Toronto Blue Jays fans just revived everyone’s faith in baseball with their debaucherous performance tonight in a Game 5 victory.
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Without steroids baseball sucks. While I’m writing this I’m watching the Royals play the Astros, and I have no idea how these two crapbag lineups made the playoffs. It makes you realize how terrible the Red Sox really are. Anyway, the only two teams that spark my interest anymore are the Cubs and Blue Jays. The Cubs are just a cool story because they haven’t won since Old Balls was in grammar school. The Blue Jays are cool because they’ve sucked ever since Joe Carter left. But now Toronto is the ONLY throw back juiced up team left in MLB. Josh Donaldson, Jose Bautista, Edwin Encarnacion, Troy Tulowitzki. All those guys can still hit like it’s 1999. So when the Jays were on the verge of elimination, down two games to none before storming back and taking two in Texas, I was a little disappointed.
Then tonight happened. With the score tied 2-2 and a runner on third base for the Rangers, one of the most bizarre plays you will ever see happened:
As you can see catcher Russell Martin was trying to throw the ball back to the pitcher but it hit Rangers’ outfielder Shin Soo-Choo’s bat. That apparently makes the ball live, which is another stupid baseball rule you had no idea existed. The umpire called the play dead before the Rangers runner got home, but then they all got together, found out that rule existed, and called it a run. This completely illegal and bullshit ruling gave the Rangers a 3-2 lead and the fans did the only logical thing they could do and threw beer all over the field:
No one was safe. Even babies were getting drilled by Molson Lights:
Ya see that? That explains how Rob Ford got elected mayor of one of the largest cities in North America. Because these are the savages who vote in Toronto. I’m not gonna lie, I dig it. Babies have no business with front row seats at a series deciding playoff game. The baby isn’t gonna remember any of this. Those free-loading Canadians were too cheap to spring for a sitter, but not too cheap to afford front row seats to a playoff game.
In the bottom of the 7th inning all hell broke loose. The Rangers committed three AWFUL errors to load the bases. Errors that would get you benched playing for Doherty High School. That’s when Jose Bautista came to bat, smashed a three run home run, and gave the most dominant bat flip that you will EVER see in a baseball game.
I love it. I could watch that Vine over, and over, and over, and over again. Anyone who doesn’t love that is an asshole. You just smashed a grand slam in the biggest at bat of your career. Pimp that shit. You earned it Joey Bats. But because this is baseball everyone’s gotta get all butthurt about it and a “brawl” broke out shortly afterwards. I blame Jonny Gomes. That guy was the king of enforcing stupid, unwritten rules. He was constantly trying to be captain bad ass because he wanted us to ignore the fact that he was a strikeout machine. If someone scores on you they have the right to celebrate however they see fit. Don’t like it? Simple solution – don’t let them score.
Anyway, I’ve seen a lot of baseball games but I’ve never seen the situation that arose after this. There was like a 15-20 minute delay because the Rangers manager starred demanding that Toronto fans get tossed.
The problem was they couldn’t figure out who to toss since half the stadium was throwing beer onto the field. This woman started pointing to the troublemakers:
But the guys she was pointing at looked like they just jumped off the steamer from Nantucket.
I’ll tell you one thing – if I planned on throwing shit onto the field at a baseball game I would definitely wear a sport coat or a sweater tied around my neck. No one ever suspects the guy with a sweater tied around his neck. So who threw the beer on the child? There were so many potential suspects. There was the three-chinned man
The recovering alcoholic in a Roberto Clemente hat
the guy with the maple leaf hat
the 98 year old guy surrounded by junior smokeshows
or the guy in the red shirt who kept kissing his biceps and CLEARLY was not in his assigned seat.
We know this because shortly afterwards he was replaced by an old woman on her cell phone who literally didn’t watch a single pitch.
I like it when these teams who haven’t won in forever get good again. This is what the stadium looked like tonight.
And this is what it looked like in 2013.
Some people call it bandwagon fans, but I don’t blame anyone who doesn’t wanna waste their time and money watching a losing team that J.P. Ricciardi threw together. Toronto is a hockey city, and the Maple Leafs treat their fans like an abusive ex-boyfriend. We wouldn’t know what that’s like in New England. After all, who can ever forget the GREATEST comeback in sports history – the Bruins Game 7 comeback against the Leafs in 2013. Watching this video of Maple Leaf fans as they react to each goal is still one of the most entertaining videos you will watch on the Internet.
And this is still one of the greatest pictures I’ve ever seen.
Look at those faces. Those fans deserve a winner. They deserve to be happy. The umpires almost took the game away from them tonight and sent them back to their miserable existences. If I was used to having my guts ripped out and stomped on as a fan I’d lose my shit and throw beer all over a baby too. Here’s hoping for a Chicago-Toronto World Series.
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13 Comment(s)
OMG. I just laughed my way through this entire article. The pictures together with the narrative are just too funny. Thanks!
I’ve never been to a Blue Jay’s game where hilarious drunk people didn’t start getting thrown out for acting hilarious.
My favorite was a Boston fan shouting how he wanted some HOT SOUP…damn shame that Canada doesn’t provide it.
After Beltre dropped that ball for the third error of the inning some random thoughts: Is the fix in? Could this be the start of the 2015 version of the Black Sox scandal? Is Pete Rose really the Texas manager? And that 98 year old buck looks guilty as hell like he just nailed a toddler with a can of Molson.
“That apparently makes the ball live, which is another stupid baseball rule you had no idea existed.”
It makes perfect sense. what if he was trying to throw the guy out at 3rd? Are you going to punish the team on offense because the catcher drills the batter instead of throwing to 3rd? Providing there is no interference (which clearly is the case here) the rule is a good one. The part that I don’t get is how can you stop the play and then reverse yourself? Pretty sure you can’t do that. Umpire should’ve let it play out and then made the call.
Like the cop who killed the girl celebrating 04 World Series with a rubber bullet to the eye. Boston strong,lol.
Crap bag teams huh F u loser! Royals proved it 2 yrs now… And when they stomp the blue jays blow it up yours! Loser of a writer
Pardon me, but may I enquire as to which charm school you attended?
I’m just impressed that the blog is generating interest from the Royals fanbase.
Before two years ago, the Royals didn’t have a fanbase.
Royals fans be like, “Who’s George Brett?”
Damn right those people are savages with a crackhead for a mayor – they’re less than a hundred miles from Buffalo. The Blue Jays are effectively Buffalo’s baseball team. Which makes sense since they’ve been shitty for about the same amount of time as the Bills.
Toronto isn’t like the rest of Canada, with its “aww shucks would you like to go to Timmies” attitude. Those people are animals. I’ll bet you most of the raving maniacs chucking beers on the field were straight outta Buffalo. Which of course is why it was awesome to watch.
Now, yes, before some asshurt Buffalonian points it out – yes, I KNOW the Red Sox are a fucking abortion right now. And I know Fenway used to be filled with assholes swearing at Tom Brunansky before the pink hat brigade took over and John Henry became more interested in selling bricks than he was in building a winning ball club. That’s why I love the Toronto fans – they’re as savage as the Sox fan base was before it was neutered.
What are you talking about? Have you ever been to Toronto? It’s basically New York of Canada minus the polution. Toronto is nothing like Buffalo. That’s like saying Boston is Worcester due to their close proximity. Hey glad to see that Worcester Public Education didn’t go to waste
Chucking beers at toddlers and elected a crackhead mayor.
Yeah, Toronto is a regular wine and cheese festival.