I wanna take this time to address Barstool Sports. A lot of them we hear butthurt Turtle haters complain that Turtleboy Sports is a Barstool rip off. Asinine. Barstool and Turtleboy have totally different niches. Barstool is succesful because they focus on asses and boobs. We’re successful because we focus on content and hot takes. Huge difference. Their audience is college aged drunkards and they cater to them by writing 50 word, brotastic takes on anything. Our audience is dignified, classy, and family oriented. Barstool owns the Boston media. Turtleboy owns the Worcester media. But it’s only a matter of time until we stake our rightful claim as the only blog that matters in Massachusetts.
But I gotta admit, Dave “El Pres” Portnoy, the founder of Barstool Sports, is a master of his craft and I’m insanely butthurt about it. Yesterday we called for a hippie blockade of the highways, airports, and major intersections around Worcester to protest the miscarriage of justice handed down to Tom Brady. We should’ve known better that these frauds would never rise up against REAL injustice. Portnoy realized the hippies were useless today and took matters into his own hands.
El Pres and three of his click baiters went outside of the NFL headquarters in Midtown Manhattan and held picket signs:
Then they went inside and conducted a sit-in, by handcuffing themselves together and refusing to leave until they had a meeting with Roger Goodell:
Then they were asked if they were willing to go to jail for this, and they said yes. So they called in the NYFD to break the cuffs, and then they called in Derek Jeter to put on new cuffs:
And they all went to jail where they will spend the night:
I tip my hat to you Portnoy. This was epic. Truly legendary. Hey Kevin Ksen, Sonya Conner, RBG, and Julius Jones – this is what real protesters do. They accept getting arrested for something worth getting arrested for. But you naniburger frauds cry and whine that the city of Worcester is bullying you for bringing you to court for a slap on the wrist after you illegally blockaded Kelley Square for four minutes.
You held a Goddamn rally outside of the City Council meeting to protest the fact that you’re gonna have to pay $50 in court fees. The same City Council who offered to drop the charges if you pinky swore that you wouldn’t blockade traffic ever again. You gave the public no warning about your blockade and ran away as soon as it was over. These guys called up Felger and Mazz at 2:30 to let the whole world know about what they were fighting for. You literally just got shown up by four guys in Tom Brady jerseys. Take a lap hippies.
I wanna hate these guys because I know at the end of the day Turtleboy is a vastly superior product to Barstool, but I can’t. Portnoy is just too fucking good at marketing. This was pure fucking genius. Nothing less. Ever since they got arrested at 3:00 I can’t stop thinking about how dumb we were not to have been down there rocking a Turtlboy #12 T-shirt. We even have the same initials as Tom Brady. FML.
Turtleboy would have been headline news across the country. Instead we’re sitting here cranking out blogs about Florida Man and buttnut parents from New Jersey. We fucked up and I take full responsibility for it. Mrs. Turtleboy keeps reminding me that she wouldn’t have let me and my friends go anyway because Turtleboy Jr. had a playdate with that little goober kid down the street. But I dream.
On top of that, this was the only moral thing to do in this situation. The only way to confront injustice anywhere is to use non-violent passive resistance. Roger Goodell is a communist on a power trip. He knows no checks and balances. He rules with an iron fist. And the only way to confront him is through stuff like this. You must confront him directly. You must draw attention to the cause. You must be willing to go to jail for the cause. Goodell probably had never heard of Barstool Sports before today. Now he has. But it could’ve Turtleboy. We gotta outdo these dooshnozzles. Now taking ideas.