Toronto Blue Jays fans just revived everyone’s faith in baseball with their debaucherous performance tonight in a Game 5 victory.
Without steroids baseball sucks. While I’m writing this I’m watching the Royals play the Astros, and I have no idea how these two crapbag lineups made the playoffs. It makes you realize how terrible the Red Sox really are. Anyway, the only two teams that spark my interest anymore are the Cubs and Blue Jays. The Cubs are just a cool story because they haven’t won since Old Balls was in grammar school. The Blue Jays are cool because they’ve sucked ever since Joe Carter left. But now Toronto is the ONLY throw back juiced up team left in MLB. Josh Donaldson, Jose Bautista, Edwin Encarnacion,
Troy Tulowitzki. All those guys can still hit like it’s 1999. So when the Jays were on the verge of elimination, down two games to none before storming back and taking two in Texas, I was a little disappointed.
Then tonight happened. With the score tied 2-2 and a runner on third base for the Rangers, one of the most bizarre plays you will ever see happened:
As you can see catcher Russell Martin was trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher but it hit Rangers’ outfielder Shin Soo-Choo’s bat. That apparently makes the ball live, which is another stupid baseball rule you had no idea existed. The umpire called the play dead before the Rangers runner got home, but then they all got together, found out that rule existed, and called it a run. This completely illegal and bullshit ruling gave the Rangers a 3-2 lead and the fans did the only logical thing they could do and threw beer all over the field:
No one was safe. Even babies were getting drilled by Molson Lights:
Ya see that? That explains how Rob Ford got elected mayor of one of the largest cities in North America. Because these are the savages who vote in Toronto. I’m not gonna lie, I dig it. Babies have no business with front row seats at a series deciding playoff game. The baby isn’t gonna remember any of this. Those free-loading Canadians were too cheap to spring for a sitter, but not too cheap to afford front row seats to a playoff game.
In the bottom of the 7th inning all hell broke loose. The Rangers committed three AWFUL errors to load the bases. Errors that would get you benched playing for Doherty High School. That’s when Jose Bautista came to bat, smashed a three run home run, and gave the most dominant bat flip that you will EVER see in a baseball game.
I love it. I could watch that Vine over, and over, and over, and over again. Anyone who doesn’t love that is an asshole. You just smashed a grand slam in the biggest at bat of your career. Pimp that shit. You earned it Joey Bats. But because this is baseball everyone’s gotta get all butthurt about it and a “brawl” broke out shortly afterwards. I blame Jonny Gomes. That guy was the king of enforcing stupid, unwritten rules. He was constantly trying to be captain bad ass because he wanted us to ignore the fact that he was a strikeout machine. If someone scores on you they have the right to celebrate however they see fit. Don’t like it? Simple solution – don’t let them score.
Anyway, I’ve seen a lot of baseball games but I’ve never seen the situation that arose after this. There was like a 15-20 minute delay because the Rangers manager starred demanding that Toronto fans get tossed.
The problem was they couldn’t figure out who to toss since half the stadium was throwing beer onto the field. This woman started pointing to the troublemakers:
But the guys she was pointing at looked like they just jumped off the steamer from Nantucket.
I’ll tell you one thing – if I planned on throwing shit onto the field at a baseball game I would definitely wear a sport coat or a sweater tied around my neck. No one ever suspects the guy with a sweater tied around his neck. So who threw the beer on the child? There were so many potential suspects. There was the three-chinned man
The recovering alcoholic in a Roberto Clemente hat
the guy with the maple leaf hat
the 98 year old guy surrounded by junior smokeshows
or the guy in the red shirt who kept kissing his biceps and CLEARLY was not in his assigned seat.
We know this because shortly afterwards he was replaced by an old woman on her cell phone who literally didn’t watch a single pitch.
I like it when these teams who haven’t won in forever get good again. This is what the stadium looked like tonight.
And this is what it looked like in 2013.
Some people call it bandwagon fans, but I don’t blame anyone who doesn’t wanna waste their time and money watching a losing team that J.P. Ricciardi threw together. Toronto is a hockey city, and the Maple Leafs treat their fans like an abusive ex-boyfriend. We wouldn’t know what that’s like in New England. After all, who can ever forget the GREATEST comeback in sports history – the Bruins Game 7 comeback against the Leafs in 2013. Watching this video of Maple Leaf fans as they react to each goal is still one of the most entertaining videos you will watch on the Internet.
And this is still one of the greatest pictures I’ve ever seen.
Look at those faces. Those fans deserve a winner. They deserve to be happy. The umpires almost took the game away from them tonight and sent them back to their miserable existences. If I was used to having my guts ripped out and stomped on as a fan I’d lose my shit and throw beer all over a baby too. Here’s hoping for a Chicago-Toronto World Series.