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Akron-Canton News: Akron Police have quite a mess on their hands.

Officers are searching for someone they said has defecated on 19 parked cars in driveways since May 2012.

The bowel movement bandit strikes between 4 and 6 a.m. On Wednesday morning, a resident caught the suspect on film. She set up a camera after the seventh time that someone had pooped on her car while it was parked in her driveway.

One man said that the defecator has struck his car six times, and has even smeared it on his hood, door handles, gas tank cover, windshield and mirrors.

The map above shows the places hit by the man, who could face misdemeanor criminal mischief or criminal damaging charges. The spots are between Hancock Avenue, Waterloo Road, state Route 93 and Kenmoore Road.

So far none of the victims have recognized the man in the photo, but Akron Police said Thursday that the department has received about a dozen tips about the identity of the man.

Oh look, Ohio is in the news again. The Florida of the north never fails to let us all down. And OF COURSE this guy’s favorite football team is the Cleveland Browns. Their uniforms look like this guy smeared his fabulous Akron dump all over them.

Cleveland is the only city in America who has a type of poop named after them.

Pretty much everything in Northwestern Ohio has to do with poop. Therefore there is nothing even remotely surprising about this story.

He’s dropped 19 dumps in a matter of days. I’m not even mad. That’s amazing. This guy must love Moe’s, or else I’m thinking this has to be a conspiracy of sorts. They’ve got a picture of this one guy, but he could easily be a patsy. There must be a second or third pooper out there somewhere. I mean, the guy took a shit on a Dodge Neon. That thing was a shitbox already. He was doing the guy a favor. I assume they can’t be full dumps though. Drop a little nugget here, a little nugget there, just to establish his territory. Hopefully they get to the “bottom” of this.

I will say this though. I had no idea people from Akron even took dumps like this. Because the only guy I know from Akron shits in his pants whenever he gets in a bind.

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