Sports

An Open Letter to Patriots Fans: Did You Know How Much Shit Colts Fans Talk About You?

By J-Dub

For purposes of full disclosure, I’m not a Colts fan, but due to certain circumstances, I currently live in Indiana.  To be honest, I’m a Philadelphia Eagles fan, and I owe a small debt of gratitude to the Patriots for finally exposing as truth something I always knew; Donovan McNabb would never be a Super Bowl-winning quarterback.

But, Patriots fans, what you don’t know is Indianapolis Colts fans hate you. They talk all kinds of shit about you. Even though the Patriots beat the Colts by 20+ points the other night, Colts fans are still running their mouths about you and your team. First, I’ll tell you the usual stuff that comes form their collective crap-holes, then I’ll save you the time of getting your crayons sharpened to respond to it.

The most common theme is the Patriots fans are actually some of the shittiest fans in football.  Just because the Patriots haven’t sucked for fifteen years now, the ranks of their fans have swelled to include the fairweather butt-loafs that populate not only Boston and the greater Northeast, but includes generally obnoxious front-runners from everywhere else. You know the guy I’m talking about; the guy who wears a Tom Brady jersey (which always seems to come off in sub-freezing temperatures) despite the fact he weighs as much as a small car and who thinks “FAAAAAAAAAAAAACKYOU! YOUSUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK! is witty repartee, and who couldn’t tell you who Steve Grogan and John Hannah were.

19 Jan 2002:   A New England Patriots fan cheers for the team during the AFC playoff game against th

Colts’ fans can get away with saying shit like this because every stereotype evolves from a kernel of truth.  Most of the so-called hometown Patriots fans are dickrings who simply change out of their “Big Papi” jersey to a “Tom Brady” jersey every September.  What they know about football would fit in their ass with plenty of room for their head left over.  It would be a minor miracle if any of them could name a Patriot other than Tom Brady, rob Gronkowski, or that guy who is still in jail.

In a lot of respects, the Patriot fan base is much like that of the Cowboys; in the sense there’s a small group of real fans who will still be around after Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are drooling on each other’s catheters at the nursing home, and then there’s a bunch of luxury box front-runners, and guys named “Tommy Boy” and “Sully” who once the Pats are back to being a 6-10 team will be back screaming racial epithets at black hockey players.

f it weren’t for the aforementioned Cowboys’ fans, Vikings’ fans, Raiders’ fans or the Colts fans who hate you, Patriot fans would be the worst in all of football. They hate Jets fans even though they are exactly like Jets fans.  They are just like Jets fans because half of Foxboro is Jets fans on any given Sunday.

Like it or not, it’s true.  I have several trusted friends who also happen to be Patriot season-ticket holders (they would be in the small group of “real” Patriots fans).  They will be the first to tell you that Gillette Stadium and the town of Foxboro is the worst place in the world for real football fans.  The Patriots fans who show up at the stadium are either the shirtless Brady jersey owners,  who by the end if the first quarter already reek of their own piss, or they are what is commonly referred to as the “wine and cheese” crowd.

It’s hard to tell which is more hate-worthy; the guy in the stocking cap who will undoubtedly puke on himself at some point while screaming what you are pretty sure is some sort of racial insult, or the guy who spends half of every game telling everyone to sit down. Of course, “Mr. Sit Down” is the same guy who only shows up for the “best” 2 or 3  games of the year and sells the rest of his tickets to Jets fans.

If you doubt them, pay close attention to the seats the next time you see a Patriots game. You will notice the red seats in the middle of Gillette Stadium. That’s where the big-time “wine and cheesers” who own luxury boxes also have the option of sitting outside.  This means that many seats go empty which makes Gillette Stadium the quietest in all of football.

These friends of mine can regail with all kinds of tales of Patriot fan dumb-assery, ranging from hearing the offense booed off the field for driving for a game-winning field goal (the crowd wanted a touchdown) to throwing stuff at Troy Brown – in one of the last games of his career – for botching a punt return.

In any case, both “Tommy Boy” and “Mr. Wine and Cheese”-type Patriot fans are like the turd-baby result of a Jets fans ass-raping a Notre Dame fan; they are obnoxious, dim, and keep reminding you they are better than they really are.

Most importantly, the “Tommy Boys” and “Sullys” of the world have this truly messed-up notion that being a loudmouth cynical ass-wipe equals being a tough guy. These are the guys who watch Mark Walhberg movies and fondle themselves, these are the guys who get tougher with each Sam Adams they pound, and these are the same guys who wake up in a puddle of their own piss and teeth after they screamed the wrong thing at the wrong dude.  There’s nothing tough about these red-and-blue creampuffs.  They are the same guys who are calling sports-radio wailing like a rotating ball of vag-bitches just using Sunday night’s completely predictable win as yet another excuse to showcase their moronic bullshit.  The fact is that it would take like two or three Raider at the most fans to kick the living shit out of every Patriot fan on earth.  These Patriot fans are softer than a Memory Foam pillow made out of marshmallows and puppy fur.

tony dungy bat boy

The irony in this kind of shit coming out of the throat-funnels of Colts fans is nothing short of amazing.  For those of you who don’t know, let me describe the typical Colts’ fan to you.  Take the whining nature of a Minnesota Viking fan, combine it with the football knowledge of an Amazonian tribesman, sprinkle in some slavish idolatry for Tony “Bat-BoyDungy, and cover it all with a 6XL Peyton Manning Denver Broncos jersey hiding at least three sets of those giant, blue-veined, unisex rain-gutter titties they all have and you get the picture.  The sports talk radio station in Indianapolis is the only one where you can actually hear somebody getting the Heimlich Manuever live on the air and nobody seems surprised.

Miss Indiana 2012 after her gastric bypass surgery.

Miss Indiana 2012 after her gastric bypass surgery.

On top of that, Colts fans are the only ones who are bigger pussies than Patriots fans. Know what happens if you get drunk and act like a Patriots fan in Indianapolis? (By the way, I get the irony in bad fan behavior being pointed out by an Eagles fan, so you can save us that observation).  Thanks to the Indianapolis Colts, we have yet another solid gold example of the further hypocritical pussification of America. In other words, if you get drunk and obnoxious enough to get kicked out of a Colts game, they make you attend a “sensitivity training” course before you are allowed back to the stadium.

OK, football fans.. if I were to ask 10,000 of you which team has fans who get completely out of control, the number who said “the Colts”  would be somewhere between “zero” and “are you fucking kidding me?” The stupid-ass article about “sensitivity training” even admits that.

Of course Colts’ fans are well-behaved, because 90% of them get winded answering the phone. The average female Colts’ fan has more Chins than a Shanghai phone book, and the average male Colts’ fan hasn’t seen his own junk in so long he couldn’t find it with an Earthquake Rescue Team and the sonar from “Hunt From Red October.”  What the fuck are these people going to do? Sweat aggressively? Run over your toe with their Hoverround?

There you have it, Patriots’ fans. You are getting dogged by one of the few fan bases more pathetic than you. You going to take that?

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