Turtleboy Investigates

Boston Cat Cafe “PURR” Is The Biggest Litter Box Fire You’ll Ever See – Part Four: I Did Nazi That Coming! 

Part Four of the epic series! 

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Holy crap. Can you believe you’ve made it this far? I’m still rather stunned we’re still going here. 

If you’re joining us for the first time, and you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve stumbled on the ass-end of Turtleboy’s wildest and most expansive blog series yet. It’s a tale of a crazy cat lady who self-imploded her business with a very public meltdown fueled with Zinfandel, catnip and lies. Of course she typed the whole thing pretending to be her cat. You can catch up on it here: 




I’ll be pasting the whole thing together in to one blog for easier story sharing (or punishment) and rainy day Sunday reading. You’ll see it tomorrow morning. 

Yesterday, you read about how Diane Kelly of the PURR Cat Cafe botched her open house, threatened Boston with closing the cafe, and kept sex-shaming her former employee as her business figuratively burned down around her. 

Mein Exciting Event

After the failure of the open house Diane began trying to get new events to happen at the Cat Cafe. There was no way she charge people to come in and play with her own cats so she invited some broad named Stephanie who wrote a book about a cat being a war hero. 


Well, it’s nice to know Diane isn’t alone in her crazy. 

The woman who wrote the book wasn’t the issue. Her husband, David Hines, was. David took issue with people asking logical questions and decided to go after them. 

Diane backed him tirelessly. 

Yeah, David sounds a bit like someone we all know by joking about Antifa basement dwellers. Diane spoke with such conviction that she almost sounded like she knew what she was talking about. It took almost no time for the social media wolves to find out how he really feels about things. You know… like Jews. 

Diane, in her truest fashion, didn’t care about things shown to her. She doubled down. She even gave David a new title to replace Norman Schwarzkopf. David now commanded the Gulf War! 

When no one wanted to hear from her she sent Gussie to do the typing. 

Honestly, I don’t think Haines really need to apologize for his snarling political remarks on basement-dwelling cat people. Especially not because they are fragile women. I’m a chick and I can take it as much as I can dish it. I do, however, find his joking about Jews reprehensible. 

I was surprised when the wishy-washy Meow Meow Purr Queen caved to public pressure. 

Homegirl can’t seem to stick to anything. Not even sticking with her defense of an antisemite. Maybe that’s why she lashed out against Kathleen one more time. 

I Can’t Believe She’s Doing This AGAIN 

I. Can’t. 

I just can’t. 

I can tell you what the sexual preferences are of each of co-workers. What they look for in a person. I can tell you which of the dudes are circumcised and which ones are intact. Fuck, I can even tell you what time they poop and then tell you about how hard we laughed when one of us was sent a vibrator in our fan mail. (That was me BTW) I can tell them anything. You know why? Because we have an open and comfortable work environment. So what would I do if it took them five weeks to tell me who they’re fucking? Think it’s weird it took them so damn long. 

Turtleboy Taggeth. Turtlegirl Taketh Away. 

We had been tagged so much in this last post about Kathleen Diane started to turtle tweak. My homeboy Jimbo, who is absolutely Turtleboy because we are all Turtleboy, became the center of Diane’s hate and fear for us. She called Jimbo and I out in a special post. So, I started to torment her a little just because she thought to call me anti- LGTBQ. 

Sweetheart, my best friends are the rainbow flag. I don’t care if they have one or fifteen current sexual partners. My family is Jewish, my brother married a brown chick, and all of us hug at my backyard cookouts. We know when to call it quits. When know how to take care of animals. We know how not to be unstable hypocrites. You’re the one who fucked up here. 

Which is why I let you know I was coming for you. 

… and toyed with you like a cat playing with a mouse. 

So when you tried to boost yourself back up with a peppy anthem … 

You deleted your Facebook page. 

If you were smart you’d keep it that way. Its gone on long enough. Mostly because I’m tired of writing about your stupid shit. When people ask why you gave up – I got you covered.  Just repeat after this guy…  

You’re totally fine to shame this one. He’s in to it. 

Meow. THE. Meow. END. Purr. 

13 Comment(s)
  • Caitlin
    November 15, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    Jesus Henry Christ. This give a lot of credence that being exposed to cat pee over a period of time actually makes you crazy. Dog people just don’t do shit like this. We don’t. God speed, Diane. Shine on you crazy diamond.

  • Stunt Penis
    October 30, 2017 at 10:01 am

    “I’ll be pasting the whole thing together in to one blog for easier story sharing (or punishment) and rainy day Sunday reading. You’ll see it tomorrow morning. ”

    Please spare us the torture. I’d rather be waterboarded than have to read about these crazy cat women and their train wreck of a business for a 2nd time.

  • Dave Haines
    October 30, 2017 at 2:15 am

    Greetings Snowflakes:

    Suckerpunching seems to be about your speed. Do you have the balls to publish my rebuttal? I’m guessing not.

  • don
    October 29, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    alls i am seeing in this story is a bunch of whining women with nothing more to do than cry about anything. who cares about this womans business? who cares what the dr said to another person? this is all kids stuff. Who said what about who. I started reading about this since you came out with it, but now its getting stupid and the people are getting childish. The womens business will not make it and yet people are still butt hurt. Snowflakes are melting faster than I thought. People feel the need to comment saying they will never go into the business. Do they not have anything else to do in life besides trying to bring a business down that will never make it in the first place? just reading all these womens comments made me lose a few IQ points.

  • joe
    October 29, 2017 at 8:24 am

    Turtleboy(pot) calling the kettle black on this one. It’s almost like he took up the pen name Dr. David haines.

  • Local real local
    Local real local
    October 28, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Dear Jesus! Diane’s and Goerbel’s statements are beyond reasonable. Of all the things to say, they continue to act in a self seating manner. This was the craziest shit I have ever read. The employees are as moon bat fucking crazy as it’s proprietor and it’s investors. I still can’t understand the business mission. At this point, forget it. Thank you TB for everything.

  • Just Dave
    October 28, 2017 at 10:35 am

    Yep, I’ll click on anything.

  • Puddintaine
    October 28, 2017 at 9:52 am

    I’m willing to bet 10$ this chic is banging Dr David what’s his face. Seriously. Someone find out.

  • CatScan
    October 28, 2017 at 9:51 am

    Not a cat person, 4 part story, kind of hard to follow the articles seem crazy as a cat lady.

    Reduce all 4 parts to 2 paragraphs, for us non cat people.

    • Sonny's Mom
      October 28, 2017 at 3:56 pm

      Temperamental, middle aged woman with no shelter/rescue experience, no business plan and insufficient funding tries to open “cat café” in Brighton.

      • Sonny's Mom
        October 28, 2017 at 3:58 pm

        And wastes time embarassing herself on social media.

  • The Rant Queen
    October 28, 2017 at 4:24 am

    That Diane…I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she has DID/MPD. It just makes so much sense here. Problem is, the main personality is the shitty, money hungry, attention seeking, animal exploiter/abuser, and the personality who apologizes, and seems to try to stabilize whatever previous personality fucked up, doesn’t come out enough. Then the cat personality comes out whenever she has a meltdown. I’ll bet she absorbed Chandler’s personality by the end, because there’s no way he stuck it out for that long. She needs a nice, quiet, padded room wrapped in a snug, hug jacket, and several nutritious meals (pills) a day.

    • Sue
      October 28, 2017 at 8:00 am

      Lmao!! Well said Rant Queen. This woman is straight crazy.

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