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Hey New York Rangers – you’re welcome. Luckily for you guys the Boston Bruins had some of the worst puck luck ever seen, and emotionally and physically drained the Montreal Canadiens in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. You can thank us for the 7-2 shellacking in Game 1. And more importantly you can thank us for the fact that beating us in the second round was their Super Bowl. They didn’t give a shit about beating you guys. So Congrats on making the Stanley Cup Finals, although you’re lucky you avoided us this time around (we already what we did to you last year).
I never thought I’d be this happy to see a team from New York win a playoff series, but watching the Rangers facialize the Habs got me all nice and warm in my loins. The only thing better then watching them lose was watching their fans react to them losing on Twitter. Conor McKenna is a talking head up in Montreal. I tweeted at him to send me a picture of the Bell Centre with about 3 minutes left in the game:
Price-less. (pun intended)
The best person to watch is the ultimate Montreal troll Tony Marinaro. He blocked me on Twitter a while back because just like the team he roots for, he ducks and covers when he can’t take the heat, or in this case the hot takes. Blocking Boston fans is something he’s quite proud of…
I’m almost flattered that they lost and the first thing they thought of was us. Like, when we lost to the Chicago Blackhawks last year it was devastating. You know what I didn’t do right after that? Talk about Montreal. Because we lost. Therefore Montreal and Boston’s season ended the same way – in failure. If you don’t win the Cup it doesn’t matter. But I guess when you haven’t won since 1993 this is what you have to resort to. Baby steps Montreal. Baby steps.
Now all the buzz in Twitterland lately has been the #NHL15Subban vs. #NHL15Bergeron chatter. Apparently the number of tweets for each of these hashtags will determine who goes on the cover of next year’s video game. I’ve seen a lot of Bruins fans retweeting the Bergeron one. I just wanna take this moment to say, please, please stop!!! It’s embarrassing.
This type of shit is so Montreal it hurts. We’re supposed to be above this in Boston. Like, when we don’t win it all here, nothing else is supposed to matter. That’s what separates us from other fans. We play to win championships. Anything else is failure. Who gives a shit if Patrice Bergeron or P.K. Subban is on the cover of a video game that I won’t buy at GameStop until 2020 when it’s pre-owned and $3?
Honestly, just let Subban win. Nothing would be more fitting for that fan base. IMMEDIATELY after losing they got down to business and started focusing on what REALLY matters – getting Subban on the cover of a fucking video game. Because in Montreal they love the Habs, but not nearly as much as they love video games:
No, you definitely cannot win the Cup. Remember the last time Montreal won the Cup? Because there’s like 2 people on Habs who do. Last time you idiots actually won something significant Monica Lewinsky was just an overweight teenager with low self confidence.
Is there a better slogan for Montreal than “we always have next year?” Man, winning the Cup was way easier when there were only five other teams in the league.
Oh, and guess who got in on the action yesterday?
Yup, the real, actual P.K. Subban tweeted this the DAY BEFORE the Canadiens were facing an elimination game on the road. Facing the biggest game of his life, his mind was on a fucking video game. And 2,900 idiot Montreal fans retweeted it like it actually meant something. It just doesn’t get any more Montreal than that. No wonder you clowns surrendered to the Nazis so fast.
Phew. I was worried he wouldn’t make the cover there for a minute. Priorities people. Priorities.