Bangor Dumbass Steals Credit Card, Immediately Buys Chicago Bulls Flat Brim Hat Because This Is The New Uniform For Dooshnozzles


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Yesterday we asked our readers what some good police Facebook pages are to follow. One that lots of people mentioned was the Bangor, ME Police Department, which somehow has over 160,000 followers!! Thanks for the tip, because this page is hilarious. And one of the first stories we noticed proved something that we’ve been saying for a long time now – a Chicago Bulls flat brimmed baseball hat is quickly becoming the international calling card for the local dooshnozzle who will never, ever leave town. It all started a couple days ago when they posted this:

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Of course he did!!! What’s the first thing some lowlife does when they rob a house and take your credit cards? They go right to Lids to find the ugliest Goddamn Chicago Bulls hat they can possibly find. Zero point zero percent chance he took the stickers off either.

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Turtleboy is the Bangor, Maine Police Department? I recognize that writing style anywhere.

They’re right about buying a Red Sox hat, but they also could’ve said, “any hat but a Chicago Bulls flat brimmed hat.” Because wearing one of those things is the new saggy pants. Your ass is gonna get profiled if the cops see you rocking one of those things, and rightfully so because you’re probably a failed rapper junkie with a bad Voke-stache. Just check out some of these winners we’ve written about in the last few weeks alone:

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All with the same freaking hat. God criminals are dumb. Turtleboy pities the fool who stole a credit card, and the first place they go to is the place with all the cameras. Like they aren’t gonna be following the purchases your dumbass makes with that credit card.

P.S. How are we in 2016 and this is the best quality we can get from a camera?


That looks like 99% of Webster. Seriously, we can get perfectly clear pictures of our reactions on a ride at Disney World but we can’t get a basic polaroid of some dooshnozzle standing perfectly still three feet from a camera.


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9 Comment(s)
  • Reddog
    June 26, 2016 at 11:19 pm

    Still can’t get over the pic of the girl wearing a carpet.

  • Soon-To-Be Ex-turtle rider
    June 25, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    Do you have to work an insult in to Webster residents with every fucking article? There are many nice parts of this town and frankly, I’m sick and tired of your fucked-up references, painting us all as drug-addled degenerates.

    I enjoy reading your blog and Facebook posts, but the constant barrage of insults to Webster residents, of which I am one, really makes me wonder if you realize you’re aliening many good, decent, hard-working people that don’t deserve your insults.

    Lay off the negative Webster remarks. Seriously.

    • Turd Burglestein
      June 25, 2016 at 3:52 pm

      Lol…your city was named after a short black kid who had a stupid 80’s sitcom.

    • Wabbitt
      June 25, 2016 at 7:28 pm

      As a Webster resident, I’m going to guess that you’re one of the rich fucks with a big house by the lake who doesn’t go anywhere west of 395.

      Webster’s REAL nice if you put on blinders and ignore the shitty half.

      • Chamber Packet
        June 25, 2016 at 8:45 pm

        The shitty 95% you mean.

    • Paul
      June 26, 2016 at 7:28 am

      There are nice parts of webster?? I would like to see them. Does he mean the abandoned mini mall where kmart is? Or maybe down by railroad ave? Wish he would have enlightened us.

    • Hgfg
      June 27, 2016 at 2:13 pm

      Lifelong South-Oxford resident here
      Your town sucks shit. It is the worst place and really depressing and everyone is sketchy. I know the town is TRYING, since now only *half* of South Main is abandoned, but it has long way to go before “nice” can be used to describe Webster.

  • Joe Max
    June 25, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    The Bangor cops have it going on. The WPD could learn a lesson from them, lighten-up on Facebook and get the attention from the young-bloods !

  • Wabbitt
    June 25, 2016 at 1:09 pm

    Remember a few years ago when every shithead was rocking the Yankees gear? My how times have changed.

    One constant though – if you keep the sticker on and the brim flat, you’re probably a complete douche canoe.

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