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Are you people ready for some March Madness? This is by far my favorite sports time of the year, maybe besides the Super Bowl. Super Bowl is only one day though, this shit lasts me a solid three weeks and I simply cannot get enough of it. It’s the greatest tournament in the history of the world, and it’s not even debatable. Oh, and guess what? UMass is crashing the mother flipping dance this year like you read about, so it’s gonna be triply orgasmic this time around.

The conference tournaments are essentially the foreplay for March Madness. Gets you nice and warm, and ready to rock. According to world renowned bracketologist Jay Lunardi this is how many tournament bids each conference is getting as of right now:

So for every ass hat in the comments section who’s said that the Atlantic 10 is some sort of mid major BS conference, suck on that. More bids than the mighty ACC, Big East, and SEC. Why? Because it’s the most competitive conference in the country. There are no top 3 seeds in the bunch, but top through bottom it is by far the hardest conference in the country. There are no nights off in the A-10. Everyone can bring it. Well, maybe except Fordham. Here’s the bracket for the A-10 tournament, which starts tonight in Brooklyn:

As you can see, as I write this George Mason is actually losing to Fordham. Everyone in this conference breathes a big sigh of relief if that happens. For whatever that suckbag team can play with anyone. I have no idea why, it literally defies all possible logic and reason.

Now, here’s the Vegas betting line for who will win the whole shebang:

So, betting on conference tournaments is a great warmup for your bracket. I’m basically an expert on it. Pick at least half the winners every year. I’ll give you my picks for each of the major conference starting with the Atlantic 10. 

Obviously UMass is going to win this. I’m not just saying that because I’m a diehard, I’d bet on them with those odds if I was just your run of the muck degenerate gambler. Why wouldn’t they? WHEN they beat URI, they get to play George Washington next, who of course they facialized ON THE ROAD earlier this season.

St. Bonnie’s will beat LaSalle, then get donkey punched by Jordair Jett’s Bilikens.

Dayton-St. Joe’s is the most important game in the tournament. Winner is going to the dance. Loser has to cross their fingers. I think whoever wins that game beats St. Louis, and it’ll probable be St. Joe’s.

Richmond should take care of Duquense for the right to get demolished by VCU.

UMass gets to play VCU in the semifinals Saturday. Who won last time they played anyway? Oh yea, UMass. So we get UMass-St. Joe’s in the final, and obviously the Minutemen take it down.

But seriously, UMass is the smartest bet here. Eight to one odds is pretty good for a team that’s beaten three of the five teams seeded ahead of them. VCU is the sucker bet here. How are they THIS much of a favorite? No one should have that shitty of a payout for winning three straight games in the A-10.

American Conference

This conference is basically the equivalent of the losers who couldn’t get a prom date. No one wanted these idiots in their conference. Not the ACC. Not the Big East. They’re the gypsies of the NCAA. The fact that Temple is in this conference makes it all the more hilarious. Here’s what the bracket looks like.

And here’s the odds to win it all:

So yea, same thing as the A-10, Louisville is a terrible value. The odds are more likely that they win this thing, than all of the other teams combined. But why? They’ve lost to Memphis twice this year. They split with Cincinnati. Sorry, but everyone else in this conference blows. SMU is borderline good. They’d be somewhere between Dayton and Richmond in the A-10. UConn? LOL Uconn.

The fact that Louisiville has 2/3 odds and Cincinnati is 13/4 is some kind of joke I think. They have the exact same conference record (15-3). They’ve split the season series. Betting on Louisiville is like throwing money down a well. The winner of this tournament though is gonna be Memphis. Well, that is IF they make it by UConn, who for some reason has their number this year (0-2 against them). If they beat UConn they win it all. If they lose to UConn, Cincinnati wins it all. Book it.

Big 12

Top to bottom, this is the only league that can compete with the A-10. TCU, and Texas Tech are the only teams that can’t possibly make the NCAA Tournament with an at large bid. Here’s what their bracket looks like

And here’s the odds for the winner:

First of all, eliminate Kansas immediately. No Joel Embid means they aren’t really Kansas anymore. Here’s how this is gonna pan out:

OK State is gonna upset Kansas. They’re only seeded that low because Marcus Smart lost his mind for all of February. They beat Kansas at home, and lost to them on the road by 2. Without Embiid there is a 0% chance Kansas beats them.

Iowa State-Kansas State could go either way. Ultimately ISU is better. They win

West Virginia routinely loses by double digits, and they will again to Texas.

Oklahoma has killed Baylor all season, and will do so once again. The Sooners will then make quick work of Texas, who they beat twice this season. They’ll play OK State in the championship after the Cowboys beat ISU for a third time this season (in a combined four overtimes).

That’s where it ends for OSU though. Oklahoma owns them and Travis Ford is a chump. Oklahoma wins the Big 12. The fact that they’re 11/2 to win it all is nothing less than a free lunch. Bet on OSU too if you want insurance though.

Big East

Remember when this was THE tournament? Talk of sending ten teams to the tournament every year? Yea, not so much anymore. This conference officially blows. Providence is the 4th seed in this conference. Providence.

Here’s the bracket:

Here’s the odds:

This conference should be all about Creighton and Villanova, and in that case you should take Creighton, since they account for 67% of Villanova’s losses this year. But they won’t both make the final.

Nova’s gonna beat Seton Hall, obviously. PC is gonna lose to St. John’s – bad matchup for them.

Marquette is by far the most dangerous team in this league. Check out their schedule this year. There is not a team you wanna f*** around with less in college basketball than Marquette. Six of their last fourteen games have gone to OT. That’s insane. They play EVEYRONE hard, and never get beat badly. They beat Xavier last month and will again in this tournament.

Georgetown will upset Creighton. Upset of the century alert. They always bring it in the Big East tournament. And Creighton is good and all, but this ain’t Nebraska anymore. This is MSG baby!! Did I mention that they beat Creighton last week?

Nova will roll against St. John’s, and then GTown will lose to Marquette for the third time this year. I’d put money on both of these teams now so you’re guaranteed to make money. Villanova will win it all – but it doesn’t hurt to toss a couple bucks on Marquette for a little insurance at 12/1 odds.

Big 10

Another nasty conference, and always one of the hardest to predict. Here’s the bracket:

And here’s the odds:

As you can see there, you know who we like. There’s a good chance Michigan loses to Indiana in the first round. The Hoosiers are playing for their NIT life. Indiana beat them the first time, and lost a nail biter in their final game of the season. Therefore betting on Michigan with those odds is stupid since there’s a good chance they lose in their opening matchup. IU for the upset there.

Ohio State somehow has MUCH better odds than Nebraska. Why? Because, Ohio State. That’s why. Nebraska did lose to them by 30, but that was a long time ago. Since then they beat them by six, and they’re by far the hottest team in this conference. The 14/1 odds are an early Christmas gift.

Minnesota easily takes down Penn State, then pulls the upset on Wisconsin, who they beat not that long ago. They’ll get Michigan State after they beat the most overrated team in the country – Iowa.

Nebraska should wax IU for the third time this year, and MSU likewise facializes the boys from Minnesota. Nebraska won AT Michigan State this year. How can they possibly lose this tournament? The 14/1 odds are the easiest money you will ever see in your life. Don’t bet on a second team. Nebraska wins this for sure.

ACC

This is the most overrated conference in the history of the world. There are three good teams, two decent ones, a couple mediocre ones, and then a bunch of God awful idiots who bring shame to their families. Here’s what the bracket looks like:

Why do they let all these crap bag teams in the conference tournament? What’s the point? And the top seeds get two byes? I mean, why bother? Anyway, here’s the odds:

Duke’s the favorite, but they lost to Clemson, who should obviously destroy BC. Because BC sucks. Clemson for the upset over the Blue Devils.

NC State will beat a terrible Miami team, and then will “upset” Syracuse, who is the definition of suck right now. They’ve lost four of five, including games to BC and Georgia Tech. They would get demolished in the A-10.

Pittsburgh, who has beaten ABSOLUTELY NO ONE this year, and has needed overtime to beat Notre Dame, Virginia Tech, Clemson, and Miami (all of which are terrible teams), will get DESTROYED by UNC, who also sucks.

Florida State is the team to watch out for. They probably need two wins in order to be considered seriously for a tournament bid. They’re just so hit or miss, but when they’re on, they can play with anyone. They beat Maryland by nearly 30 this season, and should roll onto Virginia. The Cavaliers won 13 straight before losing their final to the Terrapins. I wanna take FSU, I really do, but Virginia should roll.

Virginia can’t possibly lose after that. No one good is left. They’ll roll over UNC, and then Clemson in the final. At 9/4 odds you can’t go wrong, but I’d recommend putting a dollar or two on Florida State. With 40/1 odds what do you have to lose?

Pac 12

Even with the couple of crapbag teams on the bottom, this conference might be the best in the country. They’re probably gonna get at least 7 teams in. This bracket is killer. Here’s what it looks like:

And here are your odds:

Arizona obviously beats Utah.

Colorado played California once this season, and Cali won by one point in OT. No point picking a winner there since Arizona destroys either one and goes to the Championship game.

Oregon is coming off a huge upset over Arizona, and as I’m writing this, look like they’re gonna move on to play UCLA. That should be an awesome game, since they split the two games this season, including a double OT game. But the Ducks are red hot, and UCLA just lost to Washington Freaking State. Oregon rolls.

Arizona State should beat up on Stanford, both of which UMass could play in the first round of the tournament. The Sun Devils will then get tossed around by the Ducks.

Oregon-Arizona rematch should be epic. But if you’re betting now, why not take the Ducks? A ten dollar bet on them gets you $70. The same bet on Arizona gets you $6.66. Oregon wins the Pac 12.

SEC

This ain’t football. This conference has been sucky for years now. Florida and a bunch of rag tags. Here’s the bracket.

And here are the odds:

Don’t even bother looking into anything here. There is no possible way Florida loses a game. They’re undefeated in conference play. They’re the #1 team in the country. Only in the reign of Queen Dick could one of these crap bag teams beat them. Zero point zero percent. It doesn’t pay well, but since there’s no way Florida can lose this, you might as well put your mortgage on it, and then you can buy another house half your size with the winnings. And if for some reason they don’t win, at least the democrats are in power, so the government will take care of you.

So to recap it, here are your winners:

UMass, Memphis, Oklahoma, Villanova, Nebraska, Virginia, Oregon, Florida.

You’re welcome America. Go U!!!

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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