Conversations Not Meant to Be Public: Robert Kraft Drunk-Dials Roger Goodell

By J-Dub and Ryan Meehan

Editor’s Note: This article is a collaborative effort between J-Dub and Ryan Meehan from First Order Historians. Read at your own risk. 

Sometimes, situations threaten to become a train wreck.  Sometimes, situations start as train wreck and only get worse.  Then there’s what’s left of the Roger Goodell NFL administration in the wake of the Deflate-gate debacle, which is like a fully-developed train-wreck married to a Kardashian and served on top of a Denny’s “Explode in your Fruit-of-the-Looms” breakfast platter.  Let’s be honest, thanks to his over-zealousness, the “Kommissar” is now more screwed than a teenage runaway at a “Combat Zone” peep show.

An incredible example of that comes in the form of a late-night phone conversation between New England Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell which happened the other night after the Patriots raucous home-opener.  The dialogue also happened to be intercepted* by the investigative division of Dubsism.  Given what we heard, it’s pretty obvious the “Kommissar’s” days in a position of respect and authority are over.

*Legal Disclaimer – J-Dub and Meehan have a strange way of defining certain terms. “Intercepted” should be read as “completely fucking fabricated” by these two jamokes during yet another of their nights spent mainlining Gorilla Glue and Drano until 6 a.m. Despite that, we here at Dubsism would be willing to bet they aren’t  far from the truth…

Roger Goodell: (hears phone ringing, fumbles with his sleep-mask)  Who in the hell is calling me at 3:30 a.m.? Who the hell got arrested this time? (Answers phone, obviously irritated) Hello?

Robert Kraft: (Well into his second fifth of sour mash)  BAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! Where’s your balls, you ginger suck-cocker?

Roger Goodell:  Who’s this?

Kraft:  Lesh jush say I’m a very rich man that thinksh you’re a clown, that’s who!

Goodell:  Damnit Jerry, we go through this every year.  The Cowboys don’t get to host the Thursday opener until they win a Super Bowl.

Kraft: No, no, no, you Howdy Doody-looking fother-mucker! This is your old buddy “Blow Up Your Balls” Bobby Kraft.  You know, the rish guy with the mosh reshent Super Bowl ring!

Goodell:  (Sighs, audibly dejected, yet not surprised to be getting the call) Hi Robert, how’s it going?

Kraft: We celebrating some shit you don’t know nothin’ about you carrot-top piece o’ shit! Know what that is?

Goodell: (Facepalm) What’s that, Robert?

Kraft: WINNING!!! (makes unintelligible screaming noise) Judge Berman stuck that Diffle-Late shit right up your puckered little pooper, and now my boysh got it done on the field yet again!  Why don’t you get some glovesh and come over and deflate my ballsh, bitch?!

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4 Comment(s)
  • oneopinion
    September 12, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    You know Kraft would have ended with “I hope that rusty Dollar Shaving Club crap gives you lockjaw!”

  • oneopinion
    September 12, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    There are some smart people that slur a little even when they aren’t banged up. Menino (RIP) is the best example that I can think of but Kraft has a milder version of the same impediment. We’ve seen Kraft get worse as the night goes on but I always wondered what happened to Menino. He probably sounded like Niles Crane when he got drunk.

  • September 12, 2015 at 4:23 pm


  • juror seven
    September 12, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Wasn’t really all that funny.

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