Social Justice Warriors

30 Minutes Of The ESPYS Made Turtleboy Put On Dance Moms

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Some people were asking my opinion tonight about what I thought of LeBron James winning some award on the ESPY’s tonight. Let me make myself perfectly clear – nothing has ever mattered less than an ESPY. Ever. ESPN is an irrelevant, terrible channel, that is only good for condensing baseball games into 30 second clips on Sports Center. The ESPY’s are no different than the Dundies. It’s a channel, throwing itself a party that it named after itself in order to fool you into thinking it matters. It doesn’t.

You wanna know how you can tell this show is beyond irrelevant? It’s on channel 5. Ya got that? ESPN is having their show on another channel in the hopes that you will accidentally end up on it. This is how I ended up watching it tonight. And I’m about to watch Bruce Jenner get an award named after a guy who died from AIDS, because he’s rich enough to afford plastic surgery.

The show was literally on for 30 minutes in my house before I let Mrs. Turtleboy put it back on Dance Moms. During that time I witnessed three things that reminded me why I would never watch ESPN ever again:

  1. Malcolm Butler somehow lost the award for best play of the year, despite making the greatest play in sports history. But it’s cool because Odell Beckham Jr caught a really nifty one handed pass in an irrelevant game that didn’t matter.
  2. Ben Affleck came out and revived the Derek Jeter 2014 handjob tour. Because it’s a rule that Red Sox fans all of a sudden have to “tip their cap” to Derek Jeter and pretend that he’s special because he showed up for work and did his job every day while making $20 million a year while playing on a team loaded with Hall of Famers.
  3. Lance Bass is apparently giving the award to Caitlyn Jenner so she could get up on stage and say “I,” “me,” and “my” 62 times.



What makes this whole thing so disgusting is that they let Caitlyn Jenner upstage a little girl with cancer. The Cincinnati Bengals’ Devon Still won some sort of award earlier, in which he gave a 30 second speech about his daughter, who is fighting cancer. Anyone with kids wants to fucking CRY when they see images like this:

Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 10.52.26 PM Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 10.53.50 PM Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 10.56.11 PM

If Caitlyn Jenner had ANY class at all, she would’ve gotten up there and talked about how what she did doesn’t even come close to the courage shown by Devon Still and his beautiful, amazing daughter. But she wouldn’t do that, because at the end of the day she’s still just a self-absorbed, narcissistic reality TV star. This is Devon Stills’ support group

Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 10.56.11 PM


This is Caitlyn Jenner’s support group

CKAC9yaUcAAN2mG Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 10.48.55 PM

Caitlyn Jenner got a 30 minute montage, and Devon Still got sandwiched in between a Derek Jeter circlejerk and an Odell Beckham Jr catch. And right after the Caitlyn Jenner lovefest was over this commercial aired within 30 seconds:

Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 11.05.10 PM Screen Shot 2015-07-15 at 11.05.17 PM

Oh yea, and did I mention that Caitlyn Jenner’s PR team lobbied ESPN to give him the award in exchange for plugs for his show. His publicist also threatened to not do the Dianne Sawyer interview if ESPN didn’t give him the award. ESPN and ABS are both owned by Disney. This is what your “hero” and his fantastic friends did in order to make sure that her TV show got more attention than a brave little girl fighting the most deadly disease on earth. Fuck ESPN and everything it stands for.

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15 Comment(s)
  • Hoov
    July 16, 2015 at 9:33 am

    And now it’s been revealed that Jenner was promised this award and an opportunity to speak to his/her platform at the Espys in exchange for Diane sawyer getting the “call me caitlyn” interview. You got that??? The award for courage was essentially bought. This is why I won’t ever watch the ESPYs.

  • GoneWest
    July 16, 2015 at 9:27 am

    It does not take courage to come out the way Jenner did. Even if no one accepted it, the bank would welcome him and the checks with open arms; a point that must have been clear before, and especially now with the announcement of a reality show. Before people hail Jenner as a hero for the community, let’s take a look at what he actually does for LGBT community other than profit off of it.

  • Samuel Burnside
    July 16, 2015 at 9:21 am

    If HE doesn’t get his pecker lobbed off, HE is a fraud.

  • Chris From Georgia
    July 16, 2015 at 7:54 am

    Bruce Jenner is no hero! He is a sick individual that needs professional help. Unfortunately you have bunch of dumb hippies in charge at ESPN.

  • 15 mins are up!!!
    July 16, 2015 at 7:13 am

    So sick of hearing about this freakshow! I don’t see how he/she can get any award for courage??? The guy lied to his multiple families for decades!! I’d be ashamed if I were “it”!!!

  • Deano
    July 16, 2015 at 6:57 am

    Not that the ESPY’s matter (TB is right, they most certainly do not) but what a missed opportunity to posthumously give the award to Lauren Hill. If you don’t know her story, she is the college basketball player who died of brain cancer at 19, and when her diagnosis was clear and her story was circulated, she used her platform to stare cancer right in the face and say she was going to live the rest of her life the best that she could. It was exactly what courage should look like. ESPN cheesed out and gave her the award for “best moment” but it’s still a complete injustice IMO.

  • Clive's not racist, just ask him.
    July 16, 2015 at 6:20 am

    The high def close-ups of “It” were nothing short of…. breathtaking?? AND she has man hands!

  • chistine
    July 15, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    Bless the child who has cancer. Most horrible thing in the world is to watch your child suffer and fighting that horrible disease. And this I know were my three year old granddaughter Lillian was just diagnosed with it in June of 2015. She has Ewing Sarcoma she has suffered enough already I wanted to just die when we were told. To see her parents suffer there isnothing good about what happened to my Lillian. Our whole world turned upside down see my beautiful 3 year old granddaughter bald now and fighting for her life.I ha ve no words to describe the pain. God bless all the little children out there fighting cancer

    • Carlo's Daddy
      July 15, 2015 at 11:12 pm

      God Bless your daughter…..she is in my prayers.

    • Jill
      July 16, 2015 at 6:05 am

      Sending some positive vibes to you and your family. I hope Lillian kicks Cancer’s ass!

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      July 16, 2015 at 6:26 am

      We wish for a long and fulfilling life for Lillian. Stay strong!

    • BobnMic
      July 16, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      God bless you Christine and for being able to endure. God bless Lillian does not even seem enough to say. There is nothing more precious on this earth than the innocence of little kids. They remind us of how the world should really be like with purity and honesty.

  • John
    July 15, 2015 at 10:53 pm

    Sir, the Dundies are a time honored tradition. I will thank you not to place them in the same category as the abortion known as ESPN or its laughable clown show awards.

    July 15, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    The more you write about this piece of trash ratings loving he/she the more he wins. Any relivant award show gives a courage award to a cancer survivor over a guy that will cut his dick off to be happy because he sucks as a parent and can’t satisfy his wife.

    Everyone has the right to the persuit of happiness but don’t force it down my throat media!!

  • Chaz
    July 15, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    “The ESPY’s are no different than the Dundies.”

    That’s pretty disrespectful to the Dundies, TB.

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