Sports

Barstool Sports, Protest, Sit-In, Arrests At NFL Headquarters Has Left Turtleboy Extremely Butthurt

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I wanna take this time to address Barstool Sports. A lot of them we hear butthurt Turtle haters complain that Turtleboy Sports is a Barstool rip off. Asinine. Barstool and Turtleboy have totally different niches. Barstool is succesful because they focus on asses and boobs. We’re successful because we focus on content and hot takes. Huge difference. Their audience is college aged drunkards and they cater to them by writing 50 word, brotastic takes on anything. Our audience is dignified, classy, and family oriented. Barstool owns the Boston media. Turtleboy owns the Worcester media. But it’s only a matter of time until we stake our rightful claim as the only blog that matters in Massachusetts.

But I gotta admit, Dave “El Pres” Portnoy, the founder of Barstool Sports, is a master of his craft and I’m insanely butthurt about it. Yesterday we called for a hippie blockade of the highways, airports, and major intersections around Worcester to protest the miscarriage of justice handed down to Tom Brady. We should’ve known better that these frauds would never rise up against REAL injustice. Portnoy realized the hippies were useless today and took matters into his own hands.

El Pres and three of his click baiters went outside of the NFL headquarters in Midtown Manhattan and held picket signs:

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Then they went inside and conducted a sit-in, by handcuffing themselves together and refusing to leave until they had a meeting with Roger Goodell:

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Then they were asked if they were willing to go to jail for this, and they said yes. So they called in the NYFD to break the cuffs, and then they called in Derek Jeter to put on new cuffs:

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And they all went to jail where they will spend the night:

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I tip my hat to you Portnoy. This was epic. Truly legendary. Hey Kevin Ksen, Sonya Conner, RBG, and Julius Jones – this is what real protesters do. They accept getting arrested for something worth getting arrested for. But you naniburger frauds cry and whine that the city of Worcester is bullying you for bringing you to court for a slap on the wrist after you illegally blockaded Kelley Square for four minutes.

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You held a Goddamn rally outside of the City Council meeting to protest the fact that you’re gonna have to pay $50 in court fees. The same City Council who offered to drop the charges if you pinky swore that you wouldn’t blockade traffic ever again. You gave the public no warning about your blockade and ran away as soon as it was over. These guys called up Felger and Mazz at 2:30 to let the whole world know about what they were fighting for. You literally just got shown up by four guys in Tom Brady jerseys. Take a lap hippies.

I wanna hate these guys because I know at the end of the day Turtleboy is a vastly superior product to Barstool, but I can’t. Portnoy is just too fucking good at marketing. This was pure fucking genius. Nothing less. Ever since they got arrested at 3:00 I can’t stop thinking about how dumb we were not to have been down there rocking a Turtlboy #12 T-shirt. We even have the same initials as Tom Brady. FML.

Turtleboy would have been headline news across the country. Instead we’re sitting here cranking out blogs about Florida Man and buttnut parents from New Jersey. We fucked up and I take full responsibility for it. Mrs. Turtleboy keeps reminding me that she wouldn’t have let me and my friends go anyway because Turtleboy Jr. had a playdate with that little goober kid down the street. But I dream.

On top of that, this was the only moral thing to do in this situation. The only way to confront injustice anywhere is to use non-violent passive resistance. Roger Goodell is a communist on a power trip. He knows no checks and balances. He rules with an iron fist. And the only way to confront him is through stuff like this. You must confront him directly. You must draw attention to the cause. You must be willing to go to jail for the cause. Goodell probably had never heard of Barstool Sports before today. Now he has. But it could’ve Turtleboy. We gotta outdo these dooshnozzles. Now taking ideas.

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18 Comment(s)
  • TurtleBoySpurts
    May 14, 2015 at 5:09 am

    These gentlemen are goddamn heroes??? Ah, if only all of you misogynistic Turtlebots would take to the streets in such fashion to protest the NFL’s continued weak response to the rapists and domestic abusers in their midst. Where’s Turtlegirl speaking up about this? I wonder how she feels about all of the manly men here who care far more about being ass-licking fanboys than they’ve ever cared about the plight of women.

    • Finnish Goalie
      May 14, 2015 at 9:54 am

      I actually click every article now just to see your response.

      Dedication.

      • TurtleBoySpurts
        May 14, 2015 at 12:11 pm

        Awesome! I almost never read your shit.

        • Finnish Goalie
          May 14, 2015 at 1:38 pm

          Almost never?

          Semi-regular following? I’ll take it for the 10 minutes on average I scroll here.

    • BobnMic
      May 16, 2015 at 2:03 am

      Is there any chance in this whole wide world that you could go fuck yourself just because you can? I mean you can right? It seems obvious so stick a banana or a fucking hammer in your ass and run around happy you idiot.

  • BobnMic
    May 13, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    In addition to an awesome protest, what Barstool Sports really did was to promote themselves. A creative marketing scheme but I was thinking bigger along with making the same kind of noise, advertising TBS and at the same time helping out someone or an organization. I was thinking of a giant rally at one or more of TBS sponsors working out a deal that proceeds of some sort can go to one of four of Tom Brady’s charities. Tom Brady’s Best Buddies Challenge would be a good one.

    “Best Buddies is an important organization with a great message to share, and I am so proud to support their work,” said Tom Brady. “I hope my role as Honorary Co-Chair will continue to bring attention to the organization’s mission of friendship and inclusion for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities across the world.”

    The venue (s) I was thinking about were, The Union Tavern, Bennies Cafe’, Pepe’s, or any of the other businesses that advertise with TBS here to be a part of a central MA protest to “Free Brady” while helping one of Tom Brady’s causes. I don’t think we’ll get arrested doing this either. We are not all college kids. Many of us have careers, families and mortgages.

    • Chris Curtis
      May 13, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      I like it a lot. Let me see what we can do.

      • BobnMic
        May 13, 2015 at 2:14 pm

        Thanks TB. I thought you may view this to be interesting at the very least.

  • SeaTurtle
    May 13, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    Tip the hat and ride on.

  • Clean Hippie
    May 13, 2015 at 10:35 am

    If it’s any consolation, this is the first I’m hearing of it, so I wouldn’t exactly call it “headline news”.

  • Adam
    May 13, 2015 at 7:50 am

    Portnoy’s one call was not to his lawyer, but to his staff to make sure they were printing up “free Brady” t-shirts. Respect the hustle.

  • May 13, 2015 at 7:21 am

    Viva

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    May 13, 2015 at 6:51 am

    I’m not a patriots fan by any stretch of the imagination, but that took balls and deserves respect. It also shows those worthless, pussifed, idiotic hippies how real protesters behave. Man up faggots!

  • SUL
    May 13, 2015 at 3:07 am

    Highly doubt they spend the night in jail, more like a $40 bail

  • John
    May 13, 2015 at 1:25 am

    I don’t read Barstool Sports, but these gentlemen are god damn heroes for doing this. Tommy should take Donald Trumps’ advice and sue the NFL and Roger Goodell for defamation of character.

  • RSoxguy
    May 12, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    LOL these guys are going to jail in NY with Pats gear on LOLOLOLOLOL

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      May 12, 2015 at 11:26 pm

      You have to admire the massive set of brass balls adorning each of them. Going to jail, in New York, in Pats gear, for protesting Tom Brady’s suspension. They’re going to have a rough night. But I still salute them.

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