Buffalo Turtleboy Presents 2015 Darwinism Awards

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The America that we knew growing up has officially died people! Welcome to the world of no self-accountability and my shitty situation is your fault even though you never met me! As many of you read a few days ago we reported in a previous Turtleboy article about the genius who decided to light mortar fireworks off his head and killed himself. To add insult to injury the state of Maine now wants to do one of the most un-American things ever and ban fireworks if you can believe that commie bullshit!

Now over the course of my life I have seen some amazing acts of stupidity that truly prove Darwinism is alive more than ever before. The term “survival of the fittest” applies both physically and mentally in nature. One great example is the gift Derrick Mosley, of Oregon gave us. This glorious bastard provided us with a lifetime of entertainment by trying to rob a gun store with a baseball bat! In the end he was charged with First-degree robbery, first-degree theft, unlawful possession of a firearm, second-degree criminal mischief, along with a lifetime of shame, and distribution of non-stop laughter at his expense.

Who could forget this hysterical moment in 2010 in which Congressman Hank Johnson raised the bar for voters outside of Georgia to begin thinking just how screwed this country is!

During a House Armed Services Committee hearing on March 25, 2010, concerning the U.S. military installation on the island of Guam, Johnson said to Admiral Robert F. Willard, Commander of U.S. Pacific Command, “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize”, to which Admiral Willard replied, “We don’t anticipate that.” SWEET JESUS GEORGIA AND TO THINK YOU GUYS RE-ELECTED HIM!

And as I was scrolling through my yahoo page at work when I’m supposed to be working I came upon this gem. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you two strong candidates for our 2015 Darwinism award. First is Kathleen Staples, the mother of the firework victim who died when he drunkenly decided to blow a mortar firework off his dome killing him instantly.

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Now while this woman has my sympathy for losing her son one thing cannot be disputed and that’s the obvious perception that he was being a drunken dumbass. Kathleen though proved to America that even a guy who lights fireworks off his head may not even make the most questionable decisions in the family. Not only does she look like the older version of the woman in the hippie memes that are all over the internet.

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but on Monday Staples announced that she’s now advocating for stricter firework laws and who decides whether or not you can use the explosives without at least a safety class; if not outlawing them in the state. Obviously because her son is incapable of making intelligent decisions with patriotic dynamite, you and I aren’t either. Staples proclaimed that Maine should consider requiring safety training courses before allowing someone to use them. She then continued to further insult our intelligence when she compared fireworks with other regulated items such as cars and guns.

Where do I even begin with this? So because your son was the .01% of dumbasses out there that killed himself during a drunken act with dynamite we should all be punished? I mean what else do white suburban kids do more when they’re bored or drunk than dumb shit that makes for a good story.

While we’re at it lets regulate automobile makers next for making cars drive too fast. Let’s punish the masses on America’s birthday because of your son’s one single act is now an epidemic. What drives me nuts about people like Staples is that they’re the type of “victims” that hippies love. These are the people that push for gun restriction law against the 68 million gun owners who abide by the law and are responsible with their firearms. They want you to know that because someone who doesn’t even have a gun license and illegally possess a gun that they use to commit a crime is now a substantial cause requiring everyone to have their weapons taken away because there will be no gun crimes if firearms are illegal. Please tell the hippies to use this logic when referring to meth!

It should be noted that her son was the first fireworks fatality in Maine since it legalized fireworks on January 1, 2012. Staples also expressed support for a 1949 state law that originally banned fireworks but was repealed due to economics and common sense. As you can imagine an event like this has the hippies all riled up and screaming for reform and regulation.

And now my second nominee for the Darwinism award is Democratic Rep. Michel Lajoie. Lajoie, who has pushed to repeal Maine’s fireworks law in the past, said Monday that he’s considering trying to introduce another measure next year but acknowledged the regulation faces long odds. Instead of recognizing that Staples’s son used no form of common sense he instead goes on to blame the local economy, and the jobs the firework industry provides in Maine as the main opposition for the prevention of firework regulation.

The hippie in Lajoie was released on Monday which is common practice in these situations because the hippies think they’re making the world a better place by protesting things no one cares about, or just generally being a horrible burden on society which is protected under their Free Speech right. Lajoie with his already self-defeated tone said “They’re (people who aren’t morons) going to say, ‘Well, you can’t regulate stupidity’ … and it’s true, you can’t. But the fact of the matter is you have to try something,” Lajoie said. “I’m not giving up.” Besides common sense what are you not giving up on? Lajoie is a walking example of the hippies in 2012 that thought they were fighting Kony in Africa because they slapped a “KONY 2012” bumpersticker on his car or reshared that the video that caused so much outrage for all of 2 weeks until they realized a bumpersticker is just an annoying fad and doesn’t end a civil war. Lajoie just can’t help but jump for the “cause of the month”.

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And let’s not forget Mr. House of Representative your comment of “you can’t regulate stupidity.” Because it takes a real Harvard scholar to know a firework safety course is needed to prevent more brilliant minds from using their foreheads as a launch pad for next year’s 4th of July grand-finale. No, no, no……you sir who is supposed to be as American as they come by holding a political office, being elected by the people, and for the people, would rather do the most un-American thing possible and regulate fireworks because of a single death that was based on questionable decision making! It is for these reasons that I nominate Kathleen Staples and Michel Lajoie as early candidates for the 2015 Darwinism award!

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8 Comment(s)
  • GoneWest
    July 13, 2015 at 10:47 am

    “Buffalo Bills offensive line coach shoved neighbor’s son to ground, punched him in the face after fight over beach chairs”. Buffalo Turtleboy, how nice were Aaron Kromer’s beach chairs anyway? I think you both should take a seat. YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE

  • GoneWest
    July 13, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Anybody who would launch a mortar off their head is not the type of person that would go through a safety class and not still do it.

  • RJ
    July 12, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    I’ll give the fireworks lady a pass at this point. It’s only been a week since her idiot son blew his head off. Not sure where in the 5 stages of grief that puts her, but “blaming other people for raising an idiot” has to be in there somewhere.

  • Devils Mouthpiece
    July 12, 2015 at 11:09 am

    David, ever think of making that into bumper stickers?!?!?!

    • Chris From Georgia
      July 12, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      You are correct! Just glad not to be in his district! Having Hank Johnson as your congressman is almost as bad as having Jim McGovern as your Congressman! LOL

  • Chris From Georgia
    July 12, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Let me state that Hank Johnson is NOT my congressman! The voters in my district are far more intelligent than that.

    • I'm Just Sayin'
      July 12, 2015 at 10:56 am

      That’s not saying much, now is it, Chrissy? Hot dog!

  • July 12, 2015 at 1:41 am

    Make something idiot-proof and someone makes a better idiot.

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