Well, that didn’t take long.
My post about Ferguson has been up for a few days, and but it only took a few hours to get what will probably be the best response to it. OK, maybe not the best, but what I would consider the most prototypical. It such a wonder of predictability that I wanted to share it with all the readers of Turtle Boy Sports.
In that short amount of time, somebody went over to my own blog, found my e-mail (email@example.com, for those of you preferring to avoid the Comments section) and sent me a message which was as masterful as it was anonymous. It came from an e-mail address which is obviously meant to protect the identity of the sender. I have no issue with that, but that also means I can’t credit the sender for what may is clearly a Shakespearean effort in high-brow trolling.
Before I get into it, I would be willing to bet a significant amount of money (if gambling weren’t illegal at Bushwood, sir…) that I can nail the demographic of the author since I can’t get the identity. Walk through this gem with me and I will offer both commentary and my identity clues to what may be the greatest blog commenter since the person who invented the meme.
Dear Mr. J-Dub,
That’s awfully fucking formal for a) somebody using an obvious nickname/pseudonym and b) somebody who is in their mind about to rip me a new one. That’s’ clue #`1 we are dealing with not just a college student, but possibly one of upper-crust breeding and/or old “guilty” white money. Let’s read on and try to guess, shall we?
I can’t express how much it saddens me to see such an obviously intelligent African-American filled with so much hatred for his own people. You were careful to only hint at your background. Obviously, you only allowed readers to see as much as was needed to fit your narrative.
“Obviously intelligent.” I guess I’ll take that, but then again, all I’m doing is waiting for the verbal gut-punch. But here’s what I won’t take. You can take the term “African-American,” put furniture knobs on it, give it a quarter-turn to the right, and put it all the way in your ass. I’d rather be called “nigger” than “African-American;” at least that way I knew where I stood with the name-caller.
Indulge me while I educate this “do-gooder” who loves taking up the cause of black people, but obviously never never bothered to learn anything about us.
First of all, when somebody calls me a “nigger,” I know two things.
First, I know exactly who I’m dealing with, and where I stand with them. Regardless of the skin color of who says it, Vitamin “N” is never…repeat…NEVER dropped as term of affection toward me. We all know what it means if a white guy throws that term at me. We also know that guy just might be getting a well-deserved ass-whooping; I’m six feet tall, 275 pounds, played offensive line on my college football team, spent six years in the Marine Corps, and even in my middle-age, can still bench-press 400 pounds and can lift my body weight over my head. I’m rapidly becoming an old man, but for the time being, I can still kick ass if need be.
Luckily, that’s neither the most fun or the most practical response because I already know I’m dealing with a room-temperature IQ, which means I’m also dealing with a person who really doesn’t really understand how racism is supposed to work. See, there’s really only two reasons to play the race card.
- To demean or disenfranchise the victim
- To discredit the practitioner
What that means is there are three groups of people in this country who are completely misusing the race issue. The first is the aforementioned stereotypical white racists. We all know who they are.
The second is blacks who want to hate on anybody who happens to have a dollar more than they do, and they have a very funny way of doing this. Blacks love to preach about the “Talented Tenth,” but bring out the long knives for anybody who dares to become part of it. So, if a black guy tosses the “N-Bomb” at me, I know I’m dealing with the “black-on-black” racism I alluded to in the Ferguson piece. Since I happen to be light-skinned (think Ice-T), the easiest way to discredit me amongst other blacks is to say any success I have in this world is because my light skin makes me more acceptable to white people.
While it may be misguided, at least it is still being true to the intention of racism, which is more than I can say for the style practiced by this particular do-gooder. Watch as this person simultaneously begins to give away who they are demographically while painting all blacks with the generalizations used by racists of the first order.
What really amazes me is that a man who shares the legacy of slavery with so many of his brethren can so easily ignore the plight of his own people for the sake of a blog post. Don’t African-Americans have it bad enough living with issues of poverty, crime, and racist cops who are killing young black men at an alarming rate?
Forget the fact this person obviously believes that all blacks are supposed to think alike. Forget the fact that is exactly the same mentality which says all blacks can peel a banana with our toes. Rather, pay attention to the dead give-aways as to the author’s background.
- The mention of slavery. The fact it was mentioned first makes me believe this commenter is white, because the guiltiest people in this country are white college students who just came from an African-American Studies class.
- “Brethren?” Who the fuck talks like that, let alone writes it? Is “brethren” the Ivy-league term for “homie?” Obviously, this is a college student.
- An honest attempt to properly use racism to discredit the cops. More evidence pointing to white college kid; black people havn’t properly used racism since O.J.
- Capitalizing on whatever is currently trending on social media. Face it, racist cops are almost as big as the fact Bruce Jenner is becoming a high school Phys. Ed. teacher. Who uses social media more than white college kids?
So, it pretty obvious who we dealing with here. There’s only two questions left: What is the gender of the author, and what sort of college do they go to? We know they aren’t an Ivy Leaguer because those people don’t read blogs; they’re doing things they will be covering up in twenty years when they are running for public office. Besides, not even Ivy League types say shit like “brethren.” Do you know who does? Smarmy east-coast kids who grew up as the smartest kid in school, then realized that still wasn’t enough to get them into Harvard. So they head off to those big, midwestern state schools that fake being “elite” like Purdue or Michigan, where they can’t even get part-time jobs at the mall because they say shit like “brethren” in the interview.
I showed your post to one of my African-American friends. She was horrified at you lack of respect you show for President Obama. He will go down in history as on the greatest leaders in the history of America. What he’s done for women and African-Americans can’t be put into words. I sincerely hope you can find a way to get over your hate issues and understand that the people you are attacking are really trying to help you people.
You can almost hear the 1970’s Helen Reddy feminist anthem “I Am Woman” playing in the background as you read that. While she’s making it obvious she’s a woman, she forever eliminates any doubt she’s white. Her use of the term “African-American” nails that coffin shut. The fact she uses that term is also telling because if you ever been on the campus on one of these sort of schools, you know the only white girls that give a shit about black guys are the ones who have a black boyfriend who’s got as much chance of seeing Thanksgiving at Daddy’s house as I do of doing Jell-O shots on the moon with Sasquatch.
But my favorite part of this whole response is the last two words…”you people.” Am I to believe that somebody who uses the term “brethren” and “African-American” doesn’t know what a loaded statement “you people” is? That tells me that the mindset that gives me crap like “African-American” is just a different kind of racism; “political correctness” is just “Jim Crow” under a thin veneer of 21st-century liberalism.
At least “nigger” is honest.
-J-Dub is a proud contributor to Turtle Boy Sports, where he ironically almost never writes about sports. If you would like to see J-Dub’s thoughts on sports, check out his own blog, Dubsism.