As Much Of A Dooshnozzle As Walter Palmer Is, Cecil The Lion Was Probably A Huge Asshole Too

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How much does it suck to be Walter Palmer right now? He’s the Minnesota dentist who killed celebrity lion Cecil on an illegal poaching trip to Zimbabwe recently. Everyone’s talking about. Jimmy Kimmel even dedicated his monologue to Cecil and almost started crying last night. Evidently this guy paid $55,000 to kill a trophy lion, in what he was under the impression was a legal hunt. And he does this all the time. He kills all types of big game shit. Because Murica.


Look, Walter Palmer is obviously a lowlife and a criminal, but the outrage is insanely over the top. If you’ve even a Big Mac in the last year and you’re pretending to be mad about this, just go and stick your head in a blender. Because I promise you that what Cecil the lion went through doesn’t come close to comparing what your chicken nuggets did. I mean, what the fuck is going on here people? Why is it all of a sudden acceptable to do shit like this?

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Hey Walter, I could’ve told you after Chatham Sharkgate, that you NEVER, EVER wish harm upon a predator. The Internet will destroy your life. But at least we didn’t shoot a crossbow at a lion in a zone where hunting is prohibited and then track it for 40 miles until it entered a legal zone and finished it off. That’s cheating.

Look, I’m thinking the same thing most people are thinking when they heard this – who the hell gets their jollies from paying $50,000 to kill the king of the jungle? I could think of a million other things I could do with that money, most of which involve an epic bender at Hurricane Betty’s. And all of these other things I could do with that money sounds a lot better than killing an animal who doesn’t have a chance to fight back. At least if you’re gonna kill a lion, you should have to do it with a rock like cavemen used to do.

Here’s my question though – why is he taking all the blame for this? Why isn’t anyone going after the “guides” who took his money and profited off of this dumbass white boy? I mean, as much as I will never understand why people like Walter Palmer do what they do, he’s ultimately low on the poaching food chain. It’s like going after the drug addict instead of the dealer. He’s just a customer.

Here’s the thing though. All these people who are so outraged don’t know shit about lions. This Turtleboy is pretty much a lion expert. I spend at least 10 hours a week watching wild African animal documentaries on Youtube because nature is fascinating. So I can tell you in no uncertain terms, that male lions are the biggest assholes in the wild.

It’s true. They are selfish, narcissistic misogynists by nature. And female lions outnumber male lions 7 to 1 in the world because male lions all kill each other. Blaming hunters for male lion deaths is like blaming police for murder rates in urban areas. You’re ignoring the real problem. Lion on lion violence is the real problem plaguing African safari communities.

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Here’s what happens in the life of a male lion. Life is good when they’re born. They get to play and do their thing. Then when puberty comes they find out how fucked they are for being born with a penis. Because all of a sudden the one or two male lions in their pride kicks them out. Ya got that? They get banished from their families because they’re growing manes.

Why? Because the dominant males of the pride don’t wanna share all that hot tail. Because they’re selfish. Then the banished males form prides of renegades with the other rejects and they usually die from a lack of food. If they luck out they come across a pride with an older dominant male lion, and they kill him. Then the four or five renegades realize that only one of them gets to live and they all kill each other so they don’t have to share all the hot tail they just usurped. All these lions right here are loser lions:


Being a predator isn’t easy either. Lions have to eat a ton of food to survive, and they have to do it often. The problem is that there’s no Market Basket on the savannah and animals don’t just line up and let you kill them. Most prey are faster than lions too. So as a result, most lions actually die from starvation. That’s why I never feel bad for the prey – they can eat grass to survive. Life is easy. Carnivores are cursed with having to earn their food.

So when a bunch of lions go a week or so without food before finally killing a wildebeest, guess who eats first? You guessed it – Casanova. Think he gives a fuck if he doesn’t leave any left overs? Nope. Not his problem. He needs food because he has a long day of sleeping and banging ahead of him.

Just watch this:

What an asshole.

Then there’s the cubs. They all have to die. Because when a new male lion takes over a pride, he wants to mate. And lionesses don’t need any more mouths to feed, so they’re pretty resistant at first. The solution? Kill all their cubs. Obviously the moms put up a fight, but if they lose then for some reason they bang the new guy who just killed their children, and pop out a few more. It’s like every trailer park in America.


Cecil leaves behind three sister wives in his pride and six cubs. All of the cubs are about to die too, because some dooshnozzle male lion is gonna come along and murder them so that he can bang their moms. More than likely Cecil has killed a few cubs himself to get to where he is.

But for whatever reason the Internet has the back of this lazy, misogynistic, selfish baby killer. Probably because the guy who killed him is a dentist. Everyone hates dentists.

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8 Comment(s)
  • July 30, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    Good points TB, and as always, gutsy.

  • oneopinion
    July 30, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Witch doctors sacrifice children in Zimbabwe but the world is more concerned about a lion. Witch doctors are probably making Cecil into a potion which will be sold to a bunch of morons who believe that it will cure their impotence.

  • mousy
    July 30, 2015 at 10:43 am

    This guy should hook up with that vet who killed her neighbor’s cat. He just flew to another country and paid a buttload of money to do the same thing.

  • GoneWest
    July 30, 2015 at 8:49 am

    This is the same story that came out a last year about that Texas smokeshow cheerleader Kendall Jones. Let’s face it, there are worse hobbies that people could have. Ask the Bergs

  • July 30, 2015 at 7:23 am

    Bro do you even big mac?

  • Finnish Goalie
    July 30, 2015 at 7:05 am

    Everyone watched the Lion King, and are now ecology experts.

    I can think of a lot of better ways to spend that much money, but I believe those funds are used largely for preservation of the species and the park itself. Of course, Zimbabwe is corrupt as hell and Mugabe has destroyed everything, so I am sure this idiot got played. It is hilarious that the government wants him for trial.

  • thibby
    July 30, 2015 at 6:36 am

    put em up, put em up. i dare ya. just need a little courage. roarrrrrrrrr………….

  • Ted
    July 30, 2015 at 6:27 am

    The man hired 2 guides to go out on a hunt. The guides did not get the correct permits and they brought him out of the legal zone to hunt. None of the meat went to waste. If it was a trophy hunt and the kill was discarded. I would be outraged. The meat goes to the locals to consume. It is not like he entered the country illegally and snuck into a preserve. I enjoy reading your website very much.

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