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So apparently Alabama has some tradition where all the fans run across Bryant-Denny Stadium to line up for Nick Saban’s autograph, or whoever the coach of the Alabama football team is that year. Because in Alabama everything else is going great, so they can afford to have a football team where the coach makes $7 million and fourth graders can’t tie their own shoes.

Well, this is pretty much the greatest day ever for fat bastards. This event is like a showcase of Alabama’s sweet, beautiful obesity. Get a load of these amazing creatures in their element:

This guy obviously loves Alabama football. He was gonna go to school there too, but then he found out it required a high school degree. Fuck that shit. Football!!!!

Then there’s this fat bastard:

This guy’s obviously done his summer training for this intense physical exercise. 100 yard sprints aren’t easy when you’re carrying an umbrella and you have to care for your yoga instructor of a wife.

Then there’s this family:

Apparently the plan for this family was to hit up the early bird at Denny’s, smash down a few grand slams, take a few roll tide dumps, buy a bunch of overpriced crap from the “bookstore” and then race down to have Nick Saban scribble his name on it. Hey kids, first one to Coach Saban gets to go to college. LOL, just kidding. You have to work at the car wash.

Then there’s this model of fitness:

See this kid? He’s the reason Michelle Obama ruined school lunch. Barely beating grandma in an all out sprint while carrying a plastic bag full of crap – also known as an Alabama lunch box.

Grandma didn’t finish in last though:

I guess this is the Hampton Beach version of the Gulf of Mexico. And it would appear that these girls just waited outside the stadium all day with no shoes on, which isn’t all that surprising since Alabama is essentially a third world country.

You gotta be a pretty big dumbass to wait several days in line like these morons did. Not really surprising though. After all, in this state they call Forrest Gump “the smart one.” I haven’t seen hillbillies run like that since Black Friday at Walmart. Thank God no one in Alabama has a stupid job they have to go to, so they can all afford to spend their entire day waiting for a signature from a coach who doesn’t give two shits about them.

Finally they reach the Promised Land and get the signature of an overpaid millionaire who rides the back of fast, athletic, gigantic 18-22 year olds who are being paid nothing:

Reading a Nick Saban signature is by far the most reading and writing people in Alabama have seen in years.

I’m sorry but it’s 2014. If you’re still getting autographs then you’re a dumbass. These people most likely calculated their 12% tip at IHOP using an abacus. Newsflash fat bastards – the selfie has replaced the autograph. It’s a million times better and more authentic. Instead of having a piece of memorabilia with a name that no one can make out or verify, you can have a photo of yourself with the same person whose signature you desire. It lasts forever. Like if you meet Rob Gronkowski at an airport while on the way to a bachelor party in Dallas. Or if you meet Benjarvus Green-Ellis in an elevator in Buffalo. Don’t ask them for their signature. Get a selfie ya dingleberry. Those guys can’t spell, but they LOVE taking pictures.

Oh yea, and the last time we wrote about fat bastards, a bunch of people (very likely fat bastards themselves) complained that I was being mean to fat bastards. Hey chunkster, get over yourself. I have zero pity for people that wallow in their own fatness. I have a lot of friends that are fat bastards, but none of them complain about it because they know they did it to themselves. Instead of whining about people who laugh at the hilarity of all that blubber flying everywhere, try getting off your ass and running a few 100 meter repeats, like these fat bastards.

Last thing is I’ll leave you with is this amazing video of the running of the fat bastards, dubbed over with the audio from Auburn’s last second kick return to beat Alabama in the Iron Bowl last year. Enjoy:

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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