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This is Evan Luongo from Lynn.
He climbs mountains and stuff.
And he’s a Batman buff who collects and is inspired by superheroes.
Then this week he actually BECAME the superhero we all were waiting for – Captain North Shore. Ya see, Evan Luongo is as chill as chill can be. Just don’t rob his house, because if you do you’re gonna get threatened with a machete followed by a stern motivational speech that will inspire you to straighten up and fly right. That’s exactly what happened to him and why he was on the news yesterday when he used a machete to hold two home invaders at bay until the police arrived.
That might be the greatest live news interview of all time. Here’s the best quotes:
“Well if I go in there I have to be ready to die, but I may have to be ready to kill someone.”
Not all heroes wear capes. The White Panther doesn’t want to hurt anyone, just don’t test him.
“I kind of gave that motion like, dude we’re doing this, like, you’re in my house, so this is gonna get ugly.”
Like, bruh, I really dont wanna kill ya. But it’s like, my house and shit, so unless you wanna dance with the devil you should probably just chill out for a minute.
Then he turned into Tony Robbins.
“I said something like I know no one believes in you, but come on you can do better.”
He was actually selling himself short. That was what he thought he said, but here’s what the 911 tape actually recorded him saying, which was so much more inspirational.
“What if I had a gun? I’m a scientist and I have a GE fucking D. My teachers called me retarded and stupid and told I’d be nothing. I busted my ass to prove them all wrong. Don’t let that shit ruin your lives son, I can’t let you get away with it.”
Scientist with a GE fucking D. Amazing.
But by far the best part was when the reporter from WCVB asked him why he has a machete underneath his bed.
“Why keep it under your bed?”
“Well where the hell else would you keep a machete where it would be of any use?”
Fuck is he supposed to keep it? The fridge? The machete goes under the bed. Everyone who owns a machete knows that. Ya never know when Vietcong is gonna burst through your door. Gotta be prepared to go full Michonne on a fool.
But wait, it gets better. Here’s what he told Fox 25 News.
Evan Luongo was listening to a meditation app in his bedroom when suddenly, things took a chaotic turn with a home invasion.
OF COURSE he was listening to a meditation app in his bedroom before using a machete to make two Malden mcmuffins shit their pants and get a stern talking to that they will never, ever forget.
“It happened in, like, three seconds but it felt like forever,” he said. “I fear if I didn’t have the machete, the equation would’ve been very different.” Wielding that weapon, Luongo went through his house, toward his office, and saw the door closed with the lights on. “I knew I was embarking into chaos. I knew I didn’t know what was on the other side of the door,” he said. He kicked open the door. “I started screaming drop your (expletive) weapons,” Luongo said. He faced off with a 16-year-old, armed with a BB gun, and 19-year-old Adelson Fedna, a Malden High junior who police say was armed with a kitchen knife.
Stop right there. Nineteen year old Malden High School junior? Nineteen. It’s not even New Years yet so I’m betting he turns 20 by the end of the school year, which means he’ll be able to buy booze as a senior. Prior to this event he probably had no intention of actually making it to senior year, and was just going to school to sell pot. But that might be changed now after the inspirational pep talk he got from Meditation Man.
I mean, just look at this junior hoodbooger’s Facebook page. This is what he changed his profile page to back in February.
Here he is at his first of many junior proms to come.
Here’s his Antifa tryout video.
This is edgy:
I remember when I smoked my first blunt. Good times.
He also glorifies prescription pills, AIDS filled junkie needles, and kitchen knives.
But at the end of the day when he was confronted with a guy who had a bigger knife than him he cowered like the pussy that he is.
Here’s a fun question he posed:
I don’t need a dog to protect my home. I’d rather just move in with this guy:
And finally this:
Gangsta!! Just try not to bring a BB Gun if you invade Captain North Shore’s crib.
He says the cowering duo obeyed his commands and kept their hands above their heads until police arrived to arrest them.
“I hold no ill will. People do dumb things. I don’t want to see them burn,” Luongo said. “But in the same sense, don’t come back. Please don’t come back.”
Truce Wayne. This guy is literally Batman. He doesn’t want to hurt them. He begs them not to come back to his house, not for his safety, but for theirs.
The comments on his Facebook page are even better.
Meditation Man is merciful, but he will cut a bitch if you mess with him.
Can we get this guy on Live this weekend? If Evan Luongo is a turtle rider tell him we’ve got one of our new t-shirts with his name on it.