Social Justice Warriors

Caityln Jenner Would’ve Facialized Jackie Joyner-Kersee In The Heptathlon Because She Is A Superhuman Athlete

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“She’s the greatest multi-event athlete ever, man or woman.”

Guess who said that? That would be Bruce Jenner in 1994 while speaking about Jackie Joyner-Kersee. The greatest multi-event ever, man or woman. Thus suggesting that while the men’s olympic athletes may have faster times and longer throws and jumps, Jackie Joyner-Kersee was much further away from the second best female athlete in the world, than any male athlete could claim.

But the reality is that Bruce was just being humble. Since we’ve been told that Caitlyn Jenner didn’t just become a woman, she has in fact been a woman trapped in a man’s body his entire life, I think it’s only fair to say that Bruce is actually the greatest multi-event athlete ever, man or woman. After all, Bruce was so much better than the next closest woman that he had to compete against the men to win the gold.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a little confused by all this transgender stuff. But if someone can please explain to me how someone who knows they were a woman and still competed as a man, wasn’t in fact cheating, that would be very helpful to me in my quest for culture. I only bring it up because one of those useless petitions has been circulating to force Bruce to give up the 1976 gold medal.

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So let’s check out the numbers to see who is the greatest multi-event athlete in world history. Bruce Jenner won the decathlon gold medal at the 1976 Olympics in Montreal. In the decathlon there are 10 events over the course of two days that each athlete must complete. They are awarded points based on their performance in each event and the highest score wins. Generally scoring 1,000 points in an event means you dominated the shit out of it. It’s extremely hard to score more than that in any of the ten. Here are Bruce’s performances in each event, along with the points he received for each:

  • 100m: 10.7 (819)
  • 400m: 47.5 (923)
  • 1,500m: 4:12.6 (714)
  • 110 Hurdles: 14.3 (866)
  • High Jump: 6’8″ (882)
  • Pole Vault: 15’8″ (1,005)
  • Long Jump: 24’0.5″  (865)
  • Shot Put: 50’4.5 (809)
  • Discus: 169’7″ (873)
  • Javelin: 227’11” (862)

Pretty good numbers right there. The only event he beat all his competitors in was the discus, but he was solid in every event which was all he needed for the gold. His point total of 8,616 was over 200 points higher than Guido Kratschmer of West Germany.

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Now lets look at who her prime competitor would’ve been if he had competed in the women’s pentathlon. Because after all, we are being told that she has been a woman this entire time, so clearly this is the event she was supposed to be in. The winners name was Siegrun Siegl, and she was also from West Germany. Here are her times and places:

  • 100 Hurdles: 13.31 (957)
  • High Jump: 5’8″ (974)
  • Shot Put: 42’4″ (775)
  • Long Jump: 24’0.5″ (1,012)
  • 200m: 23.09 (1,027)

Here point total was 4,715. No wonder communism didn’t work out. Eat shit East Germany. So the thing about this that makes comparing Bruce’s and Siegrun’s times a little complicated are, 1) women run different distances, and 2) the implements in the men’s events weigh more. For instance, in 1976 the women’s shot put weighed 8.8 pounds, while the men’s weighed 16 pounds. The hurdles are nine inches shorter and closer together for women, and the race is ten meters shorter.

Luckily there is a conversion for all of this. Here is how Bruce Jenner would’ve performed if he competed in the pentathlon in 1976 instead of the decathlon, along with his point totals:

  • 100 Hurdles: 13.1 (1,109)
  • High Jump: 6’8″ (1,291)
  • Shot Put: 67’2″ (1,233)
  • Long Jump: 24’0.5″ (1,285)
  • 200m: 21.5 (1,234)

Her point total would’ve been 6,152. Ya got that? She would’ve beat the second best female athlete on earth by 1,437 points. Fuck Jacke Joyner-Kersee, I think it’s quite clear who the greatest athlete, male or female, of all time is.

In 1984 the IOC got rid of the pentathlon and instituted the heptathlon (7 events). They added the 800 meters and the javelin. This is right around the time that Jackie Joyner-Kersee bust onto the scene, winning the silver in 1984. Then in 1988 JJK won the gold and set a world record in the process with 7,291 points. Let’s look at how she did in each event and how many points she received in the process:

  • 110 Hurdles – 12.69 (1,172)
  • Long Jump – 23’10.5″ (1,264)
  • Shot Put – 51’10” (915)
  • 200m – 22.56 (1,123)
  • High Jump – 6’1.5″ (1,054)
  • Javelin – 149’10” (776)
  • 800m: 2:08.51 (987)

As you can see her strongest event was the long jump. As a matter of fact she was the women’s world record holder in that event for quite some time. But shouldn’t that record be stricken from the books now? After all, she was really the SECOND best women’s long jumper in the world. Here’s how the greatest athlete who ever lived would’ve done, had Caitlyn been in the event she was SUPPOSED to be in. Once again we had to do a javelin conversion because a women’s javelin weighs about 25% less than a men’s. And since Jenner is a woman and always has been, she should have been using the correct implement:

  • 100 Hurdles: 13.1 (1,109)
  • High Jump: 6’8″ (1,291)
  • Shot Put: 67’2″ (1,233)
  • Long Jump: 24’0.5″ (1,285)
  • Javelin: 276’5″ (1,109)
  • 200m: 21.5 (1,234)
  • 800m: 1:58.4 (1,148)

Holy fuckstick!! She would score over 1,000 points in every single event, and finish with a point total of 8,409. She only would’ve set the world record by 1,118 points. In your face Jackie Joyner-Kersee!! Oh, you can only throw the javelin 149 feet? LOL. Let me stand here and throw it 200 feet standing backwards over my head. Drunk. Because Caitlyn Jenner needs the challenge.

This is Raimo Pihl:


He’s the Swede who finished in fourth place in the 1976 men’s decathlon. How do you think he’s feeling right now? There’s no podium spot for fourth place. Too bad because he was the top finisher in the shot put AND the javelin that year. Scandanavians don’t fuck around with javelins. It’s the only way to kill reindeer and/or nazis.

But shouldn’t he have gotten the bronze medal that year? After all, he was the world’s third best male athlete in 1976. Please SJW’s, explain this one to me. I want to learn, but this whole thing just gets more confusing the more I think about it. To me this petition seems at the very least, worthy of consideration. Bruce Jenner is now Caityln Jenner. But he didn’t magically become Caitlyn. He’s been Caitlyn his (her?) whole life. Therefore it seems pretty reasonable to suggest that she shouldn’t have been competing in a male event. Yet this is reaction it’s gotten:

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Ya see that? This is what pisses me off about this whole debate – the fact that any attempt to debate is called an “appalling hateful attack.” Why are we treating an issue, which is CLEARLY complicated, and acting like it’s a simple one? As if it’s COMMON FUCKING SENSE that the greatest male athlete in the world was a woman this entire time. That’s my primary beef with this whole thing. The fact that people are acting like everyone’s just supposed to understand how someone with a penis is all of a sudden a woman. Despite the fact that this particular “woman” would’ve been a superhuman physical specimen, the likes of which the world will NEVER see again.

Hell, I even google “Turtleboy Bruce Jenner” on Twitter and this is what I get:

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Ummm, that’s like one of the mildest blogs we’ve ever written. The whole purpose of that blog was to point out that Turtleboy is confused. That was it. It wasn’t even really an opinion piece. But even being confused by this is “disgusting” and makes SJW’s everyone want to “puke now.”

What these geniuses don’t realize is that their intolerance and hatred drives people away from them. Here Turtleboy is, anxious to learn and anxious to have his questions answered, and for that we get called bigoted. Oh well, we’ll just keep pumping out facts and data like we did in this blog. We’ll leave the name calling in the hands of the hippies.


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17 Comment(s)
  • RSoxGuy
    June 5, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    We get it Old Balls. The TnG shut you up and all you have left is TB. Hell, you got laughed off of WoMag’s comment section so badly Joyce took your keyboard away for a week!

    Enjoy it while you can troll, geriatric homes dont allow patients to use WiFi. How embarrassing.

    • GoneWestButNotSoft
      June 5, 2015 at 6:02 pm

      That’s what’s so great about this blog; everyone had a voice. Even you Baldino.

  • TurtleBoySpurts
    June 5, 2015 at 8:41 am

    Facts and data??? What a fucking moron. I’m sure math genius will show up shortly to verify my assessment, based purely on the “math” and “data” you’ve presented here. He’s an expert, after all. Just ask him. Meanwhile, carry on with jerking off to the Vanity Fair cover. It’s clear from your obsession that that’s what’s really at play here. Get in touch with your inner Denny Hastert. It’s OK.

    • Jesús Montalvo
      June 5, 2015 at 9:06 am

      tsk tsk Carlo you are breaking the moratorium imposed upon you by your editors.

      • TurtleBoySpurts
        June 5, 2015 at 9:33 am

        It’s quite breathtaking how few Turtletards have the capacity to discern the differences in writing style that differentiate me from Carlo. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, we both write in complete, grammatically-correct sentences, drawing from a large vocabulary, so we no doubt look exactly alike to the barely literate crowd. It’s just that this isn’t an unusual ability amongst educated Liberals, so we often forget that many on the right are struggling just to get to the other end of something as daunting as a five or six sentence paragraph with some iota of comprehension, never mind being able to assess the subtleties of style.

        • GoneWestButNotSoft
          June 5, 2015 at 9:52 am

          You were kind of a double kid, I bet, right? Huh? One kid with your old man, one kid with your mother. You’re upper-middle class during the weeks, then you’re droppin’ your “R”s and you’re hangin’ in the big, bad Southie projects with your daddy, the fuckin’ donkey on the weekends. I got that right? Yup. You have different accents? You did, didn’t you? You little fuckin’ snake. You were like different people.

          • TurtleBoySpurts
            June 5, 2015 at 10:45 am

            No, GoneWestAndStillSoft, I was hanging with your mom on the weekends. She said you just didn’t do it for her anymore.

          • RSoxGuy
            June 5, 2015 at 3:12 pm

            We know he is Carlo, because, just like Carlo, he gets all flustered and goes off on a temper tantrum every time someone throws facts or exposes his hypocrisy.

            We wouldnt want crazy ol tuff guy Cowardly Carlo to get mad. he might hurt somebody. Just ask him, he even tells you he doesnt go to any of these DOJ meeting because hes such a hero and strong man he might “get in trouble” and I dont mean falling asleep in the hallway because its 7pm and wayyyyyyyyyyyy past his bedtime.

    • oneopinion
      June 5, 2015 at 9:34 pm

      I hate to say it. I really hate to say it. “Channel inner Denny Hastert.” Drop Mic on that one spurts.

  • BobnMic
    June 4, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    OMG I’m so wicked sorry.

    • BobnMic
      June 5, 2015 at 12:52 am

      Ya ok

  • transphobicboysports
    June 4, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    you need to figure out your pronouns. You keep interchanging “he” and “she”. Pick one. Bruce Jenner wasn’t a woman in 1976, he had gender identity issues his whole life before emerging as Caitlyn. Bruce Jenner was not a woman until the Vanity Fair cover came out. Therefore everything before said cover was done as a male.

    You need to fucking educate yourself before writing about being Transgender. I know the last blog said “I want to learn about transgenderism” then fucking learn before writing a fucking ignorant blog post.

    2 minutes on Google will tell you all you need to know without sounding ignorant and transphobic.

    • GoneWestButNotSoft
      June 5, 2015 at 9:48 am

      This would have been the perfect opportunity for you to educate people on the subject. Instead, you did exactly what was outlined in the last paragraph of the blog.

    • Greg Hill
      June 5, 2015 at 12:33 pm

      Kill yourself.

      • Finnish Goalie
        June 5, 2015 at 12:40 pm

        T&R send their regards.

    • Barron of Spencer
      June 6, 2016 at 3:31 am

      Transgender is a mental illness. You think your arrogance and perverted mindstate allows you to play creator to your gender or sex? Trannies are freaks and weirdos. Nothing normal about it. Why the majority of the normal population even panders to this bullshit is unfathomable. The only right trannys should get are the ones everyone else has. Not being able to choose whatever bathroom they want or being able to play on athletic teams of their choosing. You dont get special priviledge because Robert wants to put on a dress and call himself Roberta.

  • BobnMic
    June 4, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    COB COB COB my friend DO NOT do your thing on this. It gets all kinds of crazy weird. You have to remember that not only does he still have old balls and a dick but he is in his mid 60s and THAT is a very old fart box to tongue-punch with a whole lot of mileage my my my. The thought of it made me think of the first MacDonald’s cheeseburger ever made being right at the fart box. So gross.

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