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So the Ted Wells investigation of the the New England Patriots in regards to their knowledge of deflated balls during the AFC Championship game has concluded. The report is 200 pages of hilarious nonsense. In the time it’s taken to convict Aaron Herenandez and Jafar Tsarnaev of murdering people, a multi-million dollar law firm has reached absolutely no conclusions whatsoever. That’s the gist of the report.

This whole thing is just so NFL it hurts. They spent 100 days looking for evidence that the Patriots cheated and at the end of the day they found nothing conclusive. This was their best shot:

“For the reasons described in this Report, and after a comprehensive investigation, we have concluded that, in connection with the AFC Championship Game, it is more probable than not that New England Patriots personnel participated in violations of the Playing Rules and were involved in a deliberate effort to circumvent the rules. In particular, we have concluded that it is more probable than not that Jim McNally (the Officials Locker Room attendant for the Patriots) and John Jastremski (an equipment assistant for the Patriots) participated in a deliberate effort to release air from Patriots game balls after the balls were examined by the referee. Based on the evidence, it also is our view that it is more probable than not that Tom Brady (the quarterback for the Patriots) was at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities of McNally and Jastremski involving the release of air from Patriots game balls.”

Probable. That’s all he has. All Ted Wells just did is make sure that Patriot haters validate their butthurtness that the Patriots are cheaters, while Patriots fans point to the fact that there’s no proof they cheated. That’s it. 100 days of investigating and no conclusion reached. Then again, it’s not really surprising when you consider the source. Here’s some things you should know about Ted Wells that are “probable”:

• He went to Holy Cross with Worcester hippie Gordon Davis, who thinks that the tape of the hippies blockading Kelley Square is evidence that won’t hold up in court, so he’s PROBABLY a moron.
• He represented Scooter Libby, who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice, and only dodged prison time when George W. Bush commuted his sentence. It’s PROBABLE that he made a backroom deal with the President’s people to get these convicted criminal off the hook.
• He represented New York governor Eliot Spitzer, who PROBABLY had sex with a million high priced NYC prostitutes.
• Herepresented U.S. Congressman Mike Espy, who PROBABLY took improper and illegal gifts from lobbyists in exchange for favorable votes for special interest groups, but since there was no REAL proof, he was found not guilty.
• He represented U.S. Senator Robert Toricelli, who PROBABLY accepted illegal gifts from the Chinese, and then PROBABLY donated illegal money after going on to become a powerful lobbyist.
• He represented Congressman Floyd Flake who PROBABLY used his position as a pastor to embezzle church funds for private interests.
• He represented Phillip Morris, who PROBABLY knew that they were selling an addictive product that was designed to slowly kill you.
• He lives in New Jersey, so it’s PROBABLY that he’s a complete dooshnozzle.

We’ll have more on this after we read the whole thing. But I just wanted to get that out there for now. But we just wanted to let you know that Ted Wells is a chiseler who probably would reach a conclusion that would keep the Deflategate argument going strong so that the NFL would continue to have a villain. Probably.

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