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Clint Dempsey: So America It Hurts, Ghana Borrows Electricity From Ivory Coast Government To Watch Emasculating 2-1 Loss To USA

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QZ.com– When the teams kick off at 6pm in New York and 10pm in Accra, the most pressing concern for American soccer fans may be how to find the game online. In Ghana, the issue is whether there will be enough electricity to power everyone’s televisions. Ghana has been suffering from a power shortage this year due to low water levels at hydroelectric dams on the Volta River. The nation’s utilities regulator is already rationing electricity by mandating sporadic shutdowns. To ensure that World Cup viewing won’t be interrupted, Ghana is purchasing 50 megawatts of electricity from its neighbor, Ivory Coast. Power plants will also be running at maximum capacity, and Volta Aluminum, the nation’s largest smelter and a large drain on electricity, will slow production during the match.

Can’t help but feel bad for the people of Ghana. In America electricity is something that will never, ever run out. In Ghana electricity is something that has to be rationed. Doesn’t matter if the Blackstone Canal has low water levels, we’ll still have electricity. These poor people have been avoiding using electricity all week in order to watch this game, and then boom – Clint Dempsey goal in the first 30 seconds. Equalizer in the 82nd minute, only to see it all come tumbling down a couple minutes later. Now they owe Ivory Coast 50 megawatts of electricity just for an extra kick in the balls.

You know who’s not rationing electricity in Ghana? All of their princes who send me 20 emails a day asking for 10,000 Euros to restore the monarchy after the last junta. Because their laptops never run out of batter apparently.

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Look, I’ll be the first to say that I know jack shit about soccer, and generally I think it sucks. But every four years I become a soccer expert. And this USA team is probably the greatest team in the history of the world. Thirty fucking seconds into the game and boom!! 1-0 USA. Too easy.

I will never miss out on an opportunity to root for America. I can’t ever get into MLS or Premier League or any of that nonsense because I don’t give a shit if Barcelona beats Liverpool. But any time I see America vs. anyone else I suddenly become Toby Keith. No way I’m gonna stand by and watch Uncle Sam lose to some bootleg country that has to borrow electricity from the Ivory Coast.

Speaking of Ghana, what kind of bullshit team is this? Going into the World Cup I always root for USA and Africa. I’ve seen a few games so far, and the Afro-weenies are even bigger Nancy Boy’s than the Euro-weenies. They got down like a ton of bricks. Yesterday I was watching Ivory Coast against Japan, and normally I’d go for the IC. But it’s like watching the Montreal Canadiens. Assholes flopping around and crying everywhere. Looked like a field full of LeBron’s. Think the Japanese were flopping? Nope. That’s not how shit works in Japan. You fall? Get back up or you dishonor your family.

And Ghanaians are sneaky little fuckers too. Like, that dingbat kicked Dempsey in the face on purpose right? Is that even debatable? Good thing Clint fucking Dempsey is the anti-soccer player though. First of all, that is just a bad ass American name right there. Think he was gonna roll around on the ground forever because he got kicked in the face? Nope. Dempsey was born to be a hockey player, but he lived in Texas, so he played soccer instead.

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Like I said, I am not a soccer expert, but it’s pretty easy to figure out who sucks on your team and who doesn’t. Dempsey is a nasty red-blooded American. The goalie Howard is nasty. That Jermaine Jones character can play too.

Other than that this team’s got a lot of problems. I saw a bunch of lazy assholes out there who acted like they already won the World Cup after Dempsey scored. The number one guy on my shit list is #23. He sucks. Watch the Ghana goal again and watch what his lazy ass does. I’ve seen better defense from James Harden. You don’t have to be a soccer expert to know that you have to stay with your fucking man, especially when he enters the penalty box. Seemed like Ghana did what the fuck it wanted to do, whenever the hell it wanted to tonight.

USA has Portugal on Sunday. They seem like a bunch of assholes too. Some idiot named Pepe was kicked out of their match with Germany today for being a dingleberry and won’t be able to play against the US. And apparently he’s good. So that’s good. I’m gonna take special joy in facializing this team, mainly because I can’t STAND people who root for Portugal because their grandparents lived in the Azores. This is America. We root for America here. All we really need is a draw and we’re in the next round. Portugal could beat Ghana after that and we win a tiebreaker with them because of goal differential (they were creamed by Germany 4-0 today). America’s going all the way, even though our coach is a nimrod who doesn’t think that’s possible. You heard it here first.

Stay tuned to Turtleboy Sports for the hottest World Cup takes on the planet.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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1 Vote

 

 

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.

 

 

 

 

3 Comment(s)
  • June 17, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    I think that Ghana had a very good team and kept the ball down the field most of the game!! I thought it was the US that didn’t look too great most of the game. I’m not a soccer expert either but after watching that whole game I think it’s pretty stupid to bad mouth the country’s team that outplayed ours!

  • June 17, 2014 at 7:12 am

    So are you saying we shld be rooting for a tie? Another reason to hate soccer.

  • Tim
    June 16, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    Great to see you getting into soccer. #23 Fabian Johnson is actually one of the best players on the team although I agree that he was responsible for the goal. Nimrod is a great description for Klinnsman as well.

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