Check out more hot takes from Dubsism
If you’ve been following Turtleboy Sports since our inception a year ago then you know that we’ve rubbed some people the wrong way from time to time. It’s an unfortunate side effect of hot takes. However, by far the biggest group of butthurt Turtleboy counterrevolutionaries are Buffalo Bills fans, or as they call themselves “Bills Mafia.” The hatred these people have for the New England Patriots would put English soccer hooligans to shame. The threatening letter that we just got a hold of, directed at a person who they mistakingly believe to have written a blog about them, is all the evidence you will need to prove that Bills fans are the most offensive, loathsome creatures in all of sports.
When the Patriots went up to Orchard Park, NY for their annual whooping of the NFL’s biggest joke of a franchise, several Turtleboy Sports writers took the annual trip up there and watched as Tom Brady beat the NFL’s Bad News Bears for the 23rd time in 25 tries. I was at the game and brought my camera along to document what the atmosphere is like in Ralph Wilson Stadium. The tailgate went as it usually did – Bills Mafia tried tipping over the port-a-potty with me in it as I filmed it. Then after calling us a variety of really fun words meant to degrade our sexuality, we got some good video of a grizzled Buffalo babe destroying our megaphone and attacking us after losing a game of flip cup. It was awesome.
Unfortunately iPhones suck for battery and my phone died before we went into the game. So one of my buddies ended up taping what went on inside the stadium during the game. It went exactly as you thought it would. They called us homos, threw shit at us when we cheered for the Patriots, and threatened to kick our asses!! And all because their team lost to our team. Again.
We ended up leaving the stadium after it was done and I put together a blog that combined my videos and the videos taken from inside the stadium. The blog went viral in Buffalo, getting over 100,000 page views in a couple of days. We were all the rage in the upstate New York, and by the I mean they wanted to find out who wrote it and burn them at the stake as a sacrifice to the Gods, hoping that it would appease them and let them make the playoffs sometime in the next ten years.
They also didn’t think it was nice that we taped them while they called us “faggots” and assaulted us. But the main reason we taped them in the stadium was because it magically got them to stop throwing batteries and food at us. Funny how no one wants to be a tough guy anymore when they’re on camera.
Apparently many in Bills Mafia didn’t like the way they came across so they started making up stories about what we were doing to try to make their behavior come across as slightly more reasonable. And when rumors get circulated and repeated enough they tend to magically turn into facts. So some genius aspiring blogger named James Kriger wrote a bunch of scathing articles about how terrible we were based on scientific evidence, like reading things people wrote on Facebook.
Then some other internet sleuths came to the conclusion that they knew who “Turtleboy” was. Of course as you know, there is no “Turtleboy.” There’s been over a dozen people who have contributed to this website under that pen name. Nevertheless they started directing a pretty vicious campaign, not at me, but at the person the several people they came to the conclusion wrote the blog. They started getting death threats, and other people in our party started getting outed and got harassed for several weeks.
Then they kicked it up a notch and started to contact our wives and told them we got hookers up there. They called all of our places of business and told whoever answered the phone that they were employing sexual predators. It got pretty ugly. So we stopped blogging for two weeks in late October to let everyone clean up this mess and set the record straight and took down the blog in question. We basically became the Salman Rushdie of Patriots fans and Turtleboy Sports of course was their version of The Satanic Verses. Despite this fatwa everyone who was victimized by these morons ended up clearing their names.
Since then we kind of reformatted. Turtleboy Sports used to be a WordPress.com blog, meaning WordPress owned the website. They could shut it down whenever they felt like it and we weren’t allowed to solicit advertisers or anything like that. Legally WordPress owned everything that was ever written on Turtleboy Sports up until that point. Since then we’ve gone self-hosted and incorporated Turtleboy Digital Marketing LLC. The writers names (mine included) are still not associated with the company in order to ensure that hot takes from our bloggers still come out without fear of retribution from Bills Mafia and angry Ferguson protesters.
Yesterday the person who they’ve chosen to direct most of their vitriol at received a threatening letter in the mail and he sent me a picture of it:
Has Microsoft Word not made it’s way up to Buffalo yet? Because it would seem that this letter was written on your grandmother’s typewriter. My favorite part is when they tell us to have a Merry Christmas and tell this guy to send his wife away for the “Holidays,” both of which have already happened by the time we got a hold of this. That’s probably because in classic Buffalo style they completely butchered Worcester in the address:
If you couldn’t read the picture of the letter, we’ve transcribed it for you. What these nudnkis wrote in the letter is in italics and our commentary follows each paragraph:
Well yesterday the Buffalo Bills season came to an official close. Now I and approx. 200 of my dearest friends have tickets to a meaningless football game in Boston next Sunday. Fortunately you have given our trip a purpose. Do not confuse the Buffalo Bills Mafia with that blogging nitwit James Kriger. We are real Bills fans that travel the Country supporting our team and showing our civic pride in Buffalo.
I can’t wait until this guy and his 200 imaginary friends go to Boston on Sunday looking for Gillette Stadium. There’s no better way to show your civic pride in Buffalo than to go and watch the Patriots play the Bills at Fenway Park.
You sir, came to Buffalo, sat in section 310, row 19, seat 1, and acted like a complete ass. The way you acted to a young lady who did nothing to you was uncalled for. Now sir you will pay for your actions. We will be up to visit you at. (redacted) is going to be the place to party this weekend. Pre-game tailgate party on your lawn Sunday is part of the agenda.
First of all, these dingleberries need a lesson about harassment. You NEVER give the person you’re attempting to harass a warning letter that you’re gonna get them if you’re serious about your craft. Gives them too much time to prepare. That’s what separates the real terrorists from North Korea. Oh yea, and that young lady and her friends didn’t do ANYTHING to us except throw everything but the kitchen sink at us every time the Patriots got a first down. Then once the cameras started rolling they magically didn’t have as much to say or throw anymore. Funny how that happens.
Please when we come around pull out your cell phone and start to video tape us for your blog. It is our understanding that you do have world class medical facilities in Boston that should be able to remove it from where we place it.
Yes, in Massachusetts we do have excellent hospitals, even when hippies try to stop ambulances from getting to them. We also have other cool things that you don’t have up there in Buffalo, like sunshine and jobs.
Your Facebook picture of you and your wife is very cute. She might however want to spend the Holidays with relatives. It would only be fair if we take turns taking pictures of her and spreading them all over cyber-space. After all, you obviously think it is OK to take pictures of innocent people and make derogatory remarks about them on the internet.
Yea, TONS of “innocent” people throw batteries at Patriots fans because they don’t like the way a football game is going. And TONS of “innocent” people then call the wives of Patriots fans pretending to be Buffalo prostitutes. It’s funny because if I was the victim of a sexual assault, as these geniuses allege they were, I’d probably call the police. But apparently in Buffalo when you’re a victim of an imaginary sexual assault, you just call up your local blogger of no significance and harass Patriots fans at their place of business.
I am trying to restrict our plans to the Sunday morning party but do not be surprised if some of the guys get a little drunk and do a drive by visit Friday and Saturday. Have a merry Christmas and we cannot wait to meet you in person. I know that your New Year will be eventful.
Buffalo Bills Mafia
On snap!! Wait until these guys figure out that not only was it unwise to book a hotel room in Boston for the Patriots game, but that Worcester is another hour away from where they think the game will be. I’d pay good money to watch these slug rakes drunkenly drive around in the Boston-Worcester-Foxboro Bermuda Triangle in their never ending quest to find Turtleboy and tailgate on his lawn.
P.S. Buffalo sucks.
Check out more hot takes from Dubsism