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I’ve always been anti-monarchy. Bunch of lucky sperm living taxpayer funded lives of luxury and acting like their shit don’t stink. Before we got any further, let me just point out that this is the BACKUP royal family. People forget that. Edward VIII was the real king in 1936, but he wanted to bang this American pass around chick, so he literally gave up being King so he could be her third husband. That’s why they had to make the backup, George VI the King. And that’s why we now have this BACKUP family’s weddings to watch. Lucky bastards.
And since he married an American chick, what happens if she wanted to live in the states? Or was that even a conversation that took place? Imagine if they moved to Williamsburg and got a studio apartment? We could be looking at the first ever royal anchor baby. Send em back!!
If you’re like me your timeline on Facebook and Twitter yesterday consisted of 75% posts along the lines of “I don’t give a shit about the royal wedding,” and “We broke away from England so we didn’t have to watch these assholes.” Stuff like that. And while I agree in theory, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours and I’ve switched teams. I’m pro-royal now. British Turtlegirl turned me around on that one. I’ve also decided that it’s time for a monarchy in America. It’s actually exactly what we need. Here’s why:
- The monarchy has no real power to my knowledge. At least they shouldn’t.
- The wedding was a nice distraction from things that actually matter. And things that actually matter bring out terrible people with terrible opinions that they feel the need to share with everyone. If I wasn’t watching the ginger marry the suitcase chick from Deal or No Deal, I’d probably be watching the news. Guess which one would anger me more? Not even close.
Unlike Shaun King at least she can prove she’s black. pic.twitter.com/2DXji1EVBx
— Turtleboy Sports (@TurtleboyNews) May 19, 2018
- The British aren’t stupid. They’re not just pissing their money away on these welfare leaches. I refuse to believe they’d be that dumb. This is the only country in Europe that actually bothered standing up to Hitler. Historically they’re really good at making money too.
- I haven’t looked at their books, but I gotta believe that they bring in more money from idiot Americans and other tourists than it costs them to give these royal welfare leeches room and board.
- Our presidential elections are basically a joke, as evidenced in 2016. No matter who wins half the country hates them anyway.
- King and queens don’t have to be political. They’re a nice distraction from real politics. And there’s a whole bunch of people in this country who care about politics and they have no idea what they’re talking about. I think a king or queen could be a nice distraction for them. I’d rather see people who don’t know shit about shit debating about whether or not you could see the Princess’s nipples than I would listen to them pretend to know about health care.
My only concern would be that I don’t want some trashbag family like the Kardashians becoming the royal family. I want class. I want people who don’t vote and don’t share opinions about anything. I want people who sit in a castle all day with a moat and a dragon and act as bait for tourists all around the world to come here and dump money into our economy. Why should the British have a monopoly on the monarchy? Seems like we’re getting screwed by them. Again.
So who would be the royal family? I think we all know the answer to that one….
Like it’s ever been in doubt. Would anyone really object to that? They already have all this money anyway, so it’s not like we have to pay for it. Just have them live in a castle and we can call them the royal Brady family and morons from all over the world will come here and spend, spend, spend. Our schools, police, and fire will be funded, and the roads will be repaired. We’ll still have the most bad ass military and we might even throw in universal health care too. Just because we can. I know Giselle isn’t an American, but these days neither are most people here so what does it matter?