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Missouri and Yale have been dominating the hippie headlines this week with their hilarious, wacky protests. But the whole time I was watching this go down all I could think was, “where the hell is Amherst? Have they lost their touch?” Amherst INVENTED the hippie protest. It’s why they’re ranked the top hippie town in the state. Turns out they were saving the ULTIMATE list of hilarious hippie demands for the end of the week. Basically their beefs revolved the President of Amherst College not yelling at people who put up posters that advocated for free speech, in light of the blatant repression of free speech and press in Missouri, Yale, and colleges all over the country.
Oh, and it’s the President’s fault that the school mascot, Lord Jeffrey Amherst, is racist. Because everyone who has ever existed before 2015 is racist. Thus the only acceptable school mascot is one that comes with no attached microaggressions and makes absolutely no sense, like these guys:
So obviously President Martin has to go, but not before he gives into their demands. Let’s check some of them out….
1. President Martin must issue a statement of apology to students, alumni and former students, faculty, administration and staff who have been victims of several injustices including but not limited to our institutional legacy of white supremacy, colonialism, anti-black racism, anti-Latinx racism, anti-Native American racism, anti-Native/ indigenous racism, anti-Asian racism, anti-Middle Eastern racism, heterosexism, cis-sexism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, mental health stigma, and classism. Also include that marginalized communities and their allies should feel safe at Amherst College.
I don’t know if I could go to a school if I don’t know where the school president stands on cis-sexism and ableism. LOL. This is what we’ve come to now. School presidents have to apologize for every micro aggression that has ever happened in the world to anyone who isn’t a “cis” (which means you have a dick AND you agree that it does in fact belong to you) white heterosexual male. If you are a cis white heterosexual male you now OWE a preemptive apology for simply being born the way you were born. Because that makes TONS of sense!!!
2. We demand Cullen Murphy ‘74, Chairman of the Board of Trustees, to issue a statement of apology to students, alumni and former students, faculty, administration, and staff who have been victims of several injustices including but not limited to our institutional legacy of white supremacy, colonialism, anti-black racism, anti-Latinx racism, anti-Native American racism, anti-Native/ indigenous racism, anti-Asian racism, anti-Middle Eastern racism, heterosexism, cis-sexism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, mental health stigma, and classism
Cullen Murphy is the editor at large for Vanity Fair – one of the most liberal, progressive, open-minded publications that has ever existed. They are the ones who broke the “Caitlyn Jenner” coming out photo shoot. But please, tell me why Cullen Murphy should apologize for his cis-sexism…..and all those other fun hippie injustices.
5. President Martin must issue a statement to the Amherst College community at large that states we do not tolerate the actions of student(s) who posted the “All Lives Matter” posters, and the “Free Speech” posters that stated that “in memoriam of the true victim of the Missouri Protests: Free Speech.” Also let the student body know that it was racially insensitive to the students of color on our college campus and beyond who are victim to racial harassment and death threats; alert them that Student Affairs may require them to go through the Disciplinary Process if a formal complaint is filed, and that they will be required to attend extensive training for racial and cultural competency.
Wait……what? Let me get this straight. The president of one of America’s most prestigious colleges, one that gave us the legendary Calvin Coolidge himself, must issue a statement saying that he won’t tolerate free speech? This is happening in real life.
But that’s not enough. Then he has to find the students put these posters up, which advocated for racist things like “all lives matter” and “free speech,” and discipline them. This of course will be followed by some racial and cultural competency training. Not just regular racial and cultural competency training. EXTENSIVE racial and cultural competency training. Because clearly these people are fucked up beyond belief and need some EXTENSIVE diversity training STAT!!!!
And all because some Amherst students were the victims of imaginary and fabricated incidents of racial harassment and death threats, and consequently had their feelings hurt, despite being inside their designated safe spaces.
7. President Martin must release a statement by Friday, November 13th, 2015 by 5:00pm that condemns the inherent racist nature of the unofficial mascot, the Lord Jeff, and circulate it to the student body, faculty, alumni, and Board of Trustees. This will be followed up by the encouraged removal of all imagery including but not limited to apparel, memorabilia, facilities, etc. for Amherst College and all of its affiliates via a phasing out process within the next year.
Come on guys, haven’t you seen any movies with demands before? If you’re gonna issue a deadline, like November 13th, 2015 by 5:00 PM, then you need to let them know what’s gonna happen if they don’t have your money/apology at that time. “Hey President Martin, if you don’t condemn all your neo-colonialist microagressions by 5:00 PM sharp, then your daughter has to make out with Old Balls!!!”
LOL. If you thought the Redskins had a racist name, then you obviously haven’t been to Amherst College. Because nothing is more racist than a guy named Lord Joffrey Amherst, who may or may not have given smallpox blankets to Indians. As a matter of fact the whole TOWN should have to change their name
8. Dean Epstein must ask faculty to excuse all students from all 5 College classes, work shifts, and assignments from November 12th, 2015 to November 13th, 2015 given their organization of and attendance at the Sit-In.
HAHHAHAHHAA. Priceless. Absolutely PRICELESS!! Why didn’t I think of that when I was in college? Hey Professor, you know that term paper that’s due today? Yea I’m gonna have to go ahead and DEMAND that you exempt me from that because I have a very busy day ahead of me involving sitting on my ass in the student union, fixing racism, and eating raisin bagels with my fantastic friends.
You know how I know these kids are morons? They didn’t put free Antonio’s anywhere on there demand list. How are you gonna make all these demands for free shit and not put unlimited slices of chicken bacon ranch on there? Only a brain dead hippie would value a meaningless forced apology over hot cheese up front.
The best part about this is that Amherst is probably the most progressive and tolerant community in America. MAYBE there are incidents where drunken morons let an “n” word slip here an there over at UMass. But Amherst College is right in the middle of town. Dead center of hippie central. There is a 0.0% chance any kids at Amherst College have ever experienced racism in the town of Amherst ever. I would bet the world famous Turtleboy Nantucket horse ranch on that.
But then again, facts don’t really matter, and this entire movement is predicated upon lies and rumors being presented as truths. And the only way to fix that is to get every college president in America to resign and apologize for being a straight white guy with a penis who believes that he is a straight white guy with a penis.
P.S. This Twitter account is hilarious. It’s a parody account that sounded so authentic we almost used it in the blog. Well done whoever is behind @AmherstUprising.
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