Carl Crawford Can’t Stop Talking Shit About Boston Red Sox Experience Because He Is An Overpaid Professional Loser

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Our boy Rob Bradford over at WEEI was in Los Angeles yesterday in preparation for the Boston Red Sox series with the Angels (yes we are still playing baseball for another 2 months!!). Well, it just so happened that the Angels are coming off a series with the Los Angeles Dodgers, and for whatever reason old friend Carl Crawford decided to open up to Bradfo and say a bunch of really emasculating, stuff that only a loser like Carl Crawford could say. Apparently he didn’t have a good time in Boston, and it’s not his fault AT ALL:

“That place is going to be the same forever and I don’t want no part of it,” Crawford told Thursday night, referencing his professional home for 1 1/2 years, Boston. “I’m happy where I’m at right now.”

The same forever? I wish. All we do is win. That’s it. Like fifteen straight years of nonstop winning in every sport. Sure we have these “bridge” years every now and then, but for the most part it’s just win after win after win. Obviously a loser like you wants no part in that.


Question: “Does it seem like a long time ago you played in Boston?”

Answer: “Yeah, it does. I try and put that as far behind me as I can. I would like to feel like that, but it still feels fresh at times. Just because it was one of the toughest times of my life. That’s a scar that I think will never go away. I’ll always remember that feeling.”

Yea it must’ve been really, really tough to make $142 million to do absolutely nothing. If that’s not hard times then I don’t know what is. Sure the people who work hard every day and pay ridiculous ticket prices to finance your salary and watch you do nothing, had to sacrifice a lot in order to do so. But Carl Crawford had it harder than ANYONE.

“It was just different for me,” he said. “Coming from Tampa, from that environment to that environment was so different I didn’t really understand what I was getting myself into. I think that was the big thing. There was just such a big difference from what I was used to.

Yea you’re right Carl. Coming from a place where no one gives a shit about the baseball team to a city where lots of people care, and even more people pretend to care, must’ve been difficult. I mean, what kind of dude can look himself in the mirror after saying something this emasculating? He’s basically saying that he can be a really good player as long as no one is watching him.


“I definitely wouldn’t have went to the highest bidder. If I could have done it over again I would have gone into more detail into everything. I didn’t do any research about nothing. I didn’t know much about Boston, only when I played there. If I went into a little more depth as to what I was getting myself into things probably would have been a little different.”

He wouldn’t have went to the highest bidder. Right. Pretty easy to say that when you’re collecting gigantic checks for doing nothing. And what kind of dumbass doesn’t know much about Boston? Like, did this nudnik even watch baseball growing up? It’s the Red Sox bros. Kind of a big deal. And you played for a division opponent so you came to Boston ALL THE TIME. Did you not notice that the stands were filled at Fenway?

Newsflash Carl – the regret works both ways. First of all, I feel like you were a product of false advertising. When we signed you I thought you were this winner. A young five tool outfielder that was gonna lead us to championships. Then you got here and you blew ass. Perhaps the Red Sox should’ve done more research. Perhaps you should’ve told them, “Hey guys, I’m really, really good, as long as no one says mean things about me when I suck.”

He added, “Once I realized it and I had seven years I didn’t know what to do. It was just one of those things I had to sit out and wait. I was dealing with the struggling at the time and a bunch of other stuff. I had been in Tampa so we had been shielded from a lot of media stuff. I didn’t have to go through that stuff. That was new for me, dealing with the media and stuff like that. I didn’t how to handle all that stuff up there and it showed in my game. Then I started getting hurt all the time. It was just always bad, bad all the time.

Oh I see. So it’s not Carl’s fault he sucked. It’s the MEDIA’s fault. Because they had the audacity to ask him why he sucked so much. They had the balls to write columns suggesting that $142 million might be too much money for a guy who does NOTHING. Obviously this hurt his feelings, which led to much more serious injuries. After all, the feelings bone is connected to the hip bone. The media and fans obviously should’ve been nicer to him. After all, it’s our job as fans to build up millionaire’s self confidence.

Hey Carl you wanna be loved despite how terrible you are? Take that shit to St. Louis fuck boi.


“I would like to think I know when it’s time to make big decisions in your life you know to do a little more research,” Crawford explained. “Look into a little bit more. I decided to sign with the Red Sox in five minutes. I didn’t have no time to think about it. They told me this, bam, 10 minutes later I was signing with the Red Sox. It was one of those things I didn’t look into it as much as I should have. I didn’t call other players and ask around. I didn’t do nothing. I just had my eye on one thing at the time.”

“They told me this, bam, 10 minutes later I was signing with the Red Sox.” What the fuck does that even mean? Who told you what? Was someone holding a gun to your head making you sign a contract that made you the most overpaid player in baseball not named A-Rod? Yea you took the money. I don’t fault you for that at all. Just don’t take a dump on my face and tell me I gave you diarrhea.

“It’s to each his own,” Crawford said. “I think it’s easier for guys who are homegrown. When you’re homegrown, it’s good. But when you come in from the outside and you don’t produce as soon as you get there, that’s when you have problems. Adrian [Gonzalez] hit 27 home runs his first year and they were wondering why he wasn’t hitting home runs. If they weren’t happy with Adrian hitting 27 home runs I knew I was never going to be liked. I knew I was in a bunch of trouble. I just knew I was never going to be able to please the people up there. Once you have that in your head, it’s hard to cope with the day to day stuff.

Yea, only homegrown players are well liked on the Red Sox. Right. Hey remember Jonny Gomes? He someone managed to suck even more than you Carl Baby. And he might be the most liked player I’ve ever seen around here. That just proves that any sucky idiot can be loved in Boston. And as far as Gonzo, we wanted to know why all of a sudden STOPPED hitting home runs. I feel like everything good he did came in a 3 month period in 2011. Yea, sorry for expecting players to play an entire season.

Who are some other non-home grown players that we supposedly hate. Hmmmm. David Ortiz, Pedro Martinez, Manny Ramirez, Mike Lowell, Curt Schilling, Koji Uehara, Keith Foulke, Johnny Damon, Bill Mueller. None of those guys came up with the Sox and we booed them all the time right? Oh wait, you mean we cheered for those guys because they produced? You mean those guys didn’t need a Fenway group hug to restore their confidence and do their job? That’s fucking weird, right?


“They say everything is different. But you can have a good team, but you can’t escape all that other stuff up there,” he said. “I don’t want to get into all that other stuff. It’s good they won a World Series, but I’m pretty sure nothing has really changed.”

Newsflash – when you have a good team there is no other stuff. You were just part of a team that had the most epic collapse in MLB history, and followed that up with a year of anarchy in 2012. You got two managers fired and we only won a World Series in 2013 mainly because we got rid of dead weight like you. And you’re right – nothing has changed. We still cheer for winners and talk shit about losers like you.

Is Carl Crawford officially the biggest loser in the world? I mean, I’m hard pressed to find someone worse. He’s like a hot girl who got fat and blames the ice cream.

So enjoy collecting your checks until 2014 Carl. Los Angeles is obviously a good place for you to get paid to do nothing because the assholes who live there are more concerned with getting a spray tan and stalking movie stars. We don’t miss you at all.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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