Part Four of the epic series!
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Holy crap. Can you believe you’ve made it this far? I’m still rather stunned we’re still going here.
If you’re joining us for the first time, and you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve stumbled on the ass-end of Turtleboy’s wildest and most expansive blog series yet. It’s a tale of a crazy cat lady who self-imploded her business with a very public meltdown fueled with Zinfandel, catnip and lies. Of course she typed the whole thing pretending to be her cat. You can catch up on it here:
I’ll be pasting the whole thing together in to one blog for easier story sharing (or punishment) and rainy day Sunday reading. You’ll see it tomorrow morning.
Yesterday, you read about how Diane Kelly of the PURR Cat Cafe botched her open house, threatened Boston with closing the cafe, and kept sex-shaming her former employee as her business figuratively burned down around her.
Mein Exciting Event
After the failure of the open house Diane began trying to get new events to happen at the Cat Cafe. There was no way she charge people to come in and play with her own cats so she invited some broad named Stephanie who wrote a book about a cat being a war hero.
Well, it’s nice to know Diane isn’t alone in her crazy.
The woman who wrote the book wasn’t the issue. Her husband, David Hines, was. David took issue with people asking logical questions and decided to go after them.
Diane backed him tirelessly.
Yeah, David sounds a bit like someone we all know by joking about Antifa basement dwellers. Diane spoke with such conviction that she almost sounded like she knew what she was talking about. It took almost no time for the social media wolves to find out how he really feels about things. You know… like Jews.
Diane, in her truest fashion, didn’t care about things shown to her. She doubled down. She even gave David a new title to replace Norman Schwarzkopf. David now commanded the Gulf War!
When no one wanted to hear from her she sent Gussie to do the typing.
Honestly, I don’t think Haines really need to apologize for his snarling political remarks on basement-dwelling cat people. Especially not because they are fragile women. I’m a chick and I can take it as much as I can dish it. I do, however, find his joking about Jews reprehensible.
I was surprised when the wishy-washy Meow Meow Purr Queen caved to public pressure.
Homegirl can’t seem to stick to anything. Not even sticking with her defense of an antisemite. Maybe that’s why she lashed out against Kathleen one more time.
I Can’t Believe She’s Doing This AGAIN
I just can’t.
I can tell you what the sexual preferences are of each of co-workers. What they look for in a person. I can tell you which of the dudes are circumcised and which ones are intact. Fuck, I can even tell you what time they poop and then tell you about how hard we laughed when one of us was sent a vibrator in our fan mail. (That was me BTW) I can tell them anything. You know why? Because we have an open and comfortable work environment. So what would I do if it took them five weeks to tell me who they’re fucking? Think it’s weird it took them so damn long.
Turtleboy Taggeth. Turtlegirl Taketh Away.
We had been tagged so much in this last post about Kathleen Diane started to turtle tweak. My homeboy Jimbo, who is absolutely Turtleboy because we are all Turtleboy, became the center of Diane’s hate and fear for us. She called Jimbo and I out in a special post. So, I started to torment her a little just because she thought to call me anti- LGTBQ.
Sweetheart, my best friends are the rainbow flag. I don’t care if they have one or fifteen current sexual partners. My family is Jewish, my brother married a brown chick, and all of us hug at my backyard cookouts. We know when to call it quits. When know how to take care of animals. We know how not to be unstable hypocrites. You’re the one who fucked up here.
Which is why I let you know I was coming for you.
… and toyed with you like a cat playing with a mouse.
So when you tried to boost yourself back up with a peppy anthem …
You deleted your Facebook page.
If you were smart you’d keep it that way. Its gone on long enough. Mostly because I’m tired of writing about your stupid shit. When people ask why you gave up – I got you covered. Just repeat after this guy…
You’re totally fine to shame this one. He’s in to it.
Meow. THE. Meow. END. Purr.