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America Is Getting Screwed By Not Having A Monarchy

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I’ve always been anti-monarchy. Bunch of lucky sperm living taxpayer funded lives of luxury and acting like their shit don’t stink. Before we got any further, let me just point out that this is the BACKUP royal family. People forget that. Edward VIII was the real king in 1936, but he wanted to bang this American pass around chick, so he literally gave up being King so he could be her third husband. That’s why they had to make the backup, George VI the King. And that’s why we now have this BACKUP family’s weddings to watch. Lucky bastards.

And since he married an American chick, what happens if she wanted to live in the states? Or was that even a conversation that took place? Imagine if they moved to Williamsburg and got a studio apartment? We could be looking at the first ever royal anchor baby. Send em back!!

If you’re like me your timeline on Facebook and Twitter yesterday consisted of 75% posts along the lines of “I don’t give a shit about the royal wedding,” and “We broke away from England so we didn’t have to watch these assholes.” Stuff like that. And while I agree in theory, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours and I’ve switched teams. I’m pro-royal now. British Turtlegirl turned me around on that one. I’ve also decided that it’s time for a monarchy in America. It’s actually exactly what we need. Here’s why:

  • The monarchy has no real power to my knowledge. At least they shouldn’t.
  • The wedding was a nice distraction from things that actually matter. And things that actually matter bring out terrible people with terrible opinions that they feel the need to share with everyone. If I wasn’t watching the ginger marry the suitcase chick from Deal or No Deal, I’d probably be watching the news. Guess which one would anger me more? Not even close.

  • The British aren’t stupid. They’re not just pissing their money away on these welfare leaches. I refuse to believe they’d be that dumb. This is the only country in Europe that actually bothered standing up to Hitler. Historically they’re really good at making money too.
  • I haven’t looked at their books, but I gotta believe that they bring in more money from idiot Americans and other tourists than it costs them to give these royal welfare leeches room and board.
  • Our presidential elections are basically a joke, as evidenced in 2016. No matter who wins half the country hates them anyway.
  • King and queens don’t have to be political. They’re a nice distraction from real politics. And there’s a whole bunch of people in this country who care about politics and they have no idea what they’re talking about. I think a king or queen could be a nice distraction for them. I’d rather see people who don’t know shit about shit debating about whether or not you could see the Princess’s nipples than I would listen to them pretend to know about health care.

My only concern would be that I don’t want some trashbag family like the Kardashians becoming the royal family. I want class. I want people who don’t vote and don’t share opinions about anything. I want people who sit in a castle all day with a moat and a dragon and act as bait for tourists all around the world to come here and dump money into our economy. Why should the British have a monopoly on the monarchy? Seems like we’re getting screwed by them. Again.

So who would be the royal family? I think we all know the answer to that one….

Like it’s ever been in doubt. Would anyone really object to that? They already have all this money anyway, so it’s not like we have to pay for it. Just have them live in a castle and we can call them the royal Brady family and morons from all over the world will come here and spend, spend, spend. Our schools, police, and fire will be funded, and the roads will be repaired. We’ll still have the most bad ass military and we might even throw in universal health care too. Just because we can. I know Giselle isn’t an American, but these days neither are most people here so what does it matter?

16 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    May 21, 2018 at 7:37 pm

    I kept seeing people bitching about the cost of the wedding. But the wedding, the dress, the security – all of it was paid for by a royal trust and sponsors. The British public didn’t pay for anything but the police details. And the royal family generates twice as much money in tourism dollars as it costs to keep them in the lap of luxury. So while they don’t actually DO anything toward governing, they’re basically free money.

  • Hughbo Mont
    May 21, 2018 at 2:14 pm

    By the way they act, I could swear The Clintons were our royal family.

  • Ndamukong [email protected]$$
    May 21, 2018 at 11:21 am

    Tom Brady should be made emperor for life.

  • Stunt Penis
    May 21, 2018 at 11:14 am

    We already have an American monarchy. It’s called “The Clintons”

  • Bucketnutz
    May 20, 2018 at 11:45 pm

    If you’ve a drop of Irish blood in you, then please read a history book about these ‘nice’ British royals…..
    Also, there are +/- 30 million dead in WW1 because of monarchies (who were all related/cousins).

    • z
      May 21, 2018 at 8:37 am

      I’d kind of give the British Royals a bit of a pass, but just a bit. For the most part, they’ve been figureheads for about 100+ years and a tourist attraction since WWII. But yeah, they never spoke up about the crap “Their” governments pulled.

      You are correct about them being all related. Marriages of convenience to supposedly keep countries from killing each other. Which didn’t work out so well.

      I was reading something about the Eli Manning fraud settlement and how John Mara who own the Giants basically has the NFL in his pocket. I saw a comment “He was born on 3rd base and thinks he hit a triple”. I’d say the same about royals. I don’t understand how people eat this shit up.

  • Captain Trips
    May 20, 2018 at 7:17 pm

    We already have a monarchy – it’s called the able-bodied welfare class.

    They get paid not to work. And certain political parties think they’re great!

  • British Turtlegirl
    May 20, 2018 at 6:25 pm

    Admittedly I’m not a fan of the principle of a Royal Family, purely because it means people are born into it without merit. But then again, you have people in the business world that were born into family wealth that didn’t earn it either.

    However, the main players British Royal Family work hard and are quite humble with it. They don’t vote or appear to show any political allegiance. Most have served in the armed forces and head up charities. They are also good for international relations and have developed strong ties over the world. It’s all good for diplomacy, whoever we have as Prime Minister. Also, events such as births, weddings and anniversaries help bring the nation together, even in troubled times and are a great economic boost. Politics can’t quite do that.

    Apparently they cost each tax payer about 65p a year. That’s under a dollar.

  • TJB
    May 20, 2018 at 6:07 pm

    TB pop ups are deleting comments. 3rd try.

  • MAGA
    May 20, 2018 at 5:20 pm

    How awesome would King Trump be? Would love if he started executing liberals and ratchets with no repercussions.

    • British Turtlegirl
      May 20, 2018 at 6:02 pm

      Being called ‘King’ would inflate his ego so much that his head would explode.
      So, sounds like a plan 🙂

      • MAGA
        May 20, 2018 at 6:12 pm

        Hopefully he loads you into the over before that happens.

  • Half Empty Syringe
    May 20, 2018 at 2:00 pm

    Guttermuppet would be Queen, she sums up the current American Dream

    • Lala
      May 20, 2018 at 3:36 pm

      Our monarchy died with John John. Who could compare? And the Kardashian risk? I mean, do we really want to take that risk? You think Trump is bad? Oh I can’t even bear the thought!

      • El Jefe
        May 20, 2018 at 4:58 pm

        Kennedys were akin to royalty? This is a tired ideology. They were a bunch of drunken, lecherous sots. The old man made his cash bootlegging with the mob. John, Robert and Teddy were as dirty as the toilet paper I just wiped my ass with.

        • The Dead Kennedys
          May 20, 2018 at 6:43 pm

          From baby sitters to bar patrons the Kennedy’s have raped more women that isis. Michael Kennedy had a 5 year affair with his children’s baby sitter beginning when she Was 14 years old he was mid thirties. William Kennedy Smith acquitted of rape in Florida rumor is he and uncle Ted had done this many time before. The whole family were/are drunken drug addicted rapists and criminals. Heroin possession, trashing rented yachts, resisting arrest, drunk driving, driving off bridges. Fucking Scum!

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