Biggest Dooshnozzle Ever Proposes In Front Of Bride On Her Wedding Day

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So this picture of some poopsmooch proposing to his girlfriend at a wedding is going viral:

Screen Shot 2015-05-28 at 5.33.27 PM

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the biggest dooshnozzle who has ever lived. This man embodies everything that is horrible about everything. I mean, what kind of buttnut plans out his proposal at someone else’s wedding, DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF the bride? Look at the table in front of the bride. He put his Goddamn Corona, that SHE is most likely paying for, directly in front of her so that he could completely steal her thunder. It’s like, “I know it’s your big day and all, but I’m gonna turn it into my big day. Now hold my beer, wench.”

The biggest reason this guy is a dooshnozzle is the fact that he took someone else’s big day and turned it into his big day. Anyone who has ever spent any time with a woman before knows that you don’t fuck with a bride on her wedding day. Ever. That’s why it costs $50,000 to have a three hour party. That is how much money it costs to purchase a day in which everyone tells you how pretty you are and treats you like you’re royalty.

Then this asshat comes along with his two sizes too large shirt, and his dumbass grin, and usurps the bride’s big day. Have you noticed how tight her dress is? Do you understand how long it probably took her to wedge those honches into that thing? Do you realize she hasn’t exhaled for two and half hours? I mean, just look at the bride’s face. That is what an “I am going to murder you in your sleep” smile looks like.

I’m just wondering why this girl said yes. Did she just reach the point of her life where her ovaries are one step closer to expiration and she realized that this was as good as it was gonna get? Because who would ever wanna hitch their wagon to someone with such poor judgement? Unless your parents left the cabinet under the kitchen sink unlocked when you were a toddler, you know damn well not to fuck with the bridge on her wedding day. Personally, I stay clear of all brides at weddings for fear of not complimenting them in the right way.

But by the grace of God this numbnuts has gone 30 something years without getting the memo. Who could EVER wanna marry someone with such little common sense?

The funny part about it is he probably thought he was being Mr. Swa-vay. I mean, what better place to propose to the love of your life than at a place where love blooms. He thought every woman in that place would say, “awwww, that’s so romantic” and secretly wish they were the ones getting proposed to. In reality, every single woman at that wedding wanted to rip his oversized fluorescant blue shirt off and shove it directly up his ass.

The couple, who is only identified as being from Iowa, has come up with a story to justify their idiocy. The woman in pink who was proposed to is the sister of the bride. She’s trying to say that it was all the bride’s idea:

“My fiancé told her he didn’t want to ruin their day and she insisted it would only make it better!”

YYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Anyone who believes that has fallen for at least three Nigerian email scams. First of all, there’s no way a bride would EVER agree to that. But more importantly, even if this nudnik did have the indecency to approach the bride with his idiotic proposal scheme, he should’ve realized that any answer she gave him wouldn’t be honest. Obviously she was just being polite, but on the inside she hated this asshat’s guts for even having the minerals to ask her that. Now she’s stuck with him on every Christmas for an eternity.

I suppose since the genius sister actually believed her too, that these two morons were meant to spend eternity with each other.

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28 Comment(s)
  • Maggie the Cat
    June 2, 2015 at 7:24 am

    Is it possible to register an “automatic disagree” with everything “Spurts” says? That would save me a lot of time and also help my stomach because I wouldn’t have to read his stupid comments, which make me sick.

    In other news. beauty doesn’t last; but intelligence does.

    And…weddings are such a hassle that if I wanted to get married in today’s world, I’d elope and have a party later.

  • TurtleBoySpurts
    May 30, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Seems the only people outraged over this entire situation are TB and the Turtlebots. But hey, it was sure to bring out the full-throated misogynistic comments from all of the Turtlebullies, which is, of course, the whole purpose of TBS. Mark called it exactly right in his comments above. He’s apparently new here and doesn’t realize this is what you fucktards live for day in and day out here.

    • True Reality Speaks
      May 30, 2015 at 10:58 am

      I love when posers find new words in the dictionary and then use them incorrectly to try to pretend they are intelligent. What’s even funnier is that when using their false talking ponts ad nauseum they don’t realize how foolish they appear – and continue to beat a dead horse like other one trick pony extremists like Old Balls and Clive.

      Here’s to TB – whose blog baits these frauds to crawl out from under their rocks and reveal themselves for our amusement.

      • TurtleBoySpurts
        May 30, 2015 at 11:48 am

        Aw, Chan, you haven’t changed a bit since the T&G days, ol’ boy. At least here, though, I can point out that you’re among the fucktards I was referring to. Cheers!

  • Shady Sadie
    May 29, 2015 at 5:33 pm

    Mark –
    You sound very but hurt, not sure why you’re taking this blog so personal, it’s fun hearing the real side of current topics. I love that turtle boy exposes people for what they really are! Keep going TB, we ❤️you!

  • COB
    May 29, 2015 at 11:01 am

    Nothing wrong with being a chubby chaser! Fat girls are better in bed, due to their insatiable appetites! 😀

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      May 29, 2015 at 12:01 pm

      Yeah, but then in the am you have to chew your arm off shes been sleeping on to make your get away. That kind of sucks.

  • Mark
    May 29, 2015 at 10:26 am

    You all are children. Nothing better to do than make fun of fat people and assume you know the story behind a photograph. I’m going to start a 3rd rate blog where I blast everyone for the kind of shit you hear in Elementary schools across the US. Then I’m going to hide behind anonymity because I’m a giant pussy. Every once in a while I’ll call out local people and publish personal facts about them… but still, because I’m a hypocrite (on top of being a pussy) I will continue to live in anonymity.

    When anyone says anything bad about me, I will try to ruin them… because even though I’m a pussy, I’m not too much of a pussy to send an anonymous letter or two.

    You are a giant piece of shit “turtle boy.”

    • Strong Bad
      May 29, 2015 at 12:50 pm

      Mark, sorry your proposal is getting slammed. Try another location if you ever have to do it again.

  • Rumpis
    May 28, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    Weddings are so over rated…especially with such high divorce rates…Weddings are never about the bride and groom, its about th union of family and friends…maybe the energy was really good and he felt like he could finally do it. Poor judgment, yes…but honestly people need to get over themselves …and they need to stop spending so much money on weddings they probably can’t afford just to get divorced 5-10yrs later..

    • Danus
      May 29, 2015 at 5:48 am

      Justice of the Peace to make it Legal, and then have it blessed if you wish. Have a party afterwards for your friends and family.

    • RJ
      May 29, 2015 at 6:38 am

      I don’t know if going into a marriage with the idea “I’m going to go cheap on the wedding because the marriage will only last 5 years” is the best attitude.

  • kiewi
    May 28, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    Bride’s got it all planned out… at their wedding she’ll announce to everyone she’s pregnant!

    • Wabbitt
      May 28, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      Let the game of marital brinksmanship commence.

  • jay
    May 28, 2015 at 7:10 pm

    Am I the only one who doesn’t remember anything from that blog except the massive tatas exploding from the brides top? Seriously. Boobsplosion of volcanboob hot melting boobma everywhere
    There also appears to be an almost empty bottle of boub in front of the ohh too happy groom.

  • Bright
    May 28, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Why is that clueless soon wearing a dress tucked into his pants? That’s the real crime here.

  • Kate Bowen
    May 28, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    Let’s focus on the real issue here which has nothing to do with weight! Your a dooshnozle for mentioning that to be the issue here! He proposed in front of the bride on her wedding day! I would have been embarressed if I was her.

  • Shady Sadie
    May 28, 2015 at 6:06 pm

    Why do you have to poke fun of the fat chick? Besides the fact she has poor judgement in who she’s going to marry, so did Kim Kardashian and Brittney Spears. Why do guys “settle” for fat chicks? Just because someone is overweight doesn’t make them less of a person you knob. Seriously- no one wants to be a fat chick. So being alone stroking it to porn hub in your moms basement would be a better alternative to being with a woman who may be your total soul mate but..oh no wait.. She’s got a few extra pounds. Can’t be seen with that. Pretty shallow, but to each his own. Signed – Hannibal’s wife.

    • Tom
      May 28, 2015 at 6:11 pm

      If by “a few extra pounds” you mean about 75-100 , then you have a valid point. And everyone knows youporm is far superior to pornhub

  • BobnMic
    May 28, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    According to Merriam Webster, common sense is about exercising “sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts.” That was missing here. BIG TIME!

    • JayC
      May 28, 2015 at 11:18 pm

      The move by that clown, at that place and time, is definitely cringeworthy.

  • Tom
    May 28, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    This guy clearly has poor judgement. Choosing to spend the rest of your miserable life with that monstrosity was his biggest mistake, doing it at another wedding is bad… But in a few months no one will care. In a few years he will understand the true horror he has caused himself.

    • Tom
      May 28, 2015 at 5:51 pm

      I don’t want to hear ” im sure she’s a wonderful person” either. So was the poor woman she ate for breakfast! Where are the hippie protesters demanding justice for the devoured when you need them?! #cannibalisedLivesMatter

      • Capt. Obvious
        May 28, 2015 at 5:55 pm

        What do you have against hamplanets?

  • Factman
    May 28, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    First world problems

  • Lazlo
    May 28, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Someone help me understand, why do guys settle for bitchy fat chicks?

    • WormtownorBust
      May 29, 2015 at 8:21 am

      Scarcity mentality.

    • Finnish Goalie
      May 29, 2015 at 12:53 pm

      What would you prefer? A stick?

      Everyone has their own tastes, and you can lose weight if and when you choose.

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