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Captain North Shore Becomes Lynn’s Batman After Waking Up From Meditation, Holding 19 Year Old Malden High Junior Home Burglars At Bay With Machete, Giving Them Inspirational Pep Talk On Life

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This is Evan Luongo from Lynn.

He climbs mountains and stuff.

And he’s a Batman buff who collects and is inspired by superheroes.

Then this week he actually BECAME the superhero we all were waiting for – Captain North Shore. Ya see, Evan Luongo is as chill as chill can be. Just don’t rob his house, because if you do you’re gonna get threatened with a machete followed by a stern motivational speech that will inspire you to straighten up and fly right. That’s exactly what happened to him and why he was on the news yesterday when he used a machete to hold two home invaders at bay until the police arrived.

That might be the greatest live news interview of all time. Here’s the best quotes:

“Well if I go in there I have to be ready to die, but I may have to be ready to kill someone.”

Not all heroes wear capes. The White Panther doesn’t want to hurt anyone, just don’t test him.

“I kind of gave that motion like, dude we’re doing this, like, you’re in my house, so this is gonna get ugly.”

Like, bruh, I really dont wanna kill ya. But it’s like, my house and shit, so unless you wanna dance with the devil you should probably just chill out for a minute.

Then he turned into Tony Robbins.

“I said something like I know no one believes in you, but come on you can do better.”

He was actually selling himself short. That was what he thought he said, but here’s what the 911 tape actually recorded him saying, which was so much more inspirational.

“What if I had a gun? I’m a scientist and I have a GE fucking D. My teachers called me retarded and stupid and told I’d be nothing. I busted my ass to prove them all wrong. Don’t let that shit ruin your lives son, I can’t let you get away with it.”

Scientist with a GE fucking D. Amazing.

But by far the best part was when the reporter from WCVB asked him why he has a machete underneath his bed.

“Why keep it under your bed?”

“Well where the hell else would you keep a machete where it would be of any use?”

Fuck is he supposed to keep it? The fridge? The machete goes under the bed. Everyone who owns a machete knows that. Ya never know when Vietcong is gonna burst through your door. Gotta be prepared to go full Michonne on a fool.

But wait, it gets better. Here’s what he told Fox 25 News.

Evan Luongo was listening to a meditation app in his bedroom when suddenly, things took a chaotic turn with a home invasion.

OF COURSE he was listening to a meditation app in his bedroom before using a machete to make two Malden mcmuffins shit their pants and get a stern talking to that they will never, ever forget.

“It happened in, like, three seconds but it felt like forever,” he said. “I fear if I didn’t have the machete, the equation would’ve been very different.” Wielding that weapon, Luongo went through his house, toward his office, and saw the door closed with the lights on. “I knew I was embarking into chaos. I knew I didn’t know what was on the other side of the door,” he said. He kicked open the door. “I started screaming drop your (expletive) weapons,” Luongo said. He faced off with a 16-year-old, armed with a BB gun, and 19-year-old Adelson Fedna, a Malden High junior who police say was armed with a kitchen knife.

Stop right there. Nineteen year old Malden High School junior? Nineteen. It’s not even New Years yet so I’m betting he turns 20 by the end of the school year, which means he’ll be able to buy booze as a senior. Prior to this event he probably had no intention of actually making it to senior year, and was just going to school to sell pot. But that might be changed now after the inspirational pep talk he got from Meditation Man.

I mean, just look at this junior hoodbooger’s Facebook page. This is what he changed his profile page to back in February.

Here he is at his first of many junior proms to come.

Here’s his Antifa tryout video.

This is edgy:

I remember when I smoked my first blunt. Good times.

He also glorifies prescription pills, AIDS filled junkie needles, and kitchen knives.

But at the end of the day when he was confronted with a guy who had a bigger knife than him he cowered like the pussy that he is.

Here’s a fun question he posed:

I don’t need a dog to protect my home. I’d rather just move in with this guy:

And finally this:

Gangsta!! Just try not to bring a BB Gun if you invade Captain North Shore’s crib.

He says the cowering duo obeyed his commands and kept their hands above their heads until police arrived to arrest them.

“I hold no ill will. People do dumb things. I don’t want to see them burn,” Luongo said. “But in the same sense, don’t come back. Please don’t come back.”

Truce Wayne. This guy is literally Batman. He doesn’t want to hurt them. He begs them not to come back to his house, not for his safety, but for theirs.

The comments on his Facebook page are even better.

Meditation Man is merciful, but he will cut a bitch if you mess with him.

Can we get this guy on Live this weekend? If Evan Luongo is a turtle rider tell him we’ve got one of our new t-shirts with his name on it.

14 Comment(s)
  • Kyle M. All
    November 16, 2018 at 5:29 am

    “Well where the hell else would you keep a machete where it would be of any use?”
    [Laughter]

  • Mahky Mahk Ballbag
    November 16, 2018 at 3:09 am

    The bigger question is whether he voted for Poca-cunt-as!

  • Ebenezer Screw
    November 15, 2018 at 9:29 pm

    Oh yeah, this guy is totally an assclown.  They were only a couple kids just having some fun. I mean, I’m sure just about everybody was having fun by breaking into people’s houses while carrying firearms at their age.  Who doesn’t wanna have a little fun, right?  This guy was totally out of line having a machete under his bed in his own home and scaring the shit out of these kids….who broke into his home.  Fuckin morons.

  • Obamaphone
    November 15, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    This guy is an Assclown x 2! Do you think he really believes the bullshit coming out of his mouth? Clearly looking for 15 minutes of fame. I love the 20 year old junior high kid. At 20 I was out of school 2 years already. Plenty of idiot sauce to go around here. Wonder if there is more to this?

  • Bill S. Preston, Esq.
    November 15, 2018 at 3:30 pm

    I like Megan Pitts trying to pull a “lookit me!” topper move in the comments. I wonder why Megan thinks her hat belongs in the ring for Most Bitchin’ 2018 – did she pierce her nips?

  • Milodog
    November 15, 2018 at 2:28 pm

    This dude is Pissah Incarnate.

  • Acid Bath
    November 15, 2018 at 2:09 pm

    I would have duct taped and superglued one to a chair and made him watch while I chopped the other one into steaks and fed him to my animals.

    Then I’d cover the first one with the blood of his friend and seal him in a room with a yellowjacket nest.

    I like burglars. You don’t have to go looking for them. The best ones are the illegals because it’s not really possible to report them as missing.

  • Barry s
    November 15, 2018 at 2:01 pm

    What the fuck is an Adelson Fedna? What country did we welcome his family from? He has a picture of a POC shooting a policeman as his Facebook page heading? What a bag of shit and he’s 19 and a junior in high school? Malden should look into where the kid actually lives. His google trophies show him giving a Roxbury address when he was arrested before. Not that Malden is any better than Roxbury but they shouldn’t be paying for his schooling if he doesn’t live there. Either way it looks like he’s got a tremendous future ahead of him. Maybe he can get his GED in prison

  • joe friday
    November 15, 2018 at 1:29 pm

    Feel good story of the day…

  • Stunt Penis
    November 15, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    Marsha Coakley will be charging him with a hate crime by the end of the week. We can’t be encouraging “self help” now, can we? That’s what the gummit is for.

  • Akihito
    November 15, 2018 at 1:03 pm

    Should have been the original Batman from the 30’s, the one that used a gun and didn’t give a rat’s ass about his enemies

  • D Ball
    November 15, 2018 at 1:02 pm

    More fine people from Malden making the news. Shocking

  • Bruce Wayne and Toejam
    November 15, 2018 at 12:49 pm

    There is so much more to this story that I’m sure we will never know. This wasn’t just some random act. Saw this Code on the news this morning. My wife and I immediately said ” there’s more to this” They guy is hokey…

    • Website is Trash! Invest in a better platform.
      November 17, 2018 at 5:50 am

      To the first commenter who says “there’s more to the story”. That was my first initial thought when I read the headlines. Seeing as a high percentage of home invasions are done by someone you know personally. However, the small percentage of home invasions that are done by complete stranger(s) does happen; just not as often. This man is older, well established (owns home) and clearly has a career. These were high schoolers/teenagers that I guarantee, were walking around in Lynn Woods (probably smoking weed) right before they decided to break into what looked like a dark, empty house. Makes sense why they would be over there to begin with. That neighborhood is very quiet.

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