast!!


You will probably work up an appetite walking around looking at all the exciting things, so it’s best to carbo-load with some beef jerkey



And if that’s not your thing, then just stuff your face with some fried dough. Because at a fair, there can never be enough fried dough stands:


Opening up a fried dough stand at the Spencer Fair just doesn’t seem like the smartest business move to me. It’s like opening up another greasy pizza joint in Worcester. Because apparently the people of Worcester can’t get enough greasy pizza. The problem is the market becomes over-saturated. So what do you do with your deep frier then? Simple, fry whatever you’ve got lying around. Like Oreos.



After that you’ll catch your second wind in time for the big poultry show


And it wouldn’t be a fair if there weren’t some big ass pumpkins for you to stare at



Be careful though, all that walking around is likely to give you heat stroke


And I’m pretty sure the Spencer Fair is the only place in America that has attendants for the port-o-johns.


“Tips appreciated.” In Buffalo that would be an invitation to give a Patriots fan a feces shower.

Not to go off on a tangent here, but can I just say how much I hate the concept of a bathroom attendant. It’s the most awkward encounter in the world. You always see these guys at bars when you’re wasted. All you wanna do is go in there and relieve yourself as quickly as possible and there’s this guy there trying to put soap in your hand. And of course you feel like an idiot if you don’t tip him, and an even bigger idiot if you had no intention of washing your hands. Because you can’t help but feel bad for the poor guy who got stuck with the bathroom attendant gig. The problem is you’ll be back 20 minutes later because you’re drinking long island iced teas like there’s no tomorrow, so do you have to tip every time? And do these attendants exist in women’s bathrooms too? Am I alone in this world for hating when bars put you in these awkward situations?

Anyway, allow me to get back to the Spencer Fair. For whatever reason everyone in Spencer thinks they’re the descendent of a confederate general. You’ll never see so many people flying the flag of an imaginary country of traitors, which existed only in the minds of delusional Georgians, as you will in Spencer. Pretty much every vendor selling clothing has their own confederate flag fashion line:


Seriously, the obsession with this flag in Spencer is like nothing I’ve ever seen. It’s everywhere. I’m convinced not a single one of them understands that it symbolizes a part of America that thought it was another country, and ended up starting the deadliest war in American history only to surrender like cowards cuz Uncle Sam shoved his boot up their ass and reminded them who their Daddy was. When these people look at a map one day and find out they’re living in the north this whole time, they’re gonna hate themselves for being Yankees.


And of course there are the Spencer Fair burnouts. Generally the Spencer Fair crowd is impressed by anything that makes a lot of noise for the sole purpose of making lots of noise.


Because there is nothing more Spencer than cheering on some 1998 David Prouty grad in a Van Halen t-shirt as he spins his tires aimlessly until you’re covered in toxic smoke. Then you cheer because they did a good job.

This picture right here is the most Spencer thing I’ve ever seen:


Spencer Fair uniform like you read about. Naturally the burnouts are done in a place that is incredibly fitting for the Spencer Fair – directly next to the graveyard:



Finally when we had seen all the Spencer Fair had to offer we got to head back home. Naturally we immediately got stuck behind some guy driving down route 31 on a tractor.


When you get to the the center of town there are people walking about in their finest Spencer-ware.



And of course if you’ve got a problem with anything we wrote in this blog, you know where to meet Turtleboy:

Screen Shot 2015-09-07 at 10.28.38 PM

Take a number though, because there’s a line.

The bottom line is that Mrs. Turtleboy left this place saying, “I don’t know why I always think these things are gonna be fun, because they’re really not.” Nevertheless you can bet that I’ll be dragged here again same time next year.

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34 Comment(s)
  • Jennifer Schold
    September 4, 2016 at 10:07 am

    Last I checked you live and work in Worcester. Didn’t realize a North High education and cocktails at Funky Murphys was the epitome of class and culture.

  • Margaret Melican
    September 3, 2016 at 7:34 pm

    There once was a Spencer marsupial
    With a TB reaction almost vesuvial
    It’s only a roo
    With a Spencer debut
    Check manure content in downstream alluvial!

  • WTF
    September 9, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    Of all the things you took pictures of at the Fair you missed the biggest story of the entire place…Such a fail…The guy who was selling all the confederate flag shirts hats ect….is a Black man!!! To busy hiding the camera phone so a spencerite wont find out its you ??

    Journalism has really gone to shit in this country…How the hell did you miss that..Could have been an epic interview and entire story in itself..Ya dope!!

  • Maggie the Cat
    September 9, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Now wait a minute, Turtleboy. I won first prize in a craft category some years ago, and I put a lot of work into that thing. I only entered because all my friends told me to do so. I wasn’t looking for glory. Our kids are grown now, but we used to take them every year, and they really enjoyed it.

  • JayC
    September 8, 2015 at 10:29 pm

    I couldn’t see through all the tire smoke if the honorable Bob Moscofian was selling lobsters trying to swindle fair goers watching the burnouts. Too bad TB wasn’t around during that fiasco.

  • Aj
    September 8, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Hey turtle boy you lazy scum come get a real job even know you won’t last a day you will see what reall work is about. I’m looking for help gaurantee your lazy a** won’t last but I’d love to pick on every minuscule little thing you do. Start judging on things that you can actually help not just put your two cents in you ecret person you

    • Wabbitt
      September 8, 2015 at 10:13 pm

      Breaking the Enigma code would take less time than figuring out that garbled mess you shit all over your keyboard.

  • sandman
    September 8, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    Been goin to the spencah fair whole life, shit was hilarious and spot on (shoulda had more pics of townies though, we got some good ones! )

  • September 8, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Well, not that big, but kind of nice ones….and real !!!

    • GoneWest
      September 8, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      dump em out

  • September 8, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    And, yes, TB, there are bathroom attendants in ladies rooms, also. If you and the Mrs. head out to the Big E this year, have your wife find the ladies room where the attendant usually has the holy jumper Jesus cd blasting on her portable cd player. And every time someone drops a quarter in her foil pie plate by the door, she will say “Bless you child” and “Bless you Jesus”!!!!!! I can get a whole year of blessings with just one trip to the bathroom at the Big E. Stopped going to the Spencer Fair years ago cause I gagged being with all the weird townies there. Very unsettling!!!!!! And creepy!!!!!!!!

    • tb
      September 8, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      bet you have large breasts

    • tb
      September 8, 2015 at 2:35 pm

      bet you have large breasts pam

  • fordsnharleys
    September 8, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    Forgot to mention the games where kids go through money faster than a premature ejaculater in a whorehouse.
    Pennsylvania has had Porta potty attendants for decades at the large car shows I’ve attended. Every single one I ever saw was black. I don’t tip because the event extorts the food vendors so I figure I should be able to dispose of it for nothing. They’re just a step away from panhandlers.

  • DebMc
    September 8, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Hey TB, you are so very wrong about Everyone from Spencer not knowing which side of the Mason -Dixon line that they were born on. Yet so very right re: the Spencer Fair. The only thing to combat the Spencer Fair: stay in, crank the AC, and drink, (possibly heavy).

  • luvthisshit
    September 8, 2015 at 11:35 am

    “Shut up dipshit…. oh,”

    lol, is this grammatically correct? I think NASA or maybe even Stephen Hawkins would want to collaborate with a genius like you. Asshole

  • Jafreese
    September 8, 2015 at 9:41 am

    Carbo load with beef jerky? I hope that was sarcasm and you’re not that dumb

  • a bored ex fan
    September 8, 2015 at 9:05 am

    Oh, and tell skeeter to go and do his manual labor sheet rock work so he has money for his dope, he is just an example of your fan base, a bunch of low life pot smoking idiots.

    Again, Fuck you turtleboy

    • Wabbitt
      September 8, 2015 at 10:58 am

      U mad bro?

    • barfly
      September 9, 2015 at 9:47 am

      Wtg slandering him…now he isnt gonna have any customers to hang board for…..and wont be able to make money for more dope

  • a bored ex fan
    September 8, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Turtleboy you got it wrong again, it’s a fun place to bring kids and see something a little different. If you were expecting the same entertainment as Universal studios in FL your bigger idiots than I thought. I used to enjoy reading your posts but time and time again your proving Turtleboy and its Mensa writers are following an agenda with no objectivity in your posts, if your not smart enough to walk by the person selling vacuum cleaners or direct TV I have a time share you may be interested in. Fuck you and your band of negative idiots who write together, and please consider anger management, the world is really not that bad.

    • Finnish Goalie
      September 8, 2015 at 10:08 am

      So what drove you off the ledge? Seems there was a breaking point.

    • lol
      September 8, 2015 at 10:22 am

      Shut up dipshit…. oh, and while you’re busy telling others what idiots they are, I believe the word your looking for is, “you’re.”

      • Tony
        September 8, 2015 at 5:45 pm

        Wait really

    • Poultrygirl
      September 8, 2015 at 1:29 pm

      You can tell turtleboy has been off his meds.

    • Toby
      September 4, 2016 at 12:36 pm

      Really? My kids asked if we could go there and I told them it was already over. Not going to spend money on an overrated carnival with a bunch of assholes walking around. Been there done that once it will never happen again.

  • spencersfinest!
    September 8, 2015 at 7:50 am

    hey! fuck you! i’m from Spencah!……………..also, great piece! ………….dick!

  • Skeeter
    September 8, 2015 at 6:59 am

    I didn’t go this year, but I bet 10 bucks there was some asshole in the vendor tent trying to get people to buy windows. There’s nothing more annoying than being harrassed about whether or not I’m a homeowner just so that they can try to sell me windows. Oh, and I almost forgot about the DirectTV guy, too.

    • Wabbitt
      September 8, 2015 at 10:56 am

      And a hot tub. There’s always people selling hot tubs.

  • Wheelwright
    September 8, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Funny you caught the asshole in the black cut off shirt and hat at the burn outs. Looks like the douchebag I evicted two years ago for not paying rent! Still owes me $$$$$. He’s got $10 for the fair and money for beer. Where’s my fucking money?

  • danny
    September 8, 2015 at 2:26 am

    The BROCKTON FAIR has a bathroom attendant also must be special like Spencer

  • Jehovah
    September 8, 2015 at 12:31 am

    the agriculture is what makes it a fair and not a carnival.

  • Boo Boo Bobby Gibbs
    September 7, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    Black Panthers are racist

  • Nope, no thanks
    September 7, 2015 at 10:58 pm

    LOL’ing! You summed it up perfectly!!

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